A hard e-mail from H on guilt and blameshifting

Dear Sweetie, Excuse me for barging into your DS email feed. But it is related, so it fits. Tonight, literally this morning, I decided to check in on CA forum. Some recent activity had bumped your thread you posted just over a month ago to the first page, titled, "Why do I still struggle over the OM." Naturally it caught my eye. In reading the original post, I had some memory of being aware of it and must have read it, before many responses were posted. Reading through it, it seemed a lot of the cheaters identified with your struggle. In one of your responses you made the following comment: "for me, I am still carrying some guilt concerning him that I have never been able to let go of and I am hoping this letter will help me with that. If it doesn't, then it doesn't and I will just have to keep on going as I have been because I am doing all I can and...well...it's just a hard journey and that's that." Did the letter help? To be honest, this made me sad. Not to suggest you are violating our rebuilding, though if left unchecked, I suppose it could be the toe-in-the-door factor that might fire up a rekindling of the relationship, though I know that is unlikely at this point. But this made me realize Bubba, as I call him, is still a part of our marriage. He still has a part of your heart, even if it is just this small hook into your emotions of feeling guilt for whatever heartbreak he went through in the sudden termination of all contact with you. I see these feelings of guilt as one last means your subconscious is using to keep you emotionally attached to him. As long as you care, he is still with us. I know, I know. This takes time. Time to slowly die. But there are some elements that people keep alive. Just as you will likely always experience some guilt in my behalf for what you did, it will be hard for your guilt over him to die simply by the passing of time. Why? Because you believe it was at least in part, your fault that he was hurt. I felt something was off here. Then it hit me what you are doing. You are doing what many BSs do: blameshifting on yourself. I know we've discussed this before, but maybe you weren't ready to absorb it then. But I think this puts it in perspective. As you know from writing our book, sometimes CSs, in an attempt to deflect guilt and blame, point to marital difficulties in why they cheated. But we both know that while marital issues can contribute to the temptation to cheat, they don't justify the decision to cheat by a CS. Even a totally dysfunctional relationship, while giving motivation to cheat, doesn't make the BS to blame for the CS's affair. Some BSs, due to low self-esteem, blame themselves for the CS's affair. Usually resulting in them trying to do everything to make the CS feel better about the marriage, creating more of a co-dependent relationship than a marriage. Leaving the CS feeling justified, and therefore, likely to continue the affair, not to mention potentially lose respect for the "grovelling" BS. One of the reasons our rebuilding proceeded as fast as it did is that you never blamed me, the marriage, or anything or anyone other than yourself for having the affairs. In spite of the fact that while we were happily married, there were areas we lacked in connecting in our relationship. It would have been easy for you to point to those and attempt to blame me for your affairs. But you never did. You owned it and took responsibility for making the changes in yourself and with me that accelerated our healing. Likewise, I made changes as well, not because I thought they caused your affair, but because I love you and want to build a better marriage and make myself a better man. I wanted to do my part to reduce unnecessary temptations in your path to give you the best chance of recovery. Thankfully, you've taken advantage of that. But you are doing the same thing to yourself. You are blaming yourself for another's decision. You certainly added to his temptation, but only if you lied to him would you be culpable. But you didn't lie to him. He knew full well you were married when the relationship started. Yes, he erroneously got the idea our marriage was on the rocks because you shared some of your frustrations about me with him. That doesn't excuse his decision to purposefully and knowingly attempt to steal another man's wife. As a matter of fact, you told me that when it started getting serious with him, you warned him this could only end in pain for both of you. He knew this to be true, and still chose to do it. Likewise, you told him plainly that when I found out, you would stay with me at his expense. He knew all this. So he wasn't deceived into believing you were single and available. He knowingly entered into a relationship with a married woman. Fact is, he came to the gym to find a woman. Obviously he wasn't concerned whether the woman he hooked up with was married or not. If you had not been sending out the vibes, he would have found someone else who was, who may have been married, and he'd be experiencing the same pain in all likelihood as he did with you. Point being, he could have backed away when he discovered you were married. He could have said no. You are not responsible for his bad decision to allow a relationship with you, no matter the temptation you may have added into the mix. For you to feel guilt over hurting him, would be the same as if I felt guilt over you having an affair. I do feel guilt for not having been the husband I should have been, for being so selfish. But if I thought I was to blame for your affairs and felt guilt over that, it would be a false guilt and a case of me blameshifting myself. That is what you are doing to yourself. You're accepting blame for his hurt. You did not hurt him. He chose to be hurt through you. You are simply the vehicle he chose to hurt himself with. If it wasn't you, it very well might have been some other married woman at the gym. I'm not saying you should be cold, not experience sorrow at the pain the As caused him, you, and everyone involved. But you can only take blame for your decisions, not his. You didn't hold a gun to his head and force him to have a relationship with you. You didn't lie and tell him you weren't married. He knew. You know the saying you've said to me many times. "I asked for this pain, you didn't." In the same way, he asked for his pain and you asked for your own. You didn't ask for his pain. He did. He had a choice, and he took the path of pain. He found out why married women should be off limits. Bottom line, you have no right to feel guilty about his pain because he asked for it. Just like I have no right to feel guilty over your pain you experienced in ending your A because you asked for it. Certainly I empathize. I know it was difficult, and obviously still is almost 3 years later. But you feeling guilt over his hurt is your brain's attempt to hold onto a sliver of love for him. You feel guilt because you still care for him. Because there is still love for him, however hidden, residing in your heart. Feeling guilt, which you've convinced yourself is justified, is only keeping that emotional connection with Bubba alive. But it is a false guilt. I know acknowledging that is only the first step in letting that link with Bubba die with the others. You also have to not just believe that with your mind, but also with your heart--that you are not to blame for his bad decisions and therefore you can have no valid guilt for what he went through. Your guilty of tempting him. You are not guilty of him giving into it. Big difference. Until that guilt dies, that part of your love for him will live on through the rest of our marriage, and make it more likely to create a rekindling of the flames somewhere down the road. I love you, and know we can make it. You can conquer this just like you've defeated the other difficult enemies of rebuilding in battle. It is my hope that while this is a bit of a downer of an email, that it also will be positive because it helps you to see a path to clear that guilt. If anything, it should prompt you to give it to God, leave it in His hands, accept forgiveness of what you are actually guilty of, and move forward. When thoughts of guilt for his pain arise, snap your rubber band and say to yourself, "He asked for his pain. I didn't." Because, that's the truth. Stop blameshifting on yourself. See you soon, lover girl.