A Letter I'll Never Send

 
I've seen on another site a forum topic called "An Unsent Letter". It is supposed to address the offending party in a way you wish you could say, but because of situations or whatever, you really can't. Nevertheless, the topic exists to "get it out", process your feelings & enable you to move on. So I thought I might do the same thing here, in the safety of my own journal (thank you, DailyStrength!)
 
Dear H:
 
I would write this to you directly...heck, I'd say it to you directly. But for years now, it seems that whenever I express my feelings about a problem, you get defensive & angry. And when you get angry, you get irrational. Now I'm starting to wonder if there is any rationality left.
 
Ever since I was laid off from my first job (17 years ago now), it seems that you've turned away from me. I wondered if there was a part of you that blamed me for it (though the whole building was shut down). Were you angry that you were about to be the sole breadwinner & expected my income to always be there?
 
You turned away further when I was pregnant with our daughter. I didn't know why, but I thought maybe you were afraid of hurting me or her, since I ended up having a C-section with our son. In retrospect, I think this was when you started your "activities" in earnest.
 
When I tried to confront you about your spending, which did not curtail after my layoff, you just lashed back, saying "It's my money & I can spend it however I want!" Never mind that you have a family depending on you. Never mind that we have bills. Never mind that those few years I stayed home DID HAVE VALUE. There was nothing I could say to you, because your statement defied logic. That was when I started to turn away.
 
When you were working 2 jobs, I saw how over-worked & stressed-out you were. I wanted to help, I wanted the kids to be able to spend time with you. So I started working part-time at night. I started budgeting how I spent this money so we could handle our expenses better. It did help!
 
Then one day you walked through the door, told me that you wanted me to go back to work full time so that you could go back to school at night in order to help your career. Submissive & supportive, I did just that. I've been working full-time ever since, for 12 years. And I have loved my jobs. But we went over $20K in debt & that started the debt snowball to roll even faster. You had no concept of what money we actually had & how much we spent & what the difference was, although I showed you.
 
You never took advantage of the job-placement opportunities because they weren't "just right" for you. The jobs you took paid even less than the one you quit. And you seemed to hate & resent all of them.
 
You wanted to do something "for your career". You talked big. I was willing to be your administrative help, since that was my strong suit. But you never followed through. You never sought out possibilities or made your own opportunities. Any promising opportunities that came up, you just wrote off for whatever reason. You haven't even updated your resume in 2 years, even when I offered to type it up. It's almost like you didn't really want to succeed. And at the same time, you seemed to resent the fact that you were not a success.
 
When I saw something questionable on the computer, I tried using God's word to deter you. I like to think that it did, at least for a while.
 
But you couldn't seem to accept the fact that with 2 kids, I was often tired. Sometimes I was sick. Sometimes I just wanted to be valued just for me, not for what I can do or give. I guess I wanted to be valued, not just demanded of. So I pushed back. You probably felt that it justified your behavior. What you could not see is how your behavior affected you. Even when I didn't push back, you had problems. Do you see that? I guess not...
 
I think it all boils down to that I feel you're holding me responsible for your feelings, successes, etc. Yesterday (and I know you were feeling sick), you were moping around so heavily that I felt I was being "sucked in" to your mopiness. You seem to resent the fact that I have a job I love, that I can handle dealing with our son's teachers, that I have friends I can go out with, that I know what's going on with the kids, that I have hobbies that I enjoy, that I'm a productive individual. Don't you know that I want the same thing for you? Don't YOU want the same thing for you?
 
Here's the thing: I can't do your life for you. I can't solve your problems for you. I can't have meaningful relationships with others for you. I can't get a job for you. YOU need to do these things for YOU & you need to WANT to do them for you.
 
I think you've covered over your disappointment with your actions, and your actions just feed into your disappointment. They control you instead of you controlling them.
 
Is the person I married in there anymore? The compassionate listener? The fun person? (OK, sometimes the fun person peeks out when I make a joke, but only when you're not determined to mope.) Or is all this the "real you"?
 
To be honest, I resent your resentment against me! I resent the fact that I feel as though I were in battle with you. I did not cause your problems!
 
I wish I could tell you all this, but I know all it will do is make you mad. Mad at me. And again, there is nothing I can do about your anger. Now I need to figure out what to do about mine.