A Long Read about How I've Been Doing

   Hello, whoever reads this. I hope you and your freinds and family are doing well. I wrote this to reflect on how things have been for me. For the past several months, I had a couple of classes this semester at Southern University in Baton Rouge. Yet, things closed down, they were turned into online classes. In my opinion, it felt like I had more work to do than usual. I found myself staying up late more than usual, too.

   I keep waking up around the afternoon after oversleeping for months including today. I haven't been to a barber shop in a while, of course. I guess that's a little funny. My hair was growing like a weed. I don't have a big afro. Just a small one. I can hide a toothpick and a paper clip my hair.

   I still live with my mother and my siblings and my stepdad. They have been wanting for me to spend time with them more usual because of the whole stay-at-home thing. I was in a position, that I don't want to talk about, where I couldn't say no to them regardless that I had work to do. So, I was balancing extra college work with family time. I had attempted suicide, but nothing serious happened because, looking back, I was unsure of what I was doing. It wasn't all that planned out. It was a spark of the moment.

   I ended up chickening out. The semester is over for me. I passed both of my classes, barely. I went back to filling job applications and drawing. I went back to exercising, too. I went back to looking for a psychiatrist who can do video meetings over the computer. On the bright side, my family I are doing fine. There have been distressing news from my stepdad's job.

   He's fine. It's just something that happened to the people he was working with. I want to leave it as that. Recently, I started feeling empty from out of nowhere, regardless. Throughout the beginning of this year up to this point, I've been questioning humanity, my existence, my religion, and, each day, I've been worrying if anyone I knew was going to die. I try not to think too much about that last part, but the thought keeps coming back on its own. Overall, I've been writing in my private journal more often like how my counselor and my biological dad recommended.

   I've learned that, deep down, I'm not that good of a person at all. It wasn't very shocking. I had self-harmed multiple times last month. A few of the cuts got infected. I've been to the doctor and they're fine and healed now. For whomever is reading this, how are you doing? And thank you if you read any of this. Sorry that it was very long.