A Liar Walks Into A Support Group

Where do I start? I'm 17, I've been previliaged with success academically and socially and had a relatively normal upbringing. I suppose to an outsider looking in, there shouldn't be a margin for error. Yet, here I am writing about my problems hoping it will alleviate the constant unforgiving cycle of secrecy and self-hatred I've found myself trapped in.

I'll cut right to the chase; I'm a habitual liar. I can't exactly pinpoint when it started, but it's been getting progressively worse over the past four years. It's an uncontrollable impulse, I can't stop it. I don't know when it's going to happen and I often don't catch myself in a lie until it's snowballed past the point of no return. I do not have ill intentions. I never mean to manipulate or hurt anybody. Despite that, when a nasty confrontation does inevitably occur the victim(s) of my dishonesty often accuse me of being the puppeteer in a game I've meticulously planned. I mean, they have every right to be furious with me, but I don't intentionally deceive anybody for some kind of personal gain or gradification!

Let's get something straight. I love and cherish my friends! In fact, I prioritize their needs over anything else, including my own well-being. My friends are amazing people who are always there to listen, support, understanding and help me with anything. Unfortunately my friends are the ones that usually experience the lengthiest and worst of my lies. I would give anything for the happiness of my friends, however, my actions always end up hurting them! I try to make conscious efforts to prevent this from happening. I'm forward about my habitual lying, I try to listen to the words that come out of my mouth, I try to stop and think about what I'm going to say instead of responding straight away! Even so, these attempts result in little to no success. I deeply resent and hate myself for that monsterous part of me. It's like I'm unable to be honest!

The second part to this vicious cycle is my inability to come clean due to my feelings of severe anxiety and fear when I think about losing the people I love. I know it's selfish and cowardice. There are times where I want to be honest but something within me stops me from doing so. I know that I'm the bad guy, and I don't deserve or expect anyone's sympathy or understanding but most people can't know what it's like to feel you've been drowning your entire life. I want to be a good person. I want to have long-lasting relationships that aren't built on lies and I want to be an honest person.

Because I hate the division within my being. One side wants nothing more then to have close, meaningful connections with others. The lying side, however, undermines that desire at every turn. The lying side, for too long, has infected every part of my life and continues to create a feeling of gloomy anticipation and isolation. I'm tired of living that way!

It's time for a change. Starting today.