A lot of thoughts and dreams lately

 I have been having a lot of thoughts lately about my divorce.  I think because it seems so close now and so real.  I got my first settlement offer from him last week and it's pretty much what we agreed right from the start except the spousal support.  He states this part is to be "reserved" for a later date.  Since he doesn't have a job right now I kind of expected that.  I did counter with at least $500 a month for now, just to help support the kids a little.    I don't know if he'll agree because he claims he doesn't have any money coming in other than unemployment....but I know better, only he doesn't know I know. My stbx has been in my dreams a lot lately too.  What's up with that?  I'm not having dreams of us getting back together or falling in love again or anything like that....he's just showing up in my dreams kind of randomly.  Even in the beginning of all this I didn't dream about him.  So I wonder why now?   He's not the focus in my dreams, just in them.  Sometimes we talk like normal and other times I don't even relate to him....he's just there.  Kind of wierd actually.   I was driving tonight home from work, a 45 minute drive and that's when my mind does the most wandering.  Maybe if I turned on the radio, but I have always liked the silence.  I asked God today why I couldn't save my family, my marriage.  I didn't have an answer to that but later after talking with my brother he just told me that God spoke through me in all the ways I tried to save it and everything I did to try to save it.....but since my stbx never asked God how he could help save his marriage, I couldn't do it alone.  I also asked God why my husband and this OW were so weak that they couldn't resist the temptation even knowing it was so wrong.....again my brother said simply.....because they are self-indulgent.  Makes sense.   I think a lot about standing in court the final day.   What will I feel.  How will I react.  I wonder if I'll cry.  I think of what I'll say to him when it's over or if I'll say anything at all.  I know I won't be bitchy or nasty about it if I did say something, but I do think about what I would say.....if anything.  I can picture us standing there waiting for the judge to delcare us legally divorced and it hurts me to know it's coming.  I think that's normal....I hope so anyway.  I know I've accepted it but a small part of me will always wish that it wasn't happening, that it never happened.  Especially not like this. I wonder if he's happy right now and then in the same thought I hope he's not.  My bad.  A part of me, the angry personality, hopes that he's miserable for the rest of his life, but the real me knows it's wrong to think that way.  It's that devil/angel on my shoulder kind of thing.  The good part of me and the angry part of me pulling and tugging on my thoughts.  I think that's normal too, right?   Anyway, I think with it coming so close to the wire these thoughts are creeping into my head whenever there is a spare moment to think.