A Long Long Day At My Therapists Office

I am publishing this today, Friday, but this is really for yesterday, Thursday.  I was just too busy to do it yesterday.  I came in and I told her how the 3 of us are now all talking out in the waiting area.  The one guy isn’t coming on Thursday’s anymore because his therapist is having him go to a Men’s Group Wednesday night.  So the three of us were talking.  Me, the lady she sees before me (she said she’s 62 or 63 and is a foster mom and adopted 2 little girls now 7 & 9 – has been going to her not that long) and another lady who sees her partner (she’s a nurse, divorced and thinks the whole group is fantastic).  When her partner got her she told her we are all becoming friends.  My therapist asked me if it’s just from meeting out there and having the same appointment times.  Yes.  She said how normal people just with issues go for therapy, too.  I know she knows I have a stigma about going and hiding it.   But we didn’t say anything more about it.    I saw a bouquet of red roses in a vase on her desk and asked her if someone gave her those for her birthday.  Yes – her husband.  Very nice.  Then I went on, “OK, here’s the deal for today.”  She looked expecting something – I don’t know what and I’m sure she didn’t know either.  Anything can happen with me.  I told her my kids are coming at 5 and I have her 2-3 then the massage therapist after for maybe 20 minutes.  It’s silly for me to go home and then half an hour later to come back again.  So I’m going to hang out in the waiting room.  I do my journal, that I know no one reads and I wonder why I still do it but I do, after seeing her.  So, if I could have 2 pieces of paper I’ll just sit out there and write.  And, what we did last week I would like a copy of.  Now?  Sure.  She had to go to the file cabinet in the hall to get my file and made me a copy.  She said it was crooked and I’ll have to deal with that if it bothered me.  It didn’t bother me.  Here’s what it said:  Issue:  Inside feel like the outside Challenge:  fear – something may happen I need/want to believe:  1.  I can get through it                                        2.  People will still like me                                        3.  I am not alone I need/want to feel:        1.  Confident                                        2.  happy                                        3.  fulfilled I need to do:                   1.  Approach feared issues step by step                                        2.  get out there – say yes more  She asked me if my granddaughter is coming today.  Yes.  It’s her last day of chemo.  Her mom’s taking her and they planned a party and her dad’s upset he wasn’t invited.  Then she’ll drop her off here or at their apt after – don’t know yet I’m waiting for a phone call.  She said Thursday nights are pretty hectic out in the waiting room and the male therapist isn’t a parent.  I know, she can be loud.  I told her I’d do my best to get her to be quiet.  I wish she had a turn down volume button.  I told her the reason I watch them there and not at my house because I never know if she wants to see any of them.  And later I have to babysit them tonight, too.  Sometimes we go to the bathroom and I know she can be loud and I tell her to be quiet.  She said I could take her to the one down the hall but it’s hard if she doesn’t have her prosthetics and all.  She nodded.  I asked if the male therapist said anything.  She said no but his office is right there and so is the massage therapist’s and she didn’t know if she’s staying later or not.  Well, it turned out it wasn’t hectic out there tonight and the kids were quiet.    So we talked quite a bit about the massage therapist and me maybe doing 20 minutes today and maybe on the table.  It’s not that I can’t go 20 minutes without having to go to the bathroom.  I can go a couple hours sometimes.  It’s just I’m worried about relaxing too much and I think I said not paying attention.  She asked me if I considered telling her about my problem.  She’s like a physical therapist and may now of a way to help me.  It would be good personal growth for me and experience telling others and sharing me secret.  No – I don’t want to.    I did ½ hour with her once and at the end I needed to go to the bathroom but I think we talked a little first.  And with the other massage therapist it was for 45 minutes and I told her I wanted to go about 20 minutes through.  She asked me if I did tell  her what would I say.  I said I wouldn’t just tell her.  It would have to be a time thing.  I’m afraid she won’t like me.  I go in and we laugh and have fun and I’m afraid it won’t be like that if she knows.  Like I’m a pain.  She said it’s different with her than it would be with my friends.  And once it’s out you can’t take it back.  She said I should do it to get out of my comfort zone.   No, I don’t want to.  She asked me if I don’t want to or can’t.  No, I just won’t.  She said I’m not ready.  No.  She alluded when I’m ready I will.  I know she wants me to and she was trying to get me to but I just can’t.  No reason to now anyway.    I asked her if I can have my bag to take with me just in case – I hope I don’t need them.  And then after she’s gone I’ll put it back by her door up against the wall.  She asked the bag with my clothes or with the products in it.  My clothes – I’m not that bad!  She didn’t comment.  So she said that’s fine.  I can do that I told her it depends when she leaves.  If she stays then it’ll be after my kids leave because I don’t want them to see either.  She’s seeing someone after me 3-4 and before them 4-5.  Then we talked about dates.  I told her I was trying to decide the Wednesday before Thanksgiving or the Saturday after.  But first I asked her if she is going to be there the next week on Tuesday, the day before her surgery.  Yes.  I told her I have plenty left for insurance.  I asked her if I can use Mon & Wed (noon or 4 and I said 4) for my two next week and Saturday and Tuesday (not Monday like usual) for my two for the following week.  And then the week after her surgery that Thursday if she feels well enough.  Then back on our regular schedule except that Monday she has that meeting and asked if I could come at noon.  She didn’t blink an eye at any of them.  Well, more money for her because it’s mostly all going to be billed to insurance and she’ll get 59.00 instead of my 20.00 on some of them.  But I don’t want her to get tired of seeing me.  So she wrote them down for me and asked if they will all be billed to insurance.  Not all but most – we’ll have to see how the rest of the year goes.    So, she asked me what agenda I have for today.  I guess she expects me to have something every time.  I told her I wanted to talk about my cousin, my husband and my Aunt.  But, we only go to my cousin.  She asked her name.  She knows her name but I often wonder how she remembers all the clients names and their names and such.  First time she didn’t remember hers.  But I told her that’s OK I have lots of cousins and took it like she didn’t know which one.    I told her about the phone call and I could talk for 5 minutes but that wasn’t enough time for her.  Her phone messages are so long and she can say it a lot quicker.  I know I’m my name and I leave her messages a couple minutes long sometimes but I say a lot.  Not like my cousin.  She didn’t want to be rushed – like my Mom used to say.  She’s so much like my Mom and it pushes my buttons.  Yes, I miss my Mom but the good things.  I thought I was away from the bad things but no, not with my cousin when she acts like her.  She hoovers over her daughter like my Mom did to me.  She said how interesting that is.  When I said I have so much to do – I have between 150 and 180 and she probably couldn’t even handle one.  But she came back with all she has to do for her daughter.  Her daughter is 26 and should be doing these things on her own!  I tried to call her 2 times but couldn’t get her and wanted to before I came here in case she upset me but I haven’t heard back from my cousin yet.  She said about her not respecting my time.  No.    At some point we got to talking about watching throwing up videos.  I can’t remember when or why.  But it was like she was saying it wasn’t a good thing to do.  Maybe she doesn’t like to watch them.  Like something else is better.  I told her the Dr Oz show today picked someone in seat number 39 (not a good number for me – ironic) and he told her she was going to throw up and made it seem like on the show.  I don’t really watch when I’m working but I listen.  But, I thought, should I watch this or not?  Well, she didn’t actually throw up but they put all kind of colored water into a bag and she ejected it and it splashed up against a plastic wall.  She said I should do that with my grandson.  He doesn’t have to know why.  I can tell him just because it’s a fun thing to do.  Just so that I can get used to hearing the splash.  Again, I don’t think she thinks the videos are the best – this type of thing first.  I didn’t say but I think the videos are good, too.  So during this conversation about my cousin I interrupted it and told her I want to do something else.  Last year we went next door to buy cookies and I want to do that for my Aunt again this year.  But I want to go when I have to go to the bathroom.  Maybe we’ll go Tuesday before her surgery.  So, today I just want to go over there when I don’t have to go, just walk over and in the store and come back.  She asked me if I wanted to go now?  Yes.  So we did.    On the way I told her how we were trying to get business for the massage therapist for one of the ladies in the waiting room – how nice it is.  She also asked me about watching my granddaughter somewhere else.  I don’t know, I’m waiting for a phone call.  She was kind of stuck on this.  I also said, on the way back, I asked if she will be seeing them before her surgery after today.  No.  I said something about they might not be able to come at the beginning of the year for a while until they build up their deductible but he’ll have to discuss that with her.  As, it turns out they are seeing her again before her surgery.  I asked my daughter at dinner and she said Saturday because I’m coming that day and I can watch the kids if needed – she told them.  I come at 2 and they come after me at 3.  I asked them if she said she won’t be there for a while.  Yes, but she didn’t say why.  I told them her reconstructive surgery.  See how private she is.  And, she never told them about her cancer when she told me she will because of my granddaughter’s chemo and she can relate.  My daughter said she probably figured I told her.  I guess.   Anyway we got about over to the store and I looked up and said I saw a little blue patch in the sky.  Yeah – it’s been raining so long.  So many rainy, gloomy days.  We went in.  I pretty much lead the whole time.  We first passed the bakery counter and I looked for the cookies and none yet.  She looked too.  Then we got to the end of the bakery counter and I said we can go down the isles.  I almost slipped on the floor and I told her to be careful there it’s slippery – I almost slipped.  I guess she didn’t see.  I lead and she just followed.  I read what it said on a can for her after I figured out what it was.  We went down 2 isles.  Then I said we’ll go.  Don’t know if she heard that or just followed me.  A lady asked me if she can help me.  I just said no.  Don’t know if she noticed that either.  So we walked out and back.  Didn’t say much – kind of quiet – both of us.  I just talked about my kids not coming at the beginning of the year but that’s about all.  I don’t like the silence.    We came back into the office, me leading still.  We sat down and she asked me how that felt.  Great, I needed to do that.  She commented that I’ve been going later in the session not having to go to the bathroom.  I think she said not being comfortable.  Weird way to say it.  I nodded but commented that it depends on how much I drink and when I went last.    So we continued about my cousins.  And about the party.  It’s so lovey-dovey.  I like it but maybe it’s kind of fake or too much.  And about I’m so worried about money and the gift exchange that maybe I don’t want to do it.  I have to pick the names in that little worry box I bring.  She asked me how many people.  Lots – maybe 25-30.  Wow. She said about doing the game (I have done it before) where you bring presents and each person gets a number to pick one and you can trade.  But, I told her there’s so many age ranges.  And, my cousin really wanted me to do it this year – the whole party.  She said that may be a lot and even for my kids because they have to buy 4.  And, I have my family, too.  Right and so many for each of the little kids I try to keep up the tradition.  I don’t know maybe I’ll say something maybe I won’t.    I told her who’s coming and a little about my cousins.  How they have a lot of money.  My one cousin who’s a therapist and her husband is a psychologist, too.  They have 4 kids and now they are divorcing because he’s gay.  She said that sometimes happens when the kids get older.  I nodded.  I can tell her because she doesn’t know them and she would never tell anyway.  She nodded yes.  But she has a boyfriend in Hawaii.  And my other cousin who is married to the owner of a very popular camp for rich and other kids.  She’s a little snobbyish but her husband is very nice.  They have a daughter who’s afraid of throwing up, too.  She though that was interesting.  And my cousins husband who was the singer at the biggest congregation.  And they do shows and sing and dance (my cousin’s a dancer).  Sometimes I feel like a no body.  But I have my own talents.  She nodded.  She said maybe I’ll do the singing and dancing too in my own way – or maybe I said that – I can’t remember.    So soon after we had gotten back from next door I had to go to the bathroom.  We were still talking about my cousins.  I told her I wanted to wait so we just kept on talking for a little bit.  I made a face.  “Is it time to go?” she asked me.  No.  I wanted to know how long it’s been.  She said 5 minutes but then changed it to closer to 7 minutes because that’s how long we’ve been back.  I tried to talk some more but couldn’t talk anymore.  I said so.  So I told her to say something.  She just commented about how hard it is dealing with my family about presents and such.    I tried but really soon, after making more faces and really struggling, I said I better go.  OK, she told me.  I got up and left but came back right away and told her, “The guy is in there.  What do I do?”  She told me to go down the hall.  “Go down the hall?” I repeated and left again.  But as I was passing the bathroom he was out so I went in.  I wet my pants a little but didn’t say a word to her about it.  She didn’t need to know that.  When I came back I think she was surprised it was so soon because she thought I went down the hall.  She had her laptop open and then closed it right away when she saw me.  I told her he had left so I was able to go in.  Then I told her the story of what happened when I first went to go.  I saw the light on, he was washing something out, I said ‘sorry’ and then came back into her.  But then he was gone when I came back out.  She asked me what was going on, was I frozen in my mind as to what to do.  Yes – I didn’t know what to do.    So she wanted to use this as an example and asked me what I could have done.  I told her I know a couple weeks ago we talked about practicing this and not freezing and going down the hall.   But we didn’t have to practice today.  I told her in this case it’s a good thing I didn’t go down the hall because I wouldn’t have made it.  It’s a good thing I stayed.  But I never know what kind of situation I’ll be in.  In other situations would I stay or would I look for somewhere else to go?  I don’t know.  At least here I had a place to go back to and won’t always in other situations.  She said it’s hard to know and it’s real life situations like this that may happen.  And she won’t always be there for me to rely on.  She said about being prepared and not in my denial.  But I said I don’t carry my extra clothes with me everywhere I go.  She knows I don’t.  I said how, for today, I may have needed my extra clothes and I didn’t want to have to use them now.    I can’t remember what else we talked about but it was time to go.  She gave me her writing tablet and had given me my bag of extra clothes.  As I was walking out I told her to look for the bag later (hoping I won’t have to use it) depending on when the massage therapist leaves.  So I went into my massage therapist and she could only do 15 minutes with me and told me her saga.    Her Chinese exchange student is no longer living with the host family and is temporarily living with her and she has to pick her up from school.  Before she told me the whole story I asked her how the beading thing was and I would have liked to go but it was too crazy with my stuff that night.  Before I left we looked at the calendar because things are different with times with Thanksgiving, her not being there and my therapist not being there some times.  She said maybe I can see the other massage therapist on some of those days.  So I left and she knows I was just going to hang out for a while.    After my massage therapist left I put my bag by my therapist’s door against the wall by the closet.  I went back to the waiting area to answer my cell phone, went to the bathroom and then just waited.  I wrote.  I didn’t even get to listen to my IPod because my kids were way too early – 30-45 minutes early.  After 4:00 a maybe Asian girl came out and she came out after trying to get her because she left her sweater there.  “Jen”, she called as she tried to catch her.  In the hallway coming in was a man and his maybe 9 year old son.  She said hi and so nice to see them.  She didn’t catch Jen so she came back with the sweater, put it on the table in the waiting room and took the little boy back right away.  About 40-45 minutes she called “Tom” the dad in.  The whole time, in and out, she completely ignored me.  Not a hi, didn’t even look at me.  Very strange.  Like I was totally invisible.  Can she just focus on one person?  Did she not want to identify me for her or maybe for me.  Who knows?  Just very strange.    When she came out to get my daughter and her boyfriend she just generally said, “Hi guys!”  She had them the whole time and the little kids got very bored.  They wanted to badly to go back and play in the sand table.  She does need to see them, too.  And it didn’t help that they were there so very early anyway.  I just told them we have to make our own fun and tried to find more things to do.  When they came out I did go back to her office to give her the tablet of paper back.  I told her we used a few more.  Nothing else.  I’ll tell you one thing.  I feel like I lived there today.  I even told that to the man therapist when he was leaving one time because he saw me so much.  It was certainly a long day there for me and yes, I was glad to go.  I did see how she takes one client after another, right in a row.  And all different kinds of people.  It must be interesting for her but I bet she is tired after a long day like that.