A Mentally Induced State of Denial

I am so thankful that I found this site. I needed to find someone who really understands the pain that I have been going through all of these years that I have kept inside. The pain that I have ignored and tried to push away because I could not deal with the pain. I shut down for so many years. I refused to even count the years or even try to remember what age my children were. I have been in a state of denial. A mentally induced state of denial.
 
It was the only way that I could and can cope with the pain that I feel each and everyday I have lost with my children.  The birthdays, the Christmases, the holidays. The everydays! All the lost moments in time that are lost forever.
I had no one at all to share my pain with no one at all. I would try to push the pain a way but the pain and the hurt and the sadness was always there. Oh how I wish I could go back in time and do things so differently, but I can't. So many times I have cried I want my life back. I want my children back. But the fact of the matter my children are now grown adults. But even though I know that I can't seem to come to terms with that.
I feel as if I have been stuck in time in the past, while my children grew up. But in my mind still to this day I see them as young children my babies. I do not know how to get past that and deal with that. I never in a million years would have ever thought that I would have children and be seperated from them. Emotionally it has taken a toll on me. I am a broken and lost person. Nobody could punish me more than I have punished myself. All I want is to be forgiven and loved by my children.