A KID I KNEW
I'm tired now from doing ten loads of laundry!!! I had to wash all my cloths from the Gulf job to get them extra clean from the oil spill junk we had to deal with. I can clean my cloths okay, but I shall never get rid of the memories of the worst job and the worst summer I have ever had. B.P. Oil Company are some of the worst liars and crooks you can imagine.
Anyhow, I knew this kid once....a bunch of years ago. He was a great kid....really smart, and the best athlete in town. He was a beautiful child to look at too. You know, one of those half boy, half girl kind of looks you'd say. All I know is that the girls chased after that kid ever since I can remember.
It's sad to see he grew up in the home he did, as everyone in town knew his family was not only poor, but his folks were drunks and druggies. I went to sleep many nights listening to that boy scream from the beatings his old man gave him for nothing, but his dad was the size of two men so we were all scared of him. In those days, in that town, you just minded your own business and let families handle ther own problems. I'm ashamed now I didn't do something to help someone that had no defence..
He was really a likeable boy that everyone in school seemed to get along with. One year they voted him vice-president of student counsel so he fit in okay dispite the home issues. Even the mayors daughter asked him out to the prom one year. He told me later it was a total disaster as at the last minute on the day of the date....his folks said he couldn't go because they had no money. Truth was, they drank the money up, but disappoinment was nothing new in his life..
What was so brave about this boy, was that no matter how much shit he was put through....that beautiful young man...kept his mouth shut about home and what was going on, thats how strong he was. Years later he expalined he was simply too ashamed to let people know he was not even loved by his own parents, I mean is that impossible not to be loved by your folks??? What kind of terrible person must I be he said to be rejected by your own mother, so he hid those feelings all those years and smiled through the pain. His silence meant that at least some people would think he was from a normal loving family and not living a life of violence and shame and rejection, without one good memory of his childhood. A normal chilhood...what a fucking joke!!! Never told your loved, not bonding with anyone in your life...those are the things that cut your guts out every single day of your existence, for all your days to come.
Nows here's the funny part okay. That kid never gave up on God. He always told me that someday God would take care of him and one day maybe God would even make up for that cruel childhood he was made to endure. Yes, he got mad at God from time to time to be sure.....but always came back home, and never gave up the faith.
The last time I saw him in person was when he was 14 years old and the cops were taking him away to a foster home as the parents were deemed unfit and he was taken to another place to live. He called me a few times and told me stories of how older woman would kiss him and feel him up sometimes, and do things with his private parts. I used to listen because he was happy about it. He said he liked it because for the first time...someone paid attention to him and acted like he was loved. Even the men loved to kiss this kid, and had way too much to do with him then they should have, but he guessed this was normal in the world and did nothing about it again, but keep it all inside.
Later in years I found out he never had kids and never even married. He was no good at relationships because of the trust issue. Every girl let him down some place along the line, and he was gone again to the next great hope. It seemed no one could love as much as he could in his mind, and never got what he was looking for I guess.. I mean if you cant trust your own parents, then "who can you trust", and the answer to that turns out to be......... "no one!"
I know he lost all his retirement when the company he worked for went bankrupt. That was over $800,000.00 and down the drain. Then over $300,000.00 in stock that was lost, and finally over $200,000.00 lost in the value of his house like most of us have had happen in the last two years with eh Wall-street scam of 2009. I mean right now he doesn't even have a job anymore with the economy like it is, and struggles more than most. Getting a job while in a wheel chair and having 6 operations so far is extraordinarily difficult to say the least but he keeps making the effort.
His health is failing now too, and yet he wont ask for a dime from anywhere, even though he's a decorated soldier. But through it all, he never gave up on God, and still waits for that break in life that always seems just around the corner.
I can tell you this for sure....the guy had the best heart of anyone I ever knew and gave a lot of money away to those that had it worse.
His looks are gone now, as age erases the physical beauty from all of us.....the body that once caused 55,000 people to stand and cheer in stadiums for him with pride and admiration is now tired and broken from all the use and abuse, and yet he still laughs and manages to never give up. He keeps this idea that one day....God will have mercy on him and look down from above and smile and say..."Your a good kid Charlie Brown!! hahahaha".....and yet to date............as of today...........it's all a wish, and has never really happened.
I guess by now, you all know that the kid in this entry is "ME" of course, and I'm the one that never stopped believing. And for that....my heart is breaking and tears roll down my face as the pain deepens and cuts into me at times. To never be loved...I can think of nothing worse in life for me. I'm ashamed of myself for not be good enough to be loved....
It's not my fault of course, I know that, I really do ....but it still hurts, and the pain never goes away , it's just easier on some days.
I know it's with you in your head every single day, that your not good enough and that something must be wrong with you and everyone else is better. Thats what happens when your rejected by your parents and then God seems to put his stamp of approval on it by doing "nothing to help", for a lifetime.
I'm sorry Dennis....You were such a beautiful kid.
Anyhow, I knew this kid once....a bunch of years ago. He was a great kid....really smart, and the best athlete in town. He was a beautiful child to look at too. You know, one of those half boy, half girl kind of looks you'd say. All I know is that the girls chased after that kid ever since I can remember.
It's sad to see he grew up in the home he did, as everyone in town knew his family was not only poor, but his folks were drunks and druggies. I went to sleep many nights listening to that boy scream from the beatings his old man gave him for nothing, but his dad was the size of two men so we were all scared of him. In those days, in that town, you just minded your own business and let families handle ther own problems. I'm ashamed now I didn't do something to help someone that had no defence..
He was really a likeable boy that everyone in school seemed to get along with. One year they voted him vice-president of student counsel so he fit in okay dispite the home issues. Even the mayors daughter asked him out to the prom one year. He told me later it was a total disaster as at the last minute on the day of the date....his folks said he couldn't go because they had no money. Truth was, they drank the money up, but disappoinment was nothing new in his life..
What was so brave about this boy, was that no matter how much shit he was put through....that beautiful young man...kept his mouth shut about home and what was going on, thats how strong he was. Years later he expalined he was simply too ashamed to let people know he was not even loved by his own parents, I mean is that impossible not to be loved by your folks??? What kind of terrible person must I be he said to be rejected by your own mother, so he hid those feelings all those years and smiled through the pain. His silence meant that at least some people would think he was from a normal loving family and not living a life of violence and shame and rejection, without one good memory of his childhood. A normal chilhood...what a fucking joke!!! Never told your loved, not bonding with anyone in your life...those are the things that cut your guts out every single day of your existence, for all your days to come.
Nows here's the funny part okay. That kid never gave up on God. He always told me that someday God would take care of him and one day maybe God would even make up for that cruel childhood he was made to endure. Yes, he got mad at God from time to time to be sure.....but always came back home, and never gave up the faith.
The last time I saw him in person was when he was 14 years old and the cops were taking him away to a foster home as the parents were deemed unfit and he was taken to another place to live. He called me a few times and told me stories of how older woman would kiss him and feel him up sometimes, and do things with his private parts. I used to listen because he was happy about it. He said he liked it because for the first time...someone paid attention to him and acted like he was loved. Even the men loved to kiss this kid, and had way too much to do with him then they should have, but he guessed this was normal in the world and did nothing about it again, but keep it all inside.
Later in years I found out he never had kids and never even married. He was no good at relationships because of the trust issue. Every girl let him down some place along the line, and he was gone again to the next great hope. It seemed no one could love as much as he could in his mind, and never got what he was looking for I guess.. I mean if you cant trust your own parents, then "who can you trust", and the answer to that turns out to be......... "no one!"
I know he lost all his retirement when the company he worked for went bankrupt. That was over $800,000.00 and down the drain. Then over $300,000.00 in stock that was lost, and finally over $200,000.00 lost in the value of his house like most of us have had happen in the last two years with eh Wall-street scam of 2009. I mean right now he doesn't even have a job anymore with the economy like it is, and struggles more than most. Getting a job while in a wheel chair and having 6 operations so far is extraordinarily difficult to say the least but he keeps making the effort.
His health is failing now too, and yet he wont ask for a dime from anywhere, even though he's a decorated soldier. But through it all, he never gave up on God, and still waits for that break in life that always seems just around the corner.
I can tell you this for sure....the guy had the best heart of anyone I ever knew and gave a lot of money away to those that had it worse.
His looks are gone now, as age erases the physical beauty from all of us.....the body that once caused 55,000 people to stand and cheer in stadiums for him with pride and admiration is now tired and broken from all the use and abuse, and yet he still laughs and manages to never give up. He keeps this idea that one day....God will have mercy on him and look down from above and smile and say..."Your a good kid Charlie Brown!! hahahaha".....and yet to date............as of today...........it's all a wish, and has never really happened.
I guess by now, you all know that the kid in this entry is "ME" of course, and I'm the one that never stopped believing. And for that....my heart is breaking and tears roll down my face as the pain deepens and cuts into me at times. To never be loved...I can think of nothing worse in life for me. I'm ashamed of myself for not be good enough to be loved....
It's not my fault of course, I know that, I really do ....but it still hurts, and the pain never goes away , it's just easier on some days.
I know it's with you in your head every single day, that your not good enough and that something must be wrong with you and everyone else is better. Thats what happens when your rejected by your parents and then God seems to put his stamp of approval on it by doing "nothing to help", for a lifetime.
I'm sorry Dennis....You were such a beautiful kid.
Replies
as i read this letter i sit here in tears..this is the most warmhearted thing i have ever read.just when i was feeling sorry for my self..thinking many tings about my self.here this letter comes from you putting it all into perspective.I have at one time or the other lost what i have had bit nothing that amounts to what you have lost.but i do know that thing about keeping quiet..for me though it was because i felt no one would believe me as my family thought they were some what prominent..being old time catholic and all,i was never hit.but never loved.but they put on a good show...it was much worse.but that is another story..i am so glad that you kept ur strength up for God.i did not..i lost all faith and it took me years to get it back and n ow it is but it is week.i am so glad i fired u from bp..lol and that u r home..they cost a .lot of souls to die regardless of them bing human or not..they are a disaster waiting to happen,i so feel that they aren\'t done yet.destroying the world..but you are loved now and they say it is never to late.keep the faith and continue to look for love.it is there right under ur nose..u r just looking in all the wrong places..any time u want to talk i am here just look me up and if u need to just wend me a p.m. i will be more then happy to chat wit you.As i read this letter.i had tears running down my cheeks also,,,you have given me so much to think about. Hug\'s and love,Garna
I am so sorry, I see why now you understand me, the empathetic nature we share comes from only those who have lived through pain. I know you most likely been to therapy. I have done most of the work myself, so many issues I have worked through, but the trust one could only be worked out with a very special male therapist, and has allowed me to translate it over, although Im not there yet I know I am so close to the relationship that holds great peace and joy and most of all I will feel safe, as my childhood also left me unprotected for long periods of time. I am glad to know you! :)
I\'m so sorry you had such a bad childhood and that you are still having a hard time now wish I could do more to help just wanted to say i\'m always here for you if you need me.
Im sorry to hear this...sometimes some of us have to learn the hardest lessons in life. It still isn\'t fair.
I hope things are looking up, and you will and can be loved, remember that!
As I read this it so reminded me of my own childhood and all the things that I had to go thru, all the beatings and the other things unmentionable. I am so glad that you never lost faith in God and I just know that you will be rewarded for all the pain you have had to go thru, and that God has never left you. I do not know why God allows us to go thru this but I am sure he has his reasons. Your in my prayers and I hope life is a lot better for you now. And your past the past, and learning to love life one day at a time. lots of love Kase
I am so sorry. You\'re so strong. It makes me so sad to know that you had to go through that, but it makes me happy to know that you are so strong and to know that you never gave up and still believed in God makes me cry because i wish I could be even a tiny bit as strong as you are.
Enter a comment here.
strumphyy | hug strumphyy
Sent : 9/12/10, 10:54 am
Subject: Dennis XXX
Ah Dennis, I have just read your journal entry...It was beautiful and sad..Just like I think your heart is..Just like I see you. Your suffering and sadness made you kind and beautiful..
I can only imagine what it must have been growing up in that family, and what happened after you have left it..It must have been very, very hard..
Sadly, I have learned something about life. Unfortunately, it doesn\'t give us a break..I have started to hope that maybe in another life, or maybe in Heaven we will be truly happy..
But I can tell you this, that whenever I talk to you, read the hugs you send to other people or your journal entries, a really peaceful feeling surrounds me and a good vibe, I think it is the light of your soul..Even though you might not see it, you have succeeded. Your good heart has!
On DS you let us know you better. Here we can get to know people and express ourselves faster than we do when we meet someone face to face. Because the truth is, today\'s world is so busy and people are always on the run. I\'m sure that if you share your true self with someone, they will love you..
Your childhood experience is no less than tragic! My parents are sometimes mean(nothing compared to what happened to you) and I can see how this affects me..I think that is why this summer left you with that bad taste in your mouth. It is harder to go through tougher situations, because we instinctively don\'t feel that we have pillars of support, some arms to embrace and mend us when we go back home after a hard day. And as adults, we are left with that feeling..
I think the blow of your economies being lost is frustrating and overwhelming! I really disapprove of how things are in the political world today..We haven\'t learned anything from history..Wars and greed..and how people\'s economy are stolen and lost..the system is crazy..
I am going through the hard times with the help of reading..However literature\'s power to console can only do so much..I hope that, one day, everything is going to be alright..In this world or maybe in Heaven..Maybe our dreams are not lost..they are kept in jars and one day, we will be able to open them..Maybe our tears will be atoned for with moments of happiness..That is what I wish for you Dennis! The beautiful child is not lost..I had to chance to see him in you and it was so clear, like the light of day
Hello my friend:
I cant thank you enough for this wonderfully written most beautiful note. you are so bright and talented and your words meant so much to me. You have a way of writing that makes people feel better. That is some great talent you have.
Oh my gosh, Im so sorry! Thanks for helping me on my journals cause you understand so well! I do wish you the best!
This is so moving... It really helps me realize that everyone can feel different degrees of the same feeling, and when ever it seems I can\'t keep going, all I have to do is look around. You did it, and I can too. Thanks for being an inspiration.
The reason I didn\'t have anything to say is because you gave me the impression you did not want to hear anymore poor you. No I feel bad for you. There is God and hope. I thought what else can I say? I am sorry for that stuff. I have been hurt too. My dad and older brother kicked the shit out of me while I was pregnant. That is just one of the things that I can relate to with you. I just don\'t know,ok. It feels like anything I might say,you will not like,ok. I care about you. You seem like a good friend. I\'m sorry I don\'t have the right words. I cried my eyes out lastnight over my own problem. Then you come along in the middle of it and say,I thought you were differnt. I hurt and then you have to go and do that too.
Heart breaking...