A home

Overall, I'm a very together person.  Great family, great friends, successful career, own house.  But inside, I often feel like a lost soul, like I've been looking for that one close connection all my life.  I remember longing for that connection and imagining that person as a little girl.  Despite a fair amount of therapy, I still don't know the core of why I felt disconnected inside most of my life.  I am very friendly and social, I love talking to people.  Maybe I put up protective barriers?  I do focus more on other people in conversations rather than letting them in to see me.  Internal insecurity, probably.  I've been in relationships where I felt lonely IN them, and clearly they weren't right.  The past several years, I've worked on opening up more to people, laughing louder, crying openly, being goofy, admitting my shortcomings.  But deep down, I had this loneliness that I couldn't fill.
The man who just left my life, my guy for the past couple years, somehow melted every barrier I had instantly.  He was so genuine, non-judgmental... I felt like myself after our second date.  It was really glorious.  He was so loving, so affectionate.  I didn't need to hold back my loving nature in any way, he'd welcome as many hugs as I wanted to give.  I laughed louder than I ever had, admitted my insecurities, and fell completely in love.  I finally found the connection, the home, I had been looking for.  I could say confidently, for the first time in my life, I wanted to be with this man for the rest of my life.  I wanted to live as long as I could to have more time with him.  When we talked about our relationship, he was on the same page.  I'd tell him that my life is full of technicolor with him in it.  Crappy days at work are easier because I knew I'd see him at the end.  I could fill a book with the ways our relationship brought me joy.  His family and friends are wonderful, very salt of the earth, friendly, real, direct, open.  Coming from a family that was somewhat reserved, with no extended family around, it opened up a lot inside of me.  I wish I had learned all this in my teens or 20s, rather than now.  But I guess I'm glad to have at least learned it. 
Most of the people closest to me, like good friends and family, live in other states, so I don't have a strong local network.  I do feel on my own, and alone, a good amount of time.  Now that my guy, who I saw long into the sunset with, is gone... the emptiness is creeping back in.  I know that gardening and family and friends aren't going to fill it.  I will get out, and live life, help people where I can, enjoy the world.  I've done it before.  I can be content, but that home for my heart will still be missing, and little nagging sadness of not having a partner will be back. 
I don't know if I'm scared, or just really sad.  Life has turned from technicolor back to black and white.