A letter
I don't know if I'm going to send this yet. I don't even know what my privacy settings will be when I get to the end of it. I don't know what my motivation for sending it would be. I just know I need to write it.
Dear Joe,
I know we talked about taking some time after your school is finished when you're in holding for a month and have time to think about what's happened between us, but I keep thinking about it and need to get it out.
You were right about something. I don't need you. I'm very capable of making myself happy and living on my own and taking care of everything I need to in my life. I'll build a new life that I love and appreciate. I'll meet new people and when the time is right for me I'm sure I'll fall in love again. I didn't need you at all.
I wanted you. I chose you. I chose you to be the one I spend my life with. I love that we can talk about anything and everything. I love that you're brilliant. I love that you're logical and rational. I love that you appreciate the world around you. I love that you're fun. I love that you're passionate and affectionate. I love that your mind works the same way mine does. I love your love of animals. I love your love of nature. I love your body. I love the way you make love. I love the way you wont let me touch a door knob or car door handle. I love that you sacrificed the life you knew for me and the boys. I love that we never fought. I love that even when we disagree we calmly exchange ideas and listen to each others opinions. I loved the thought of sitting on a porch having coffee watching the sun come up in our 80s.
I gave you my heart in a way I'd never gave it before. I gave you myself. I showered you with love and affection. I supported you in everything that you did. I admired you. I lusted you. I couldn't have given you any more because I gave you all I had. You even told me you'd never had love like we had and we were the two luckiest people on the earth. You pretty much convinced someone who doesn't believe in fate that you were right when you said everything happens for a reason and everything in our lives had lead us up to this point where we could be together.
And that wasn't enough. Nobody can give you enough. Nobody in your past gave you enough. Nobody in your future can give you enough. I'm pretty sure you'll find someone to try again with just as soon as you can. You'll find someone that makes you feel good about yourself. You'll do everything in your power to be everything they want so they love you and need you. But it won't be enough. You were the best cop any of your friends had seen. You were the best sysadmin, highest score in your AIT class, highest score anyone has got in the Army in the course you're in now. Best relationship anyone of my friends, my family, your friends have ever seen. Best lover. Best father. ...and yet you don't feel good enough. Nothing you do is ever good enough. Nobody can give you what you need but you. Nobody can fill that hole. You try so hard to be the best at everything you do so people will tell you you're good enough. So people will make you feel you're good enough. But you'll never feel that way until you yourself believe it. You don't have to be the best. You just have to like yourself and be happy with who you are. With or without someone by your side.
I shouldn't have to tell you 20 times a day that I love you. You shouldn't want to call me every second we're apart so I can tell you I love you. I shouldn't have to try to prove my love for you every day even while you're 2000 miles away. If you had any sense of self worth you wouldn't need me to do that.
You commented once on women with daddy issues and how damaging their relationships are. What about men with daddy issues. What about men whose father screwed them over repeatedly and never told them they were good enough but chose to love the kids they had with another woman instead and haven't spoken to their son in 15 years. What about men who never had a stable family, got shuffled back and forth between mother, father and grandmother. What about men who shut out anyone in their life who they feel has betrayed them in some way. What about men who shut out everyone in their life eventually. Even the ones who they actually could have had an amazing life with?
You know my need to make people well when they are sick? My incredibly annoying mothering instinct? My need to put you in bed and make you home made chicken soup when you have a sniffle? Yeah well you wouldn't believe what this is doing to me. I don't know how to help you. I don't know how I got to the point where I feel the way I do about myself. I think it was when Kenny and I got divorced. When I lived alone for a few years and discovered that I was capable of running a business and buying a house and providing for my kids. I was capable of loving someone in a healthy way. Maybe everyone needs some time without anyone in their life to figure out that they can be a whole person without anyone else's affirmation. I think that's why I want to talk to you about this. I want to tell you not to jump into another relationship. Don't try to fill that hole. Be alone until you don't need anyone anymore. Then go look for that someone you can share your life with.
I don't want to tell you these things to be mean. I don't want to tell you them so we can work on our marriage. I don't want anything from you. I truly think you are the most amazing person I've met and I wish so much for you to be able to share your life with someone. To be happy. To be whole. You have so much to offer. It breaks my heart to think of you not loving yourself more than it breaks my heart to think of you not loving me.
Now... why would I send this? Do I actually believe he'll listen? I know first hand that it's impossible to 'help' someone quit drinking or doing drugs. Is this the same? Does he have a need so strong to find someone to make him feel good enough that he won't listen? Should it matter? Should I let him go and not worry about his life anymore? Is that even possible?
Where am I at? I don't cry anymore. I sleep really well. I've accepted we're done completely. I'm making new plans for a new life and moving forward. I'm not worried about being alone. Yes I still love him. In fact if I didn't still love him it would be my motives I'd be taking a closer look at, not his. No I wouldn't take him back. It's just such a whole lot of goodness the world is missing out on until he's healed himself and can give what he has to offer. Is that really all it is or am I after something else?
Ok I give up. Someone else tell me why I want to say these things to him?
Dear Joe,
I know we talked about taking some time after your school is finished when you're in holding for a month and have time to think about what's happened between us, but I keep thinking about it and need to get it out.
You were right about something. I don't need you. I'm very capable of making myself happy and living on my own and taking care of everything I need to in my life. I'll build a new life that I love and appreciate. I'll meet new people and when the time is right for me I'm sure I'll fall in love again. I didn't need you at all.
I wanted you. I chose you. I chose you to be the one I spend my life with. I love that we can talk about anything and everything. I love that you're brilliant. I love that you're logical and rational. I love that you appreciate the world around you. I love that you're fun. I love that you're passionate and affectionate. I love that your mind works the same way mine does. I love your love of animals. I love your love of nature. I love your body. I love the way you make love. I love the way you wont let me touch a door knob or car door handle. I love that you sacrificed the life you knew for me and the boys. I love that we never fought. I love that even when we disagree we calmly exchange ideas and listen to each others opinions. I loved the thought of sitting on a porch having coffee watching the sun come up in our 80s.
I gave you my heart in a way I'd never gave it before. I gave you myself. I showered you with love and affection. I supported you in everything that you did. I admired you. I lusted you. I couldn't have given you any more because I gave you all I had. You even told me you'd never had love like we had and we were the two luckiest people on the earth. You pretty much convinced someone who doesn't believe in fate that you were right when you said everything happens for a reason and everything in our lives had lead us up to this point where we could be together.
And that wasn't enough. Nobody can give you enough. Nobody in your past gave you enough. Nobody in your future can give you enough. I'm pretty sure you'll find someone to try again with just as soon as you can. You'll find someone that makes you feel good about yourself. You'll do everything in your power to be everything they want so they love you and need you. But it won't be enough. You were the best cop any of your friends had seen. You were the best sysadmin, highest score in your AIT class, highest score anyone has got in the Army in the course you're in now. Best relationship anyone of my friends, my family, your friends have ever seen. Best lover. Best father. ...and yet you don't feel good enough. Nothing you do is ever good enough. Nobody can give you what you need but you. Nobody can fill that hole. You try so hard to be the best at everything you do so people will tell you you're good enough. So people will make you feel you're good enough. But you'll never feel that way until you yourself believe it. You don't have to be the best. You just have to like yourself and be happy with who you are. With or without someone by your side.
I shouldn't have to tell you 20 times a day that I love you. You shouldn't want to call me every second we're apart so I can tell you I love you. I shouldn't have to try to prove my love for you every day even while you're 2000 miles away. If you had any sense of self worth you wouldn't need me to do that.
You commented once on women with daddy issues and how damaging their relationships are. What about men with daddy issues. What about men whose father screwed them over repeatedly and never told them they were good enough but chose to love the kids they had with another woman instead and haven't spoken to their son in 15 years. What about men who never had a stable family, got shuffled back and forth between mother, father and grandmother. What about men who shut out anyone in their life who they feel has betrayed them in some way. What about men who shut out everyone in their life eventually. Even the ones who they actually could have had an amazing life with?
You know my need to make people well when they are sick? My incredibly annoying mothering instinct? My need to put you in bed and make you home made chicken soup when you have a sniffle? Yeah well you wouldn't believe what this is doing to me. I don't know how to help you. I don't know how I got to the point where I feel the way I do about myself. I think it was when Kenny and I got divorced. When I lived alone for a few years and discovered that I was capable of running a business and buying a house and providing for my kids. I was capable of loving someone in a healthy way. Maybe everyone needs some time without anyone in their life to figure out that they can be a whole person without anyone else's affirmation. I think that's why I want to talk to you about this. I want to tell you not to jump into another relationship. Don't try to fill that hole. Be alone until you don't need anyone anymore. Then go look for that someone you can share your life with.
I don't want to tell you these things to be mean. I don't want to tell you them so we can work on our marriage. I don't want anything from you. I truly think you are the most amazing person I've met and I wish so much for you to be able to share your life with someone. To be happy. To be whole. You have so much to offer. It breaks my heart to think of you not loving yourself more than it breaks my heart to think of you not loving me.
Now... why would I send this? Do I actually believe he'll listen? I know first hand that it's impossible to 'help' someone quit drinking or doing drugs. Is this the same? Does he have a need so strong to find someone to make him feel good enough that he won't listen? Should it matter? Should I let him go and not worry about his life anymore? Is that even possible?
Where am I at? I don't cry anymore. I sleep really well. I've accepted we're done completely. I'm making new plans for a new life and moving forward. I'm not worried about being alone. Yes I still love him. In fact if I didn't still love him it would be my motives I'd be taking a closer look at, not his. No I wouldn't take him back. It's just such a whole lot of goodness the world is missing out on until he's healed himself and can give what he has to offer. Is that really all it is or am I after something else?
Ok I give up. Someone else tell me why I want to say these things to him?
Replies
I guess the bottom line for me would be, if this person didn\'t care about their own life, and how they were leading it was ok with them, it would be hard for me to continue to care about it for them.
I think when we care about someone, we get wrapped up in making sure they succeed and are ok. We all take on some part of a role to take on a certain responsibility to make sure our mate makes it in this world. What we have to remember is that while we sort of become one, our lives are our own and we can only really take care of ourselves. If someone wants to live like they do, there is nothing we can do to make it any different for them. All we can do is realize the life they want to or like to lead, is not the life we want like or want to lead for ourselves. we have to continue to forge our path instead of others.
Do you always have to make that much sense?? ;)
I think I\'ll leave this letter sitting right where it is.
So do you think that applies to things on a much smaller scale? Like making a friend smile or feel good?
Wow, I almost want to copy this letter because it\'s close to what I want to say to my stbx. She can be an amazing person and there are so many people in her life, old and new, that care about her and know she is amazing and want to be a part of her life. But she will never be happy with anything and nothing is ever good.
And I\'ve been learning so much on this site and many others about loving yourself and doing what you can to make yourself happy and all I can think is, \"Man, she should be reading and learning all this stuff because she could really benefit from it\". And I feel like I want to say the things you said because I don\'t want her to waste her days always being unhappy and negative. I feel like I\'m the only who can save her because I know her better than anyone else.
But really, I can\'t. And it\'s mostly because she wouldn\'t let me. And I know she would not want to do the work. Or she wouldn\'t really care. That\'s why I would send that letter, or why I haven\'t sent any emails I\'ve written to her (but are still sitting there saved and ready to go). And really, I don\'t want to waste my time on someone that doesn\'t want to be saved. All we can do is hope that one day, our exes wake up and realize their potential.
My ex cares but he can\'t handle the negative emotions that go along with facing your demons. But Chi is right in that we are only responsible for ourselves. It\'s in fact impossible to \'fix\' someone else anyway. The only way you can help is if someone takes the first step and actually asks for help. It\'s actually pretty egotistical to think I could do anything to help anyway. I\'m back to focusing on \'fixing\' me.
It\'s kind of nice to be able to look at your stbx with admiration instead of hate though, huh? :)
I admire that you can admire him instead of hate him. I can see how one could tho, but it really depends on the person and situation.
i would want to say all the same things to my ex.
while we were together, his opinion of himself was out of this world.or at least so it seemed. i never realized the extent to which he depended on me for that. my approval/my praise. now that we are apart, he is falling apart.
i really wish he could see himself clearly-- all the good especially... to rely on himself for self-esteem and peace of mind. there is a lot of good in him that he has trouble seeing.
hopefully this time while he is alone will allow him to develop that strength to care for himself.
it\'s hard sometimes, though, to see him struggle and not instinctively fall into that mode of caring for him before caring for me.
i know how you feel.