A letter I wrote to myself 3 yrs ago.

 


Yesterday I had a heart to heart with a good friend of mine. We discussed things that made me look back and look at things in a different way. Things that I tried to put in my past and forget about. First she asked me why I got on this whole myspace thing. That's easy. to meet new friends. I have met a few people on here but I know it's all talk and will porbably never go anywheres but it's entertainment I guess you can say.
We talked about things in the past. The could have's , should have's, and would have's.I didn't think much of it at the time but last nite it hit me like a bullet to the heart. I began to think about all the paople I have met over the yrs.The people I am still friends with 2day and the apole that got away. Someone on my page made a comment on thiers, a comment that I have heard b4. "Don't dwell on the people form your past, there is a reason they are not in your future."
I'll start at the beginning. When I was 20 yrs old I met a man named David. Mycousin and I were on our way to the movies in Bristol Va. We had to stop along the way and get directions to the theater. That is when I met him. Needless to say we never made it the movies that nite, instead we spent the evening talking to the guys we had just met. After that Davis and I started dating. When I look bak on things now, I can say that things went way to fast.He was much older than me and had children. But I did not care, in my eyes he was everything.Just a short time after we started dating I packed up all of my things and moved 3 hrs away from my friends and family to move in with him.At first everything was great. I loved him and the children and they loved me.But soon things started to go bad. I could not go anywheres without being babysat. He took my car away so I could not leave the house. I was accused of things I had never done.He began to ignore me for days on end. I felt nothing I could say or do was rite so I shut myself off from the world. Even friends and family. He bagan to stay out all hrs of the nite.When I confronted him about it he told me I was acting like a baby and shut up about it. Things just got worse after that. He was my first love and I refused to give up without a fight. My BFF in Ny called me one day beacuse she was concerned that she had not heard from me. I told her what was goin on. She told me to sit down and think about my future. To think about the way things are rite now and is this what I want in my future? I did just as she said. I told Davis just after thanxgivin that I could not do it anymore and I was leaving him. He told me that he loved me and promised thing would get better if I just gave him another chance. I fell for it and I gave him another chance. For the next few days things were good again. He became the man again that I fell in love with. One nite he got home from work and just out of the blue told me that he had been seeing someone else and they were having a baby together and I need to move on with my life. I packed up all my things and my brother drove down the 3 hrs to come get me. I moved bak in with my dad. I shut myself off from the world again. I could not sleep ar stop crying all the time. I vowed to myself then, that I would never love or trust another man again. I never thought the pain would go away.The people that knew me then and still to this day tell me I have never been the same person since him.
I guess your wondering why I told u this?.I don't know really/ I guess to make people understand a little more why I am the way I am. I have dated people since then but have not allowed myself to fall in love. This apst yr I got engaged to a great guy, but no matter how much I tried I could not make myself fall in love with him. I couldn't lie to him or myself anymore so 2 days b4 my birthday I broke it off.
People tell me all the time that I am strong, but actually underneath the strong exteirior is a girl just wanting to be heard and loved. A few Yrs after the David issue a friend of mine sat me down and said we needed to talk.I had known him for yrs. We worked together and I considered him a good friend. He told me that he was being transfered to another terminal but wanted to tell me something b4 he left. He told me that over the time we had known eachother he started to have feeelings for me , but knew I would never be.;/.;. able to return those feelings. He just wanted me to know that someday I would meet someone that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who is goin t o be able to break down the wall that I have spent years building up around me. Someone who will truely see inside my soul and know the person I really am. He said that when I do find this person all he hopes is that this person knows that they are the luckiest man in the world.I never saw him after that. But somehow on that day he found a crack in my wall and took advantage of it and said what he needed to say. I will never forget what he said to me that day.
Yesterday during this heart to heart, my friend asked me if I ever pray? I told her No.I gave up on God along time ago. If God loved me then why have I been punished so often in my life.If God cared why do I lose evryone colse to me?Why did my Grandmother die when I was so young and needed her the most? Why wasn't I givin the chance to tell her goodbye and that I love her? Why was ment to meet a man that would later tear my heart out and destroy my world? Why when I was 23 did I receive a phone call from the doctor that my test results were back and it wasn't good? Why did I go back to get those results and have the doctor tell me had had cancer cells inside of me and would need surgery?This resuting in the doctor telling me that I may never be able to have children, the one thing I have always dreamed of. Why has My dad been fighting for his live the past three yrs with illness's? why did I receive a phone call one nite that my Father was in the hospital beacuse he wanted to kill himself.He gave up the strength to fight and wanted it all to end. Why did 2 mnths ago a close friend of mine try to kill himself over a broken heart? Why do the people I thought would always be there turn their back on me?Why do people have to hurt so much that they think that the only way out is to stop living? Why does it always seem just when things can't get any worse they always do?
I asked her all of these questions. If God cared then tell me why. She told me that sometimes there are things that happen to us that we will never really understand. She asked me where I found the strength to get thru it all?.She said God was what made me strong enough to make it thru. God is the one who gave me the strength to be thee for the people who needed me ahen they just wanted to give up and help them thru their problems. God is the one who helped me find the strength to make it on my own. God is the one who was trying to show me that nw matter how bad things may seem I can be stronger than any obsticle. Gos was the one who taught me that what may seem like love really isn't no matter how much it hurts. She said that God will not throw something at us if he knows we are not strong enough to fight.
My friend told me to think about everything in my life..all my friends that I have made and the family that I was givin and how much they love me. She asked me if everything looks so bad now? She said that I am a wonderful, caring, sweet, kind hearted, beautiful strong woman who knows what she wants and never gives up easily. She said to look at everything and ask myself how I got thru it all and still held my head up high? She said it was God.
I let our conversation go in one ear and out the other. I didn't ant to hear any of this. But last night when I went to go to bed I had a million thoughts racing thru my head. I got up to go outside and get some fresh air. I thought about everything we had talked about and began to cry. I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. I guess I needed to get it all out. I then got down on my knees and did something that I have not done since I can't remember when...I Prayed.
I prayed for the strength to help me understand all the things that went wrong in my life. I prayed for the strength to smile everyday without forcing myself to. I parayed for true happiness. I prayed for strength for those who don't want to keep living life and I prayed they would understand how important they really are. I prayed for the courage to love again. I prayed for the courage to knock down the wall I have built around myself and let people see what is on the other side and see the person I truely am. I prayed that God would send me a sign that I am not alone. I prayed that God would send me someone who can prove to me that not all men are cheaters, lyers, beaters and users. I prayed that this someone will except me for all my faults and quirks and still love me for the person I am. I prayed that this person would be understanding, caring, kind, romantic and never make me doudt that they are "the one" I prayed that this someone would have the strength to want to break down that wall around me. I prayed that I would let them.I prayed that God would give a sign that he has not givin up on me and was just waiting for me to talk to him again.I prayed that someone would take a minute of their time to really truely listen to what I had to say. I don't know if this person really exsist but I am will to wait if that's what it takes to be happy.
I don't know why wrote this where I did.I guess it's a test to see if anyone cares enough to hear me. I am not a crazy or bad person. I have a big heart and alot to offer someone someday. I know that I can be annoying and a pain in the ass, but thats just me.I want someone to have the guts to just tell me to hush up and smile rather than just ignore me. I want someone who will lend thier shoulder to cry on when needed and make me laugh when I need that. Someone who thinks of others and not always of themselves. If anyone has actually made it to this point I would like to say thank-u. U can think what u want of me but I needed to get this out rather than keep it built up inside.
U may be asking urself again why I wrote this. I guess I wrote this to see if God heard my prayers. I prayed that someone would take a minute of their time to really truely listen to me. Someone who cares and understands why I am the way I am sometimes Maybe someday I will have all the answers and maybe I wont. but untll then I will hod my head high and wait.