A KID I KNEW
I'm tired now from doing ten loads of laundry!!! I had to wash all my cloths from the Gulf job to get them extra clean from the oil spill junk we had to deal with. I can clean my cloths okay, but I shall never get rid of the memories of the worst job and the worst summer I have ever had. B.P. Oil Company are some of the worst liars and crooks you can imagine.
Anyhow, I knew this kid once....a bunch of years ago. He was a great kid....really smart, and the best athlete in town. He was a beautiful child to look at too. You know, one of those half boy, half girl kind of looks you'd say. All I know is that the girls chased after that kid ever since I can remember.
It's sad to see he grew up in the home he did, as everyone in town knew his family was not only poor, but his folks were drunks and druggies. I went to sleep many nights listening to that boy scream from the beatings his old man gave him for nothing, but his dad was the size of two men so we were all scared of him. In those days, in that town, you just minded your own business and let families handle ther own problems. I'm ashamed now I didn't do something to help someone that had no defence..
He was really a likeable boy that everyone in school seemed to get along with. One year they voted him vice-president of student counsel so he fit in okay dispite the home issues. Even the mayors daughter asked him out to the prom one year. He told me later it was a total disaster as at the last minute on the day of the date....his folks said he couldn't go because they had no money. Truth was, they drank the money up, but disappoinment was nothing new in his life..
What was so brave about this boy, was that no matter how much shit he was put through....that beautiful young man...kept his mouth shut about home and what was going on, thats how strong he was. Years later he expalined he was simply too ashamed to let people know he was not even loved by his own parents, I mean is that impossible not to be loved by your folks??? What kind of terrible person must I be he said to be rejected by your own mother, so he hid those feelings all those years and smiled through the pain. His silence meant that at least some people would think he was from a normal loving family and not living a life of violence and shame and rejection, without one good memory of his childhood. A normal chilhood...what a fucking joke!!! Never told your loved, not bonding with anyone in your life...those are the things that cut your guts out every single day of your existence, for all your days to come.
Nows here's the funny part okay. That kid never gave up on God. He always told me that someday God would take care of him and one day maybe God would even make up for that cruel childhood he was made to endure. Yes, he got mad at God from time to time to be sure.....but always came back home, and never gave up the faith.
The last time I saw him in person was when he was 14 years old and the cops were taking him away to a foster home as the parents were deemed unfit and he was taken to another place to live. He called me a few times and told me stories of how older woman would kiss him and feel him up sometimes, and do things with his private parts. I used to listen because he was happy about it. He said he liked it because for the first time...someone paid attention to him and acted like he was loved. Even the men loved to kiss this kid, and had way too much to do with him then they should have, but he guessed this was normal in the world and did nothing about it again, but keep it all inside.
Later in years I found out he never had kids and never even married. He was no good at relationships because of the trust issue. Every girl let him down some place along the line, and he was gone again to the next great hope. It seemed no one could love as much as he could in his mind, and never got what he was looking for I guess.. I mean if you cant trust your own parents, then "who can you trust", and the answer to that turns out to be......... "no one!"
I know he lost all his retirement when the company he worked for went bankrupt. That was over $800,000.00 and down the drain. Then over $300,000.00 in stock that was lost, and finally over $200,000.00 lost in the value of his house like most of us have had happen in the last two years with eh Wall-street scam of 2009. I mean right now he doesn't even have a job anymore with the economy like it is, and struggles more than most. Getting a job while in a wheel chair and having 6 operations so far is extraordinarily difficult to say the least but he keeps making the effort.
His health is failing now too, and yet he wont ask for a dime from anywhere, even though he's a decorated soldier. But through it all, he never gave up on God, and still waits for that break in life that always seems just around the corner.
I can tell you this for sure....the guy had the best heart of anyone I ever knew and gave a lot of money away to those that had it worse.
His looks are gone now, as age erases the physical beauty from all of us.....the body that once caused 55,000 people to stand and cheer in stadiums for him with pride and admiration is now tired and broken from all the use and abuse, and yet he still laughs and manages to never give up. He keeps this idea that one day....God will have mercy on him and look down from above and smile and say..."Your a good kid Charlie Brown!! hahahaha".....and yet to date............as of today...........it's all a wish, and has never really happened.
I guess by now, you all know that the kid in this entry is "ME" of course, and I'm the one that never stopped believing. And for that....my heart is breaking and tears roll down my face as the pain deepens and cuts into me at times. To never be loved...I can think of nothing worse in life for me. I'm ashamed of myself for not be good enough to be loved....
It's not my fault of course, I know that, I really do ....but it still hurts, and the pain never goes away , it's just easier on some days.
I know it's with you in your head every single day, that your not good enough and that something must be wrong with you and everyone else is better. Thats what happens when your rejected by your parents and then God seems to put his stamp of approval on it by doing "nothing to help", for a lifetime.
I'm sorry Dennis....You were such a beautiful kid.
Anyhow, I knew this kid once....a bunch of years ago. He was a great kid....really smart, and the best athlete in town. He was a beautiful child to look at too. You know, one of those half boy, half girl kind of looks you'd say. All I know is that the girls chased after that kid ever since I can remember.
It's sad to see he grew up in the home he did, as everyone in town knew his family was not only poor, but his folks were drunks and druggies. I went to sleep many nights listening to that boy scream from the beatings his old man gave him for nothing, but his dad was the size of two men so we were all scared of him. In those days, in that town, you just minded your own business and let families handle ther own problems. I'm ashamed now I didn't do something to help someone that had no defence..
He was really a likeable boy that everyone in school seemed to get along with. One year they voted him vice-president of student counsel so he fit in okay dispite the home issues. Even the mayors daughter asked him out to the prom one year. He told me later it was a total disaster as at the last minute on the day of the date....his folks said he couldn't go because they had no money. Truth was, they drank the money up, but disappoinment was nothing new in his life..
What was so brave about this boy, was that no matter how much shit he was put through....that beautiful young man...kept his mouth shut about home and what was going on, thats how strong he was. Years later he expalined he was simply too ashamed to let people know he was not even loved by his own parents, I mean is that impossible not to be loved by your folks??? What kind of terrible person must I be he said to be rejected by your own mother, so he hid those feelings all those years and smiled through the pain. His silence meant that at least some people would think he was from a normal loving family and not living a life of violence and shame and rejection, without one good memory of his childhood. A normal chilhood...what a fucking joke!!! Never told your loved, not bonding with anyone in your life...those are the things that cut your guts out every single day of your existence, for all your days to come.
Nows here's the funny part okay. That kid never gave up on God. He always told me that someday God would take care of him and one day maybe God would even make up for that cruel childhood he was made to endure. Yes, he got mad at God from time to time to be sure.....but always came back home, and never gave up the faith.
The last time I saw him in person was when he was 14 years old and the cops were taking him away to a foster home as the parents were deemed unfit and he was taken to another place to live. He called me a few times and told me stories of how older woman would kiss him and feel him up sometimes, and do things with his private parts. I used to listen because he was happy about it. He said he liked it because for the first time...someone paid attention to him and acted like he was loved. Even the men loved to kiss this kid, and had way too much to do with him then they should have, but he guessed this was normal in the world and did nothing about it again, but keep it all inside.
Later in years I found out he never had kids and never even married. He was no good at relationships because of the trust issue. Every girl let him down some place along the line, and he was gone again to the next great hope. It seemed no one could love as much as he could in his mind, and never got what he was looking for I guess.. I mean if you cant trust your own parents, then "who can you trust", and the answer to that turns out to be......... "no one!"
I know he lost all his retirement when the company he worked for went bankrupt. That was over $800,000.00 and down the drain. Then over $300,000.00 in stock that was lost, and finally over $200,000.00 lost in the value of his house like most of us have had happen in the last two years with eh Wall-street scam of 2009. I mean right now he doesn't even have a job anymore with the economy like it is, and struggles more than most. Getting a job while in a wheel chair and having 6 operations so far is extraordinarily difficult to say the least but he keeps making the effort.
His health is failing now too, and yet he wont ask for a dime from anywhere, even though he's a decorated soldier. But through it all, he never gave up on God, and still waits for that break in life that always seems just around the corner.
I can tell you this for sure....the guy had the best heart of anyone I ever knew and gave a lot of money away to those that had it worse.
His looks are gone now, as age erases the physical beauty from all of us.....the body that once caused 55,000 people to stand and cheer in stadiums for him with pride and admiration is now tired and broken from all the use and abuse, and yet he still laughs and manages to never give up. He keeps this idea that one day....God will have mercy on him and look down from above and smile and say..."Your a good kid Charlie Brown!! hahahaha".....and yet to date............as of today...........it's all a wish, and has never really happened.
I guess by now, you all know that the kid in this entry is "ME" of course, and I'm the one that never stopped believing. And for that....my heart is breaking and tears roll down my face as the pain deepens and cuts into me at times. To never be loved...I can think of nothing worse in life for me. I'm ashamed of myself for not be good enough to be loved....
It's not my fault of course, I know that, I really do ....but it still hurts, and the pain never goes away , it's just easier on some days.
I know it's with you in your head every single day, that your not good enough and that something must be wrong with you and everyone else is better. Thats what happens when your rejected by your parents and then God seems to put his stamp of approval on it by doing "nothing to help", for a lifetime.
I'm sorry Dennis....You were such a beautiful kid.
Replies