A Life Sentence???
No, I am not talking about my unhappy marriage that I am wanting to escape. Or the relationships that are offered to me without even meeting first... going simply on what two people come to know, see and understand from connecting online and sharing a few pics.
Recently I am reminded that I first have to be happy with myself just as I am. Well, truth is I felt I was doing pretty well with that. I realize I have alot to offer and alot of love to give. (Whether it is to others I do come in contact with... some who are as lonely and down as I have been in the past... or a special man if I were lucky enough to find one) Because of feeling little affection with lots of conditions in my life, I consider that a blessing to help me to try like hell to love unconditionally. For as long as I was again able to open up and FEEL anything, that was a tool I would use to reach out to neglected or forgotten kids, animals...and people So they did get to feel loved and accepted. I know now that I have many tools I have been given... the ability to write, draw and simply... to care.
I am reminded now--- since dealing with real people in the real world --- The entire free world does judge you based on your looks. Long ago I would hear similar messages from 2 f**ed up family members. Now I catch the hurtful words from a handful of coworkers. Yes, the ones who lack tact or compassion (who do believe THEY are perfect.... but are probably insecure). Bare in mind they never say these things to me and are always decent, however, when you hear them make fun and pick apart practically everyone they see....for everything under the sun.... too tall... too short... too fat... too thin... wild colored hair... clean shaven no hair... funky outfits... tattoos....big belly... boobs or butts..... The one that gets me the most is the weight deal. Hearing .... well, she's heavy, not much to look at...or "Oh, you have such a pretty face."....(translation... too bad the rest of you sucks)... or I love the attacks on others .... how in the hell did HE wind up with her???
It is a shame to think that if you've got some hips and curves and some extra pounds to shed.... you are not permitted to enjoy the same pleasures of the rest of the population. I think it is kinda sad to think so many people miss out on knowing who we ALL can trulybe because of all these preconceived notions. We are still attractive, intelligent, affectionate, humorous, adventurous people who are not dead yet and do still have wants, needs and fantasies and still crave abit of passion and some sex! (Especially if we have gone without for 85 years!)
I don't prefer the life sentence of being expected to be quiet and remain in the shadows. Been there, done that... I would like this particular sentence suspended.... problem is, will others let me???
Replies
I hear you loud and clear! To tell you the truth skinny people are not attractive to me. I like people to be a healthy weight or a little plus size. I like curves and I think that real people have them. Sure some people are naturally thin and on the petite side but I think everyone should love and accept themselves for who they are. Don't listen to people that are judgemental and always finding fault and picking on other people. Everyone should find confidence and everyone is entitled to have love and sex no matter what size and shape they are . I do think that People that are morbidly obese should do things to regain their health and figure. I watch the show my 600 lb life and I see how some people get to be so overweight that it is really killing them and they need help and weightloss surgery at that point to get their life back. I have curves and I try not to let the doctor and society tell me how much I should weigh or what size I should be. I do think I need to lose weight and that it will help my health and make me look and feel better. But right now I'm on vacation and the last thing on my mind is being on a diet. I am eating everything that I want to eat and enjoy! I will go back on my diet when I go back home. But today I had a belgian waffle, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee with caramel masschiato creamer in it and it was good. I had it delivered from the Egg and I. The coffee I made myself but everything else was cooked and delivered to my door. I didn't feel like making breakfast and wanted someone else to make it. Afterall I'm on vacation for a whole 2 weeks and loving it!
This is a good post. Glad you got that all said. You go Girl.
Hugs.
If you know anything about art history, you know that fuller female figures were once the style. Fashion changes, but people with common sense and heart look at the inner person, not just their looks. As the Bible says, "Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." I Samuel 16:7. We should all look at each other with spiritual eyes. One nice thing about meeting people on here is that we don't see what we look like, so we respond to words and ideas. I like that. I pray that you will continue to see inner beauty and find others who do the same.
Thank you both.
@ art4life---glad you are enjoying that vacation. That is what they are for.. I have also seen my 600 lb life and cannot fathom ever reaching that point... but I am sure they feel the same way. I m happy to say I am not headed anywhere near there, but in the same breath, do know I will never be a Victoria's secret model (Hips and Curves one maybe, lol) I do know I do feel better when I exercise and eat healthier (it does also boost the confidence to have the control to make a plan and stick to it.)
I feel the same. Been made fun of by relatives is so hurtful. I always said I didn't have any ugly cousins but they didn't feel the same about me. I was always the "fat" one. Even when I wore smaller pants than they did. I did have boobs that they lacked but that was from my other grandmother! When you weigh 120 to 130 and 5'4", you are not fat!!
Being told you are too fat to have sex with is also hurtful. He said he didn't like plus size women was mean. I am a 1X. But some of my shirts are large. I have great legs if he ever cared. He also said he wouldn't date any woman. I found out he recently had a date. I was told she is a small woman but she refused his wanting sex. I can't understand why I am still friends with this jerk. I guess it is my loneliness. At least I can talk to him. I've done him favors at work like letting him know if something comes in that he likes. He always says my reward will come in Heaven. NO, I am going to collect here one of these days. Not physical but he has a connection I want to use to sell some stuff. I am tired of being used.
It has been my experience that you don't jump from married life to being in love with another over night. This does not happen.. There are many of us (men) out here that are looking for a special friend...size with us is not soo important, a big girl can be just as sexy as a skinny lady.. Hair, clothing, cleanliness, vocabulary, fitness, enthusiasm for life, availability. You must place yourself for people to see you, outside of the workplace. Dress for success, flaunt what your assests are. You know your best features.....You may have avoided being sexy for awhile, now is the time to show your stuff. Don't just talk the talk walk the walk.. Now that you have the guys attention and your asked out, don't pressure the guy for a commitment. Enjoy the opportunity of having a partner, IF it appears that your enjoying the relationship, DON't wait tooo long, don't be shy, share what your needs and wants are.."GO for it" Don't waste your time in another lack luster relationship ,its a two way street, move on to the next if that be the case. Their may be a few frogs before you find your Prince, but hopefully your enjoying the journey..
I think as a society we all need to learn to avoid the temptation to see others as different from us.....and to judge that difference!
God Bless
Veggie,
We all must be happy within ourselves. Each of us is only responsible for our happiness. I also believe the interior of a person is the most attractive part of an individual. Your writing has shown amazing beauty and women. Women with a few extra pounds shouldn't believe they are less attractive. I find more attractive.
I always apply the expression “what other people think about you is really none of your business.” People’s hang ups about others’ looks, appearance etc are about them, not about you or the people they are directing them. It’s their issue. Believe me fat, plain, middle age people who are ok with who they are, and are happy with themselves ARE enjoying the same pleasures as the rest of the population.
I have always been between a size 14 -size 18. IPeople either think I’m attractive or don’t. I could give a crap what others definition of beauty is as long as I’m feeling good about myself. People will always judge. That’s their problem.
I read this beautiful journal entry when you wrote it. I had started a reply but stopped because it didn’t ring true to me. And my new (last ten months) path is honesty. I have been changing my ways to try and become a better person. I had lost my way for a long time. And feeling lost, I became selfish in many ways. Because how can you love and be present for others when you don’t love yourself? How can you be strong for others when your will is weakened? How can you accept others when you don’t accept yourself? In being open and (sometimes) painfully honest with myself I am seeing my flaws clearer than I ever have. And am trying to learn from my mistakes. Seeing how my behaviors were created. We fear the unknown. When I face these deep things in me that I have avoided looking at all my life I am seeing a pattern. I have had my share of low self esteem. And to try and compensate for that I have done all kinds of mental gymnastics to gloss over anything that seems unpleasant subconsciously. All of which feed my ego in some maner. None of which are healthy. I am steadily finding that chipping away at my ego is making me a happier, more grounded person. Accept who I am. With all my flaws. The silver lining is that I am getting a glimpse of the real me. And this is making me so much more accepting of others. I have always been open to different color, gender, sexual orientation. But I have struggled with some prejudices. And one of them is overweight folks. I know, yell at me at tell me I suck. But I’m really trying to understand. Because the problem has been that I didn’t. I would never say anything to anyone because I knew that my snap judgments were wrong. I just couldn’t help myself. But like I said; in learning about my own behaviors I can apply that wisdom to everyone. In some ways I have a very strong will. In some areas it’s weak. That’s all. I see that this is the same with everyone. Bobinmaine said society needs some changes. That we need to accept people for who they are. I couldn’t agree more. I think for that to happen we all need to strengthen our weaknesses and share our positive parts. Then we have a chance at a healthy community. I used to live with lots of anxiety and stress. To attempt to deal with all that nervous energy I became an athlete. Able to run marathons, bike a hundred miles in one burst. Climb our highest peaks. So being in that world I couldn’t get why others weren’t. But I was still anxious. So any of you plus sized folks would look at me at wonder why the hell I couldn’t just relax. Learned perceptions. Creating our behaviors and habits. For better or worse. So queen: in this long whatever it is I wanted you to know that I accept you for you. Because I’m trying really hard not to be ignorant anymore. Which is ironic because that’s my other prejudice. I don’t want to judge people anymore no matter how fleeting or seemingly imperceptible it may be. That’s only causing pain. I want to look people in the eyes and understand who they are. So forgive the ignorant. We know not what we do. Or think. And definitely don’t be put down in any way by something as shallow as ignorance. We have to rise above that pit of despair. Sorry that was soooo long. Love you.
@ finallyawake --- Thank you. I do appreciate your honesty. If I am honest, I have done this too. When I see those people on my 600 lb life, I have the same thoughts as you or anyone else. How could you let yourself get to that point? Since posting this, I realize , as I see many people working with the public , I have my first impressions too. When I see someone heavy riding the mobile buggies, or when I come across some who are so very fit and attractive (I can feel myself crawling into that old shell to hide...feeling embarassed because I do not look as good)
But just as I have been given a "gift" of being able to look past others dysfunction to try to understand WHY or HOW they have become as they are (or were)--- I also am becoming more aware that I (just like everyone else) need to stop with the snap judgements.... and am now reaching out with a friendly word with ALL I come across. With this, I do often find I am incorrect with my assumptions. Many are kind, caring people. I have also found some of those who are not at this same point... whether they are just obnoxious, unhappy and miserable to all, or simply afraid a few excess pounds may jump onto their bony frames (I have always been afraid to come across an anorexic... believing their disgust with what I have allowed myself to become....or their fear of possibly ever turning into this... would be more than I could bare.) I see now, this is THEIR problem.... just as you all have kindly pointed out.
And I thank you for that. And ask you all remember... we are in all shapes and sizes for many reasons (some beyond our control) I am fortunate (I have a few challenges that do make it a little harder, but for me,) with determination and a bit more effort, it can be done .Just as finallyawake is winding up his discovery--- I am doing some of the same. I have come a long way baby---in discovering I do believe I am a warm, caring ,special person with alot to offer. My last stumbling block has been some very cruel words from a very unhealthy, vindictive, angry family member that I was still sometimes hearing as I looked into that mirror. NOW--- I am choosing to see the bright eyes and warm smile and go from there.