A long rambling family rant
This is going to be long and complicated but I need to get this negativity out of my head.
to start some background.....my parents divorced when I was 2 and I was raised by my mothers aunt and uncle (my biologic grandmother was killed before I was born and it was her sister that I know as my grandmother)
I had a very happy childhood, my grandparents were loving and my Dad was around alot....he worked shift work, so it depended what shift he was on as to how much time I got to spend with him......he really had no social life except for me and i am grateful.....we hung out alot.
My mother on the other hand moved an hour away and i only saw her on holidays. I didn't spend much time with her until I was about 13 or so. My grandparents retired and moved to the cottage and my mother moved into the house with me so I didn't have to change schools......that was the beginning. We managed to live together for 2 years and then I couldn't take it anymore. She was really starting to drink alot and the final straw for me was when the police brought her home, I called my Dad and never went back......
Fast forward a few years and Tom and i are getting married and things are great for us. After we get married my relatives on my grandfathers side (this is a second marriage for each of them and it is his kids I am talking about, the same ones that I grew up with).....I don't hear about family dinners and Christmas and such, but at that time I don't think anything of it because we are spending alot of time with Tom's family.....it isn't until a few years later that it starts to bother me....but again my kids are little and I'm busy with life.
then my Grandmother passes away and things become even more distant....my mother is spending alot of the summer at my grandfathers and they are drinking way too much and it is not a good thing, then something goes down (not sure what) and the rest of the family bans her from going there.
the my grandfather passes, I get a call to come to the house to pick up some stuff....They have some old newspapers and bibles from my great grandfather......that's it Don't ask me if ther is anything of my grandmothers that I would like to have or anything....the house is practically empty, I think I am in shock over this. and I don't say anything....I am heartbroken.
Going to visit my mother brought up all these feelings that I thought I had dealt with.....apparently my mother was told that I got my grandmothers desk and antique clock....which I didn't or her china or her dresser....they threw alot of stuff away without even asking if anyone wanted it.
And then there is crap that my mother says to me.....let me state here that I am an only child and she is a hairstylist.....get this, when I am over there she says to me "do you have a cowlick in the front of your hair?" says the woman who did my hair for the first 30 years of my life. What kind of crap is that? I know my daughter and every mark on her......I am constantly disappointed in her, and she also tells me that she is leaving her house to my cousin....yet I'm the one that had to deal with all the late night drunken phone calls until Tom finally said no to her and scared her off for awhile.
I don't know why I keep letting her disappoint me I know she is not capable of any emotional attachments. I guess I was hoping for some sort of maternal comfort....especially since everyone thinks I'm dying....and get this we talk about me possibly having a lung transplant and she lights up a cigarette and thinks it is okay because she has an ashtray that sucks in the smoke.....I don't get it???? it just puzzles me.
I know we all have family crap to deal with and I have a great family, Hubby, kids, my Dad and wonderful friends, but I guess you never get over needing a mom, and I miss my grandmother all the time. Maybe I am just tired of trying to keep it all together and maybe some of this is the jetlag and the time of year....holidays approaching (I don't like Christmas for this reason)
I hope writing all this down will get it out of my head, because I've been a bit weepy when this stuff bubbles through my head.....I am not a weepy person.
to start some background.....my parents divorced when I was 2 and I was raised by my mothers aunt and uncle (my biologic grandmother was killed before I was born and it was her sister that I know as my grandmother)
I had a very happy childhood, my grandparents were loving and my Dad was around alot....he worked shift work, so it depended what shift he was on as to how much time I got to spend with him......he really had no social life except for me and i am grateful.....we hung out alot.
My mother on the other hand moved an hour away and i only saw her on holidays. I didn't spend much time with her until I was about 13 or so. My grandparents retired and moved to the cottage and my mother moved into the house with me so I didn't have to change schools......that was the beginning. We managed to live together for 2 years and then I couldn't take it anymore. She was really starting to drink alot and the final straw for me was when the police brought her home, I called my Dad and never went back......
Fast forward a few years and Tom and i are getting married and things are great for us. After we get married my relatives on my grandfathers side (this is a second marriage for each of them and it is his kids I am talking about, the same ones that I grew up with).....I don't hear about family dinners and Christmas and such, but at that time I don't think anything of it because we are spending alot of time with Tom's family.....it isn't until a few years later that it starts to bother me....but again my kids are little and I'm busy with life.
then my Grandmother passes away and things become even more distant....my mother is spending alot of the summer at my grandfathers and they are drinking way too much and it is not a good thing, then something goes down (not sure what) and the rest of the family bans her from going there.
the my grandfather passes, I get a call to come to the house to pick up some stuff....They have some old newspapers and bibles from my great grandfather......that's it Don't ask me if ther is anything of my grandmothers that I would like to have or anything....the house is practically empty, I think I am in shock over this. and I don't say anything....I am heartbroken.
Going to visit my mother brought up all these feelings that I thought I had dealt with.....apparently my mother was told that I got my grandmothers desk and antique clock....which I didn't or her china or her dresser....they threw alot of stuff away without even asking if anyone wanted it.
And then there is crap that my mother says to me.....let me state here that I am an only child and she is a hairstylist.....get this, when I am over there she says to me "do you have a cowlick in the front of your hair?" says the woman who did my hair for the first 30 years of my life. What kind of crap is that? I know my daughter and every mark on her......I am constantly disappointed in her, and she also tells me that she is leaving her house to my cousin....yet I'm the one that had to deal with all the late night drunken phone calls until Tom finally said no to her and scared her off for awhile.
I don't know why I keep letting her disappoint me I know she is not capable of any emotional attachments. I guess I was hoping for some sort of maternal comfort....especially since everyone thinks I'm dying....and get this we talk about me possibly having a lung transplant and she lights up a cigarette and thinks it is okay because she has an ashtray that sucks in the smoke.....I don't get it???? it just puzzles me.
I know we all have family crap to deal with and I have a great family, Hubby, kids, my Dad and wonderful friends, but I guess you never get over needing a mom, and I miss my grandmother all the time. Maybe I am just tired of trying to keep it all together and maybe some of this is the jetlag and the time of year....holidays approaching (I don't like Christmas for this reason)
I hope writing all this down will get it out of my head, because I've been a bit weepy when this stuff bubbles through my head.....I am not a weepy person.
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