A little summary of my problems
Hey! so I'm going to do a little summary about the reason why I'm in this page today.
I've never been a smiley positive or pretty girl. I'm always looking the dark side of everything, wich has made my life, excuse my words, a shit.
I was bullied in school (Which I still go to) by a girl which name I'm not going to say, she would kick me, call me names, take any person away from me and spread lies about me through the whole school. Of course I wasn't an angel so I did something back. Never as bad as what she did though. This girl spent 4 years of her popular, beautiful and rich life ruining mine. Soon she left the school (she still cyber-bullied me though), but the smiley me had disapeared, if there ever was one, as my mother says. The other kids became like her.Another 2 years passed by and I met a friend, who wouldn't laught at me, she did with me. One day a partner told me she was only with me to be nice, wich I believed and still do, even after having asked her and been answered with a no, I could see anoyance in her eyes everytime I joined her group of friends, so I just started being alone again. Then a new girl came to school, we played together everyday, we even created a group of friends... We discussed once in a while but I could say that year was the best of my short and sad life. Until we discused so hard I lost the original friend. I still hung out with the other members of the group, but I felt bad to see her so silent when I was there, I just wished I didnt disturb, but I knew I couldn't go back to my lonelyness, I wouldn't deal with it. On November 2013 This friends left me with a note. This note said that we barely talked (Lie, I couldn't shut my mouth up) and a few other problems that I created by being on the group. The night I read the note I was in tears and couldnt sleep. I did it again, I have this thought in my head saying 'You are going to end up alone' 'You only cause problems, see?' 'You disgust me'. Good thing that I met my best friend or God knows where I would be right now. She doesn't go to my school though so I'm alone. Again.
My family isnt helping either. My brother ignores evrerithing that has to be with me, my mother laughs at my face, gets angry with me, my father just doesn't even listen to what I say, and my friend well, she tries to help but only makes it worse. I remember when I was a kid my grandparents and ty mother would discuss every day, I remember each time they shouted, they almost kicked to each other, how my brother and I hid under the table, each sympathetic smile my grandfather gave me at the end of the fight, and how they kicked us when it was our fault. They finally kicked us out of their house sending us to our small, depressing and dangerous home. I was about 7 by the time. We were (and still are) poor so we didnt get to buy much clothes, which ment I had to go with the tracksuit to school. I remember a day a parter asked me about it and I told her we didn't have the money, they sent me straight to my tutor to talk about it. Great Drivell! (note sarcasm). The fact that my parents hate each other and spend the day criticizing to each other and asking for money doesnt help either, It just reminds me that someday I will have to chose who to go with, and it's hard to chose between your parents, you know?
BUT then I started watching YouTube videos, wich made my life, might I add, a bit better. The YouTubers made me laugh, or at least not feel sorry for myself, so I was just great! until the anxiety and panick attacks came. I have a panick attack everytime I have to do something in public, and an axiety attack when I stay alone for a long time since I have this thoughts running through my mind 24/7, which gets me to self harming (yay!) (note sarcasm. Again). I have the worst grades, I'm ugly, obviously not popular, I don't have friends at school and they probably think my friend doesnt even exist, the people feel sorry for me, but NO, don't feel sorry for me, please, I just get to think that there has to be a reason you feel like that and makes me feel how worthless I am, see where I'm going?
OK I think that's about it. There is a whole more like recent heart breaks and discussions and shit-school grades (fails) but thats is not the point in here, is it? What would you do if you were me? because I honestly dont know what to do (If the self harming part didn't clarify that). So yeah. Bye? Help? Is anybody even reading this? If they don't, well, at least I got it out of my chest for a while.
I've never been a smiley positive or pretty girl. I'm always looking the dark side of everything, wich has made my life, excuse my words, a shit.
I was bullied in school (Which I still go to) by a girl which name I'm not going to say, she would kick me, call me names, take any person away from me and spread lies about me through the whole school. Of course I wasn't an angel so I did something back. Never as bad as what she did though. This girl spent 4 years of her popular, beautiful and rich life ruining mine. Soon she left the school (she still cyber-bullied me though), but the smiley me had disapeared, if there ever was one, as my mother says. The other kids became like her.Another 2 years passed by and I met a friend, who wouldn't laught at me, she did with me. One day a partner told me she was only with me to be nice, wich I believed and still do, even after having asked her and been answered with a no, I could see anoyance in her eyes everytime I joined her group of friends, so I just started being alone again. Then a new girl came to school, we played together everyday, we even created a group of friends... We discussed once in a while but I could say that year was the best of my short and sad life. Until we discused so hard I lost the original friend. I still hung out with the other members of the group, but I felt bad to see her so silent when I was there, I just wished I didnt disturb, but I knew I couldn't go back to my lonelyness, I wouldn't deal with it. On November 2013 This friends left me with a note. This note said that we barely talked (Lie, I couldn't shut my mouth up) and a few other problems that I created by being on the group. The night I read the note I was in tears and couldnt sleep. I did it again, I have this thought in my head saying 'You are going to end up alone' 'You only cause problems, see?' 'You disgust me'. Good thing that I met my best friend or God knows where I would be right now. She doesn't go to my school though so I'm alone. Again.
My family isnt helping either. My brother ignores evrerithing that has to be with me, my mother laughs at my face, gets angry with me, my father just doesn't even listen to what I say, and my friend well, she tries to help but only makes it worse. I remember when I was a kid my grandparents and ty mother would discuss every day, I remember each time they shouted, they almost kicked to each other, how my brother and I hid under the table, each sympathetic smile my grandfather gave me at the end of the fight, and how they kicked us when it was our fault. They finally kicked us out of their house sending us to our small, depressing and dangerous home. I was about 7 by the time. We were (and still are) poor so we didnt get to buy much clothes, which ment I had to go with the tracksuit to school. I remember a day a parter asked me about it and I told her we didn't have the money, they sent me straight to my tutor to talk about it. Great Drivell! (note sarcasm). The fact that my parents hate each other and spend the day criticizing to each other and asking for money doesnt help either, It just reminds me that someday I will have to chose who to go with, and it's hard to chose between your parents, you know?
BUT then I started watching YouTube videos, wich made my life, might I add, a bit better. The YouTubers made me laugh, or at least not feel sorry for myself, so I was just great! until the anxiety and panick attacks came. I have a panick attack everytime I have to do something in public, and an axiety attack when I stay alone for a long time since I have this thoughts running through my mind 24/7, which gets me to self harming (yay!) (note sarcasm. Again). I have the worst grades, I'm ugly, obviously not popular, I don't have friends at school and they probably think my friend doesnt even exist, the people feel sorry for me, but NO, don't feel sorry for me, please, I just get to think that there has to be a reason you feel like that and makes me feel how worthless I am, see where I'm going?
OK I think that's about it. There is a whole more like recent heart breaks and discussions and shit-school grades (fails) but thats is not the point in here, is it? What would you do if you were me? because I honestly dont know what to do (If the self harming part didn't clarify that). So yeah. Bye? Help? Is anybody even reading this? If they don't, well, at least I got it out of my chest for a while.
Replies