A Little Over a Week Since He Left....

About a Week and a Half since He Left Me now, and I guess I'm doing as well as can be expected. It's been rather a Big Adjustment because He had Me so damn dependent on Him in Many Ways. He would take care of taking the Garbage out, and would get the Mail Each Day... those are just Two of the Things He'd do for US, since because of My Knees I can't do Either One. Now, I'm suddenly left to figure out WHO I can get to help Me do those Things. So far I've had my Niece do it twice for Me, but She's got so much going on in Her Life right now that I haven't really been able to established a SET pattern for Her to come over to do those 2 Things for Me. I'm thinking that MAYBE Tomorrow I'll have to ask the Meals On Wheels Driver that comes with My Lunch to PLEASE take out a Bag of Garbage for Me. I don't know what else to do right now, since I need to get it out soon.. lol.. it's starting to stink ! I double-bagged it, though, to hopefully prevent it from stinking up the apartment, and from attracting any bugs too.I'm HOPING that MAYBE I'll be able to get a Neighbor of Mine to help Me Today, and She'll take out my Garbage for Me, and go get My Mail.I wish I hadn't allowed Him to let Me be so damn Dependant on Him ! I guess that was all part of His Way of Controlling Me ! It's definitely been an Adjustment living Alone again.In Many Ways I Love it ! I have suddenly a LOT of Freedom that I didn't have with Him ! But, then at Times when I'm sitting Alone, and I start thinking.... I start feeling the Heart Break all over again, and I start Missing Him. I DON'T WANT TO MISS HIM !!!!! IT'S NOT RIGHT ! HOW CAN IT BE RIGHT TO MISS SOMEONE THAT TREATED ME THE WAY THAT HE DID ????I Loved Him with ALL of My Heart, but NOTHING I EVER DID FOR HIM WAS EVER ENOUGH !!!!! NOTHING I ever did to Please Him EVER MATTERED ! Every Move I made was ALWAYS critqued... always critized... always judged... and Judged WRONG !!!! So WHY is it that for the Last couple of Nights, or so, I've had DREAMS about HIM ???!!!! Damn it ! I wish I could wipe out ALL MEMORIES... AND ALL THOUGHTS OF HIM.. OUT OF MY HEAD FOR GOOD !!!!!! Plus I wish I didn't have URGES to TRY to CONTACT HIM !!!!! DAMN IT !!! I know trying to Contact Him would be just playing right into His Hands, so to speak. It would show Him that He still has a certain amount of CONTROL over Me, and He'd probably even LAUGH about it !!!! HE DEFINITELY DOESN'T DESERVE TO EVEN KNOW THAT I STILL THINK ABOUT HIM !!!! I know this, and Yet... I still WISH I could Hear His Voice Again. Damn ! I wish I didn't feel this Way !  I wish I didn't Miss Him.I DON'T WANT HIM BACK IN MY LIFE.... I CAN'T HAVE HIM BACK IN MY LIFE... I KNOW ALL OF THIS... VERY WELL... AND YET... I STILL MISS HIM ! GOD HELP ME !!!! I DON'T WANT TO MISS HIM !Missing Him SCARES ME, because that in the PAST has been the ROAD that's led Me to taking Him BACK.. YET AGAIN... AND THAT IS SOMETHING I JUST CAN NOT DO... EVER AGAIN.. NEVER AGAIN !!!