A Heart...
A heart that's been broken's a heart that's been loved... words from a song that are indeed true. I have wondered and complained about discovering feelings all those years ago. These days (and even before at times) it was too easy to be struck down from the bad stuff but just wanted to feel the good stuff too. When I did some cleaning in the kitchen, I did get rid of alot of stuff plastered on my fridge. I did leave up a card Dave had made for me years ago. It is on pink cardstock and says we love you. On it is a picture of him on the beach on our honeymoon, both our cats, (Pita and Jazzy) Kozmo (my best buddy) another of my Dad, sister, nephew and Addi as a baby and another of Addi (my great niece) when a bit older.
I look at this and smile as I did have them all to love... but then the tears come as they are almost gone. Dave.the pets, my Dad, my sister and her family are still around but I only seem to hear from my BIL when he is planning on stopping here to pick up tools or do some work. I heard from my nephew's wife the one time and that was when she said Addi had mentioned checking in on Aunt Kim. I have called twice and not heard back from them. So apparently those I do love do not really care and as I have predicted -- I am easily overlooked and forgotten. Please forgive me for feeling sorry for myself-- I realize there are many who feel like I do. Doesn't take the sting away though.
So there it is- I did get to feel love and loved. I guess I am grateful but now just want to curl up in a ball and disappear if that is all there is. To me a life of simply going through the motions and "existing" is nothing and that is how this feels now. I am not feeling strong at all these days-- but more ready to give in and surrender . I am on the edge of that cliff and not really feeling anything to keep me here anymore. Just so tired. :(
Replies
In many ways Kim, I can identify with some of your feelings about relatives. I lived 7 blocks from my sister for 7 years and she was never in my house. She passed away last June, I live 12 miles from my twin brother and have for 12 years and he has been in my home 3 or 4 times.
I had 4 half-sisters and 2 living half brothers and only 1 half-sister was ever in my home. They have all passed now. I did my last half-sister's funeral about 5 yrs ago. So, I can kind of relate to some degree how you feel. All my brothers-in-law have passed too, All that is left of my family is my twin brother. Life isn't fair and often times hard to understand but, we must keep hoping for the best and make do with what we have.
I hear you. But a new friend could be just around the corner. There are others like you out there--you need each other. Many of my closest friends are not relatives, but people I know at church. When this pandemic is over, I pray you'll find a way to reach out and make new connections in person. It will be very satisfying if you can meet someone else's needs at the same time yours are fulfilled.
My mom passed two years ago. Had disappeared from my sister and I for ten years. We were notified of her death by the apartment super when he found her. She had been living twenty miles away and never met my granddaughter.
People get lost in their lives and the time slips away. Don’t take it personally Kim. It’s not AT you. Just a sad effect of them being stuck.
I’m alone a good bit but I don’t feel alone. Not really. This is the time for all of us to find our best friend.
Meet Kim like I’m meeting Jason. On a first name closeness.
It’s not a prison. It’s time to shift that perception.
We must keep hoping for the best and make do with what we have. Life's not fair. He's right about that. Like Oldbiker my brother lives 15 minutes away from me. Oh I talk to him for business reasons, but I doubt I see him more than twice a year and when I do he's in some big ass hurry. My older sister lives with me and I look out for her interests and she makes my life at home here comfortable. She's supportive and the type of family you want to be around. My older brother? We call him Cousin Mike. Rarely answers the phone and any mention of getting together is taboo. My mother before she passed away lived 15 minutes away also and I saw her regularly and took her out to lunch a couple times a week. Despite that she made it clear over the years that she preferred my Uncles children to her own. We're all related, but she would always talk about my cousins like they were the greatest things since sliced bread. I was patching things up with my mother when she died and I'll always live with the fact that I don't believe she loved me like her own child. I found that the more I tried to have a relationship with my brother the less the chances were going to be that my efforts were successful. As a matter of fact the less I pushed the issue the better things got.
My point is that sometimes family can hurt you worse than anyone else cause it's logical to assume that "Hey I'm family" I've found that being family sometimes works against you. As I say in business. Never hire family members. They're the first to fuck you over, steal from you, or let you down. I get where your feelings are going Kim, but remember you never really know someone until you live with them especially family. I had a girlfriend once. She decided she was going to live in Las Vegas with her cousin and make it big time working in the casinos. We said our goodbyes and such and a week later she was blowing up my phone needing a plane ticket back home because she had tried to beat up her cousin. Family right? Who's the first to fuck you? That's right. Cost me a $400 dollar plane ticket and a few more weeks in an up and down relationship. My first question the next morning at breakfast was "what's your plan B?" She didn't have one and almost ended up homeless in Vegas.
Now foodcooppres has a valid point. A new friend could be right around the corner. I couldn't wait to be in a respectable relationship and I believe you know how that's working out for me. Life's pretty good, but I ended up with one of the few ladies in the world that doesn't like sex. Tough shit. Life's not fair. Where have I heard that before? You know that I'll always encourage you to seek out and find happiness. Your smart and beautiful both inside and especially outside:) Use the sadness you feel to motivate you to make yourself happier. Loneliness is one of the devils best friends and it's designed to try and keep you down and feel defeated. You know what you want and you agree that life's too short to not have what you want so shake your fist at the devil and be yourself.
As far as family perhaps a few days off from work and a road trip? You got to crawl before you walk, but stay on it. There's facebook, facetime, and skype. So reach out with highest of hopes, but don't let your feelings get hurt.
Ttyl.
W
My feeling is that life is neither fair nor unfair. It’s just life. If loss teaches us anything it’s that life is important. So why put our happiness into others’ hands instead of our own?
Kim, I agree with finallyawakenow, that none of this personal and the perception has to change. Occasional pity parties we all need but don’t let your perceptions become the narrative you assign to
your life.
You can decide how you want to live and how you want to see yourself. No one forces us into enduring misery or unhappiness. We do that to ourselves.
Thank you all.Just to update you ...I am feeling alot better than yesterday. Still not so good...but better.
Don't want you to worry