A long post from limbo

Yes, I am in limbo and I feel so up and ready one day and so stricken with grief the next.  This divorce has been a long time in coming and it was both of our mistakes for not speaking up about it many years ago.  In the mean time, we lived a life.  A life full of good days and bad days, anger and arguments.  It was days filled with support and allowances for each one of us to be who we wanted to be.  I wish my STBX did not have such an anger or a temper.  There is a rage and ranting when something is not right for him.  I have had too many years of what I finally realized of emotional abuse.  There was never any name calling, just impatience when he did not have control over a lot of things and not just in the marriage.
We worked together in a car factory and that is where we met.   A few years into the marriage, a general foreman had me leave the assembly line (kind of a no-no) and go calm down my husband that was in a major rant in his block house office area.  The STBX had told me that he did not throw anything and I realize now just typing this that he was covering it up.  I have seen him throw things at times such as in the garage when the automatic door was not working one morning.  He never hit me but there were two instances where he made a remark as if to say that I had no idea what he was capable of doing as far as his anger and strength was concerned.  It was only two times out of 24 years.
We are living in the same house while we fix it and repair it to make it sellable on the market.  We could live separately but we can not afford to do that.  Our house payment is too much to pay on our own.  It is a slow process as we try to work on the papers with the mediator and I know that my attorney is getting anxious about getting the divorce papers drawn up.
The STBX tends to find other things more a priority  than collecting our financial statements right now.  We have a few commitments as a couple and then he works a lot of overtime that is mandatory. 
I will give him credit as through our marriage and dating history, he has always been dependable and reliable and supportive.  He works hard and while we struggled through the first decade financially, we never lost our house.  He would sell a part of his comic book collection on the computer.  That shows a bit of his sacrifice.  He has always been trusting.    He lost his job last summer but never stopped looking for a job and got hired in the fall of 2013.  He works so much overtime and brings home a good paycheck but it wears on him and tires him out.
The divorce is a mutual thing and the process will be amicable with a want to still keep a friendship in tact.  We do not have children.  Three years ago, I evaluated my life and realized that I have not been happy for many, many years.  I have had too many times of crying when alone or running to our guest room and crying my hurt out.  I then faced my fear and told him that I did not want to be married any more.  He felt the same way.  It had been three years into the marriage that I realized that he had changed and I lost a friend that day.  That friend being him.
I don't really know where I am going with all of this post.  For me, I met someone from my graduating class and formed a good friendship on line and then we started spending time together.  He gave me confidence and support as he had been divorced.  He knew of my situation and promised to always be there for me and that nothing would ever change the way he felt about me or discourage him.  Then, after being built up with promises and a sense of safety, he ended it all.  He became cold and bitter and vicious to the point of calling me names.  It did end and I eventually got on with life to focus on my divorce.  It was good in a way as I had been looking to this person as a life raft for happiness and it would have gone bad once I got my emotions adjusted after the divorce.  Turns out there was another classmate on his horizon that he and the other person would lie about and cover up.  I could not deal with lies like that so it was for the best.  They say that people pop in and out of our lives for a reason even if we don't understand why but I do know that he was my push to start getting a divorce and start getting a happier life.
Now, it is 6 months after that episode of a mistake.  I have been waking up some mornings with anxiety knowing that the present will not be as safe or the same in the future.  I feel alone before actually being alone.  I fear as most here what lies ahead and wonder at times if I will even make it on my own.  I used to live on my own for 13 years before my marriage but I remember each one of those years being lonely and not having that element of another person in the room or waiting at home to ask about my day or wanting to hug me or even have a normal conversation to keep the quiet minutes away. 
I have birds so I can't have a cat.  You can't hug a bird.  I want a dog so badly but I am looking to rent a place and I have limitations for any place being pet friendly let alone affordable.  Buying a house right away would not be the right thing for me until I get my emotional state in balance and I know that I am making the right decisions for something of that commitment. 
My STBX and I get along while living in the same house but there are times when the reasons surface for me wanting to leave the marriage.  His impatience/anger/rants are there every so often.  His bad mindfulness around the house habits show themselves on occasion (granted he always put the toilet seat down after his use).  It just feels though that when  we are traveling together in a car and while he drives, I look at him but I am sad inside knowing that it is a memory in the making and I will be driving alone in the car someday.  I look at him and see a past of good things and hurt with the present knowledge that we are no longer strong in the marriage and that our futures are no longer an US but a me and a he. I feel like one of us is dying from a terminal illness and have been given only so many months to live and are relishing each moment in the present.  I keep having flashes of times in our past of so many good things and good aspects and attributes and fondness.  The good seems to float on the top and close to the surface while the bad memories and instances linger at the bottom weighed down with lead. 
We have gone through so much together such as the loss of his parents, my aunts stroke, supporting our family through their tough times, allowing family members to live with us over the years during their struggles.  Our house has never been magazine photo perfect and there was never any theme in a room and there were always improvements needed.  While the house was not all that great, the two of us worked on making it a home and a welcome place to share with others and to make it a home. Granted, the only way I was going to have a new screen door put on the front door as it was not closing properly was to ask for it as a birthday present.  I think about that pettiness but we were able to go to Las Vegas, The Grand Canyon and the Mall of America on my 40th birthday so many years later at our joint expense. 
Like I said, I don't know where I am going with all of this entry.  I have gone to counseling, I am friends with a woman from out of state that I be friend-ed 3 years ago on another support site.  She runs divorce care at her church and gives me encouragement and prayers.  We have become the best of friends.  I have been making the effort to form friendships with old co workers and old classmates as nothing more than a friendship.  I have been trying to establish for my life to continue in a different direction once I am alone.  I don't really want to start up any new interest as I have so many unfinished hobbies and likes already.  I have also recently lost over 100 pounds and choose not to sit as much anymore so I now do biking, running and walking and yoga.  I know that it helps my endorphins but I still get those pangs of hurt, loneliness, fear, anxiety and a bit of a want to hold on to either my husband or my marriage.  I try to read things that can help with my emotions and have an app of encouraging quotes. I am trying to learn a lot so I can prepare financially  and emotionally and on a single person level.
I start to wonder if I am making the wrong decision or if it is all for the best.  I talk to God a lot and ask for guidance and understanding.  I am trying to figure out my direction of my path in life.  If there was ever a chance to save the marriage, life would have to be different and it would start with things that I think would be miracles as they are unique and a zero possibility of happening.  For my STBX to show up with a dog to keep would show his want to keep together.  I can say this strongly as he has always been dead set against getting a dog and taking medicine to cope with the allergies.  Even an allergy to the hypoallergenic dogs.  Or, to come home some day and see every single room in the house loaded with flowers even if they are blossoms from the trees or lilacs as my favorite flower.  Like I said, I have an idealist want for my happiness and tend to forget that I am not in a movie and this is reality and not a dream world of happy ever after.
Thus ends my emotional roller coaster but only for this day.  I might regret posting all of this to share with people to think me off my rocker.  I am just not well in my spirit right now. I hurt