A long rambling family rant
This is going to be long and complicated but I need to get this negativity out of my head.
to start some background.....my parents divorced when I was 2 and I was raised by my mothers aunt and uncle (my biologic grandmother was killed before I was born and it was her sister that I know as my grandmother)
I had a very happy childhood, my grandparents were loving and my Dad was around alot....he worked shift work, so it depended what shift he was on as to how much time I got to spend with him......he really had no social life except for me and i am grateful.....we hung out alot.
My mother on the other hand moved an hour away and i only saw her on holidays. I didn't spend much time with her until I was about 13 or so. My grandparents retired and moved to the cottage and my mother moved into the house with me so I didn't have to change schools......that was the beginning. We managed to live together for 2 years and then I couldn't take it anymore. She was really starting to drink alot and the final straw for me was when the police brought her home, I called my Dad and never went back......
Fast forward a few years and Tom and i are getting married and things are great for us. After we get married my relatives on my grandfathers side (this is a second marriage for each of them and it is his kids I am talking about, the same ones that I grew up with).....I don't hear about family dinners and Christmas and such, but at that time I don't think anything of it because we are spending alot of time with Tom's family.....it isn't until a few years later that it starts to bother me....but again my kids are little and I'm busy with life.
then my Grandmother passes away and things become even more distant....my mother is spending alot of the summer at my grandfathers and they are drinking way too much and it is not a good thing, then something goes down (not sure what) and the rest of the family bans her from going there.
the my grandfather passes, I get a call to come to the house to pick up some stuff....They have some old newspapers and bibles from my great grandfather......that's it Don't ask me if ther is anything of my grandmothers that I would like to have or anything....the house is practically empty, I think I am in shock over this. and I don't say anything....I am heartbroken.
Going to visit my mother brought up all these feelings that I thought I had dealt with.....apparently my mother was told that I got my grandmothers desk and antique clock....which I didn't or her china or her dresser....they threw alot of stuff away without even asking if anyone wanted it.
And then there is crap that my mother says to me.....let me state here that I am an only child and she is a hairstylist.....get this, when I am over there she says to me "do you have a cowlick in the front of your hair?" says the woman who did my hair for the first 30 years of my life. What kind of crap is that? I know my daughter and every mark on her......I am constantly disappointed in her, and she also tells me that she is leaving her house to my cousin....yet I'm the one that had to deal with all the late night drunken phone calls until Tom finally said no to her and scared her off for awhile.
I don't know why I keep letting her disappoint me I know she is not capable of any emotional attachments. I guess I was hoping for some sort of maternal comfort....especially since everyone thinks I'm dying....and get this we talk about me possibly having a lung transplant and she lights up a cigarette and thinks it is okay because she has an ashtray that sucks in the smoke.....I don't get it???? it just puzzles me.
I know we all have family crap to deal with and I have a great family, Hubby, kids, my Dad and wonderful friends, but I guess you never get over needing a mom, and I miss my grandmother all the time. Maybe I am just tired of trying to keep it all together and maybe some of this is the jetlag and the time of year....holidays approaching (I don't like Christmas for this reason)
I hope writing all this down will get it out of my head, because I've been a bit weepy when this stuff bubbles through my head.....I am not a weepy person.
to start some background.....my parents divorced when I was 2 and I was raised by my mothers aunt and uncle (my biologic grandmother was killed before I was born and it was her sister that I know as my grandmother)
I had a very happy childhood, my grandparents were loving and my Dad was around alot....he worked shift work, so it depended what shift he was on as to how much time I got to spend with him......he really had no social life except for me and i am grateful.....we hung out alot.
My mother on the other hand moved an hour away and i only saw her on holidays. I didn't spend much time with her until I was about 13 or so. My grandparents retired and moved to the cottage and my mother moved into the house with me so I didn't have to change schools......that was the beginning. We managed to live together for 2 years and then I couldn't take it anymore. She was really starting to drink alot and the final straw for me was when the police brought her home, I called my Dad and never went back......
Fast forward a few years and Tom and i are getting married and things are great for us. After we get married my relatives on my grandfathers side (this is a second marriage for each of them and it is his kids I am talking about, the same ones that I grew up with).....I don't hear about family dinners and Christmas and such, but at that time I don't think anything of it because we are spending alot of time with Tom's family.....it isn't until a few years later that it starts to bother me....but again my kids are little and I'm busy with life.
then my Grandmother passes away and things become even more distant....my mother is spending alot of the summer at my grandfathers and they are drinking way too much and it is not a good thing, then something goes down (not sure what) and the rest of the family bans her from going there.
the my grandfather passes, I get a call to come to the house to pick up some stuff....They have some old newspapers and bibles from my great grandfather......that's it Don't ask me if ther is anything of my grandmothers that I would like to have or anything....the house is practically empty, I think I am in shock over this. and I don't say anything....I am heartbroken.
Going to visit my mother brought up all these feelings that I thought I had dealt with.....apparently my mother was told that I got my grandmothers desk and antique clock....which I didn't or her china or her dresser....they threw alot of stuff away without even asking if anyone wanted it.
And then there is crap that my mother says to me.....let me state here that I am an only child and she is a hairstylist.....get this, when I am over there she says to me "do you have a cowlick in the front of your hair?" says the woman who did my hair for the first 30 years of my life. What kind of crap is that? I know my daughter and every mark on her......I am constantly disappointed in her, and she also tells me that she is leaving her house to my cousin....yet I'm the one that had to deal with all the late night drunken phone calls until Tom finally said no to her and scared her off for awhile.
I don't know why I keep letting her disappoint me I know she is not capable of any emotional attachments. I guess I was hoping for some sort of maternal comfort....especially since everyone thinks I'm dying....and get this we talk about me possibly having a lung transplant and she lights up a cigarette and thinks it is okay because she has an ashtray that sucks in the smoke.....I don't get it???? it just puzzles me.
I know we all have family crap to deal with and I have a great family, Hubby, kids, my Dad and wonderful friends, but I guess you never get over needing a mom, and I miss my grandmother all the time. Maybe I am just tired of trying to keep it all together and maybe some of this is the jetlag and the time of year....holidays approaching (I don't like Christmas for this reason)
I hope writing all this down will get it out of my head, because I've been a bit weepy when this stuff bubbles through my head.....I am not a weepy person.
Replies
As the twig is bent, so grows the branch. It is a difficult task to overcome the feelings caused by a parent who really isn\'t a parent. I see my own grand children craving affection (\"broken home\") adn hoping they will be able to overcome the situation....
My own dad is the disappointment in my family tree. Heck, he has money and I don\'t expect to see a dime of it. I have made that a fact. A friend was raised by her grandmother and has disowned both of her parents. She too had a wonderful home life as a kid. Your \"mom\" passed away. The womb is not your mom. Remember the lovely woman who raised you, and keep smiling.
My Mom was broken too.
I\'m not one for Pop Psychology but if you find something that heals you.....
I did a lot of inner child work (can I bold and underline lot). In doing this came an understanding and acceptance of my mother for who she was, not who she should have been; does that make sense?
My father got custody of me in 1976. Very rare in that day. Literally saved my life.
Thanks for all the encouragement, I know this is my mothers issue and not mine. Some times these things just creep up on you. I thank God everyday that I was raised by wonderful loving people.
Maybe reading some of my journals is bringing up shit.......trauma seems to be held in one area and each time you are emotional that area opens up and reveals scar tissue. Took daughter to docs today, she is worried about me. We have a beautiful relationship but it is not without pain and resentments. I have to be drunk to say sorry mum I\'d I treat you with anger and resentment, coz really, she did not have a maternal bone in her body and I did the mothering of both her and my little sister. Inner child work yes, lots of counseling with a fabulous psychologist, studying psychology for four years, all a bit helpful but it never completely goes away. That sense of loss. Abandonment. Sadness. Anger and so many other consequences and emotions interacting. How is the meditation and hammock going and tell us about your greeting home by hubby and dog, must have been lovely or was it mixed up with the leaving of son? Thankyou for sharing and giving and hope we can be a bit maternal for you in lieu of that mother of yours lol.
Don\'t you just hate it when the seeps out from the door of our memory where we thought we had it looked down tight?
Your mother sounds like a very lost person. I\'m glad that you didn\'t have to grow up with her. I wonder if she was really told you got those things are just wanted to \"play\" you to see if you did? And maybe put in some bad feelings with the family that rejected her (no doubt due to her own personal choices)
The cigarette?? Insensitivity runs amok! I had a lady that I worked with that smoked and every day at lunch she would sit in her car with the windows rolled up and smoke. Not so bad on days that she took a bath , but the days she didn\'t \"Ughhh, stale, stinky, cigarette smoke.\" She was very fasitidous about her dress and very concious of everything else but because she didn\'t want to see it (and was so used to it), she wouldn\'t believe us when we would tell her that she reeked. Her explanation was that we saw her in the truck smoking. LOL In her defense, I had no idea how bad I reeked when I smoked either.
I hope that you find peace from knowing that you broke that cycle. Your a loving parent, and a great friend.
I\'m glad that you got that all out and you did such a beautiful job. Don\'t you just want to grab people sometimes and shake them to wake them up? If I was you, I would be protected around her, just the negative energy will bring up a lot of old bad memories. It\'s obvious that she will never change and probably doesn\'t know how to love. If she cannot love her own daughter and that daughter is such a loveable, caring person. I think you not getting the house may be someone from above looking out for you. The negativity that has been dwelling there-just got chills.
People will say that you cannot cut the cord on parents, but in some cases you very much should. My father\'s mother, not a bit in my life. Will never be. Want none of her stuff. Dad let her back in, guess \'cause she\'s his mom; but she\'s not mine. When my dad was 8 his preacher took him ice skating on a frozen pond only dad fell thru. He nearly drowned, but the preacher saved him. When my father got home, soaking wet, the preacher informs his mother that dad needs to go to the hospital. Instead this b*tch throws him in a scalding shower and scrubs some of his skin off. Can\'t tell you what she did to me as a kid, it\'s too horrible.
Dixie is so right. You broke the cycle. Be proud mom. You beautiful, wonderful mom.
Love, Peace and Courage,
Kim
I think it is good to write that out and deal with your disappointment. I was raised by the meanest alcoholics around. And, I did not have a relationship with my mother until I was 36 yrs old. I know exactly how you feel. I have been in therapy dealing with my upbringing and all the disappointments.
You just write it out... I am with you and sending my support to you. XOXO - TD
I\'m so glad you ranted. You needed to release all those awful feelings, and this is the safe place to do it.
I\'m going to be more direct than anyone here. Eliminate this extremely toxic self-centered person (who is incapable of seeing beyond her own nose) from your mind and your life. Now. Forever. It\'s urgent that you do so because of your illness.
It is perfectly natural to need and seek love and comfort from a parent, at any age, and especially when one is ill. But as others have said, this woman is your parent only in the sense you came out of her uterus. She\'s incapable of empathy and is so incapable of even thinking about others that she smoked in your face. You need no further proof.
We all share DNA with some toxic people. That\'s why I love saying that my dogs are the only relatives I actually chose.
My toxic DNA-related person is my brother. I have had to accept that he is not in my life. As recently as 2 years ago I tried to talk to him. I finally realized it\'s worse than useless; it was taking up precious energy I don\'t have to waste.
I\'m so glad there are sources of real love in your life. Gather their strength as you fight for your own. As Kim said, you need to stay in the positive energy world. Block out anything that lives in the negative energy world. Your \"mother\" is toxic to you. Your feelings of anger are natural--all your feelings--are natural, but when they come up, release them on here. For your own health, don\'t have anything more to do with this extremely self-centered toxic individual whose presence can only make your worse.
Best of luck, strength, and love to you.
Wolfie
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing, hon. Hang in there. We\'re all here - to listen, to support, to cheer you on and lift you up. God Bless, Jean