a long week....
Taking the few moments I have to write another journal entry. I thank God for you, my new friends, who have taken the time to express your condolences and your stories about your beloved pets. My heart goes out to you. As an animal lover, I "get it." A lot of people don't. So this website is a Godsend. I'm trying to do what my shrink tells me -- focus on positive thoughts: I started an account on this site, I'm reaching out to different resources that will help me (like this one), I'm beginning to write and express myself about my loss. One day at a time, one day at a time. Right foot, left foot.
But it's been a trying week at work, here at the high school. I love my students - but there are increasing demands being placed on us teachers each year. This year is the worst, and full of changes and frustrations -- a new, extra-rigorous evaluation process, new requirements for English teachers, no contract -- grades were due for Term 1 this week -- I'm exhausted. Thank God I worked hard enough to get as much done as possible, so that I could try and rest more this weekend...
Weekends are a mixed blessing. I'm grateful for the time to do more work (and yet it is endless), but at the same time, when I do have free moments with my husband, I have to keep busy, or I will think about Juno...
I have OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. That used to involve an exhausting "checklist" of ridiculous things to do and check (it would take me 45 minutes to leave the house before work each morning) -- but thanks to medication, that has been reduced dramatically. However, my obsessive thinking patterns have not stopped....
....and so neither have my thoughts about Juno. I love Ziggy and Marley, and I'm grateful for the moments when Ziggy (who's much "cuddlier" than Marley, although he's coming around) comes and rests on my chest and nuzzles his head in my neck. Ziggy also tends to sleep on my head at night, which I find funny and adorable. I need a furry friend --- and yet I feel guilty and sad, and it's hard not to compare him to Juno. They are SO different!
My doctor said that I had Juno for 15 years, and so that bond took time to build between us, and so therefore it will take time to build a bond with the new cats. I hope she's right. But I remember feeling instantly connected to Juno.
It's hard being depressed already, and dealing with the death of an animal whom I was so close to. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day. Since Juno's death, I've been much lower than usual.
I love my husband, and he's been so good to me, but he got frustrated with me once and said something that really pissed me off. It was over a weekend, and I was feeling sad or upset (about school/work, or Juno, most likely), and I asked him if he wanted to take a brief nap with me and hold me, and he said no, that "going to sleep wasn't the answer to all of [his] problems." That really bothered me for multiple reasons. 1) I don't ALWAYS nap when I'm sad and I try my hardest to function, and 2) I used to have ANOTHER much more UNhealthy way of dealing with my depression, which I'll detail some other time, and I feel that at least napping is a safer and healthier way to deal with the grief. Anyway, that moment with him really resonated with me. I still remember it, even though it was about 3-4 weeks ago. I'm trying to let it go. He doesn't say things like that often and has been mostly very supportive and understanding.
Anyway, this weekend will be unusually "empty" as far as work goes, so I'm a bit scared. I need to join the 21st century and hook up the damn internet to my house, so I can access this website and write to you folks, get to know you more individually (which is one of my goals!), try to navigate this site and figure things out -- I don't "get" how everything works on here....anyway, I'm scared because I want to be happy and not think about Juno, or at least think of him and be happy....and with extra time, I worry that I will feel the grief more.
I don't think of Juno as "just a cat." He was a little spirit; a gentle soul brought into my life for a reason. I miss him. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder what he's doing right now. I hope there is a place for him in heaven like our little backyard, where he can sit quietly and peacefully and enjoy the breeze and the sunlight, and feel safe and loved. God, that thought makes me cry - I must stop!
I had another cat when I was much younger (I'm 36 now). Her name was Sasha, she was a beautiful calico cat. Born a hunter by nature. We couldn't do anything to keep her inside -- she'd wait by the door, trick us and fly outside the minute we walked in. She was gorgeous. I still remember the call from my mother while I was at college. She was killed by a car and only 4 years old. We buried her under a lovely tree in our backyard in an old-fashioned hat box of my grandmother's. I remember my mother crying on the phone. I remember crying at her little "funeral." I was sad for a long time. She used to run through my dreams -- a little slip of a calico cat, running through a dream I'd have, and then she'd be gone. I haven't dreamed of her in years. I hope she was in heaven to greet Juno, say hello.
Despite the sadness I felt over her death, the grief I feel over Juno is much more profound. I feel guilty saying that, but it's true. I'm sure it's due to the fact that I had him for 15 years, right? And I've read that single people and elderly people feel the loss of a pet more than children (who bounce back quickly) or others. Well, I was single for a long, long time (until 35 years old!).......
I want to dream about Juno. Matt, my husband, told me about a beautiful but sad dream that he had about Juno right after he died. It's too sad for me to share right now - I'll start bawling out loud - but it was beautiful, too. I want to have a dream about him, one that will reassure me. I've only had 2 dreams about him - both were sad and made me upset. In one, I saw him in the corner of my eye as I was leaving the bedroom. In the dream, he was curled up on the corner of our bed in a tight little circle, just looking at me sadly. In another dream, I was trying to rescue him from our sink -- his little paw was stuck inside the sink, and I was trying to gently get it out. It was awful. I removed his paw and he was ok but I don't remember anything after that and then I woke up.
Sometimes I pray to God to have a lovely dream about him, a dream that will let me know he's happy and OK. It hasn't happened yet.
Thank you for reading if you've been with me through all this text. I think I should go now. I'm getting too upset. But I just sighed another sigh of relief, which I suppose is a good thing.
As I've mentioned to you, I'd like to use the internet this weekend if possible -- from a cafe or something. If I can't, my apologies. But I'm thinking of you all and grateful you have entered my life and are sharing this road. Hugs to you all.
But it's been a trying week at work, here at the high school. I love my students - but there are increasing demands being placed on us teachers each year. This year is the worst, and full of changes and frustrations -- a new, extra-rigorous evaluation process, new requirements for English teachers, no contract -- grades were due for Term 1 this week -- I'm exhausted. Thank God I worked hard enough to get as much done as possible, so that I could try and rest more this weekend...
Weekends are a mixed blessing. I'm grateful for the time to do more work (and yet it is endless), but at the same time, when I do have free moments with my husband, I have to keep busy, or I will think about Juno...
I have OCD - obsessive compulsive disorder. That used to involve an exhausting "checklist" of ridiculous things to do and check (it would take me 45 minutes to leave the house before work each morning) -- but thanks to medication, that has been reduced dramatically. However, my obsessive thinking patterns have not stopped....
....and so neither have my thoughts about Juno. I love Ziggy and Marley, and I'm grateful for the moments when Ziggy (who's much "cuddlier" than Marley, although he's coming around) comes and rests on my chest and nuzzles his head in my neck. Ziggy also tends to sleep on my head at night, which I find funny and adorable. I need a furry friend --- and yet I feel guilty and sad, and it's hard not to compare him to Juno. They are SO different!
My doctor said that I had Juno for 15 years, and so that bond took time to build between us, and so therefore it will take time to build a bond with the new cats. I hope she's right. But I remember feeling instantly connected to Juno.
It's hard being depressed already, and dealing with the death of an animal whom I was so close to. Some days I just want to stay in bed all day. Since Juno's death, I've been much lower than usual.
I love my husband, and he's been so good to me, but he got frustrated with me once and said something that really pissed me off. It was over a weekend, and I was feeling sad or upset (about school/work, or Juno, most likely), and I asked him if he wanted to take a brief nap with me and hold me, and he said no, that "going to sleep wasn't the answer to all of [his] problems." That really bothered me for multiple reasons. 1) I don't ALWAYS nap when I'm sad and I try my hardest to function, and 2) I used to have ANOTHER much more UNhealthy way of dealing with my depression, which I'll detail some other time, and I feel that at least napping is a safer and healthier way to deal with the grief. Anyway, that moment with him really resonated with me. I still remember it, even though it was about 3-4 weeks ago. I'm trying to let it go. He doesn't say things like that often and has been mostly very supportive and understanding.
Anyway, this weekend will be unusually "empty" as far as work goes, so I'm a bit scared. I need to join the 21st century and hook up the damn internet to my house, so I can access this website and write to you folks, get to know you more individually (which is one of my goals!), try to navigate this site and figure things out -- I don't "get" how everything works on here....anyway, I'm scared because I want to be happy and not think about Juno, or at least think of him and be happy....and with extra time, I worry that I will feel the grief more.
I don't think of Juno as "just a cat." He was a little spirit; a gentle soul brought into my life for a reason. I miss him. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder what he's doing right now. I hope there is a place for him in heaven like our little backyard, where he can sit quietly and peacefully and enjoy the breeze and the sunlight, and feel safe and loved. God, that thought makes me cry - I must stop!
I had another cat when I was much younger (I'm 36 now). Her name was Sasha, she was a beautiful calico cat. Born a hunter by nature. We couldn't do anything to keep her inside -- she'd wait by the door, trick us and fly outside the minute we walked in. She was gorgeous. I still remember the call from my mother while I was at college. She was killed by a car and only 4 years old. We buried her under a lovely tree in our backyard in an old-fashioned hat box of my grandmother's. I remember my mother crying on the phone. I remember crying at her little "funeral." I was sad for a long time. She used to run through my dreams -- a little slip of a calico cat, running through a dream I'd have, and then she'd be gone. I haven't dreamed of her in years. I hope she was in heaven to greet Juno, say hello.
Despite the sadness I felt over her death, the grief I feel over Juno is much more profound. I feel guilty saying that, but it's true. I'm sure it's due to the fact that I had him for 15 years, right? And I've read that single people and elderly people feel the loss of a pet more than children (who bounce back quickly) or others. Well, I was single for a long, long time (until 35 years old!).......
I want to dream about Juno. Matt, my husband, told me about a beautiful but sad dream that he had about Juno right after he died. It's too sad for me to share right now - I'll start bawling out loud - but it was beautiful, too. I want to have a dream about him, one that will reassure me. I've only had 2 dreams about him - both were sad and made me upset. In one, I saw him in the corner of my eye as I was leaving the bedroom. In the dream, he was curled up on the corner of our bed in a tight little circle, just looking at me sadly. In another dream, I was trying to rescue him from our sink -- his little paw was stuck inside the sink, and I was trying to gently get it out. It was awful. I removed his paw and he was ok but I don't remember anything after that and then I woke up.
Sometimes I pray to God to have a lovely dream about him, a dream that will let me know he's happy and OK. It hasn't happened yet.
Thank you for reading if you've been with me through all this text. I think I should go now. I'm getting too upset. But I just sighed another sigh of relief, which I suppose is a good thing.
As I've mentioned to you, I'd like to use the internet this weekend if possible -- from a cafe or something. If I can't, my apologies. But I'm thinking of you all and grateful you have entered my life and are sharing this road. Hugs to you all.
Replies
im sure you will have a nice dream visit from juno soon,it will happen in its own time.i think keeping busy is the right thing to do,i had to do it otherwise you just sit thinking and thinking and a nap is good,gives your brain a break.its a long process getting used to your pet being gone,it will take time.at least you have the 2 little kitties to get some cuddles from.as you said you need to take it 1 day at a time,and its good you have your husband there to support you.my niece is a school teacher(secondary school,ages 13 to 18).she teaches maths and physics,so i know how tiring it can be and alot of work goes on outside of school hours too and at home and then with government cuts,the classes have gotten bigger also.anyway,i hope you feel a little better soon and find some peace this weekend,hugs xx
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dog Abby in June and I still have a difficult time getting through the day without crying and wishing she was here. I have lost 4 pets since 2010. Just wanted to let you know my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.