A Good Talk

Tonight I met with my stbx to discuss what we were going to do financially now that he's laid off until Jan 5th.  I was nervous, scared, hopeful and anxious all at once.   I called him earlier today to see what time we were going to meet and he was very pissy with me.  Grouchy and didn't even want to meet.  He didn't think we needed to get together to even discuss it because there was nothing we could do.  He immediately got on the defense and started saying that the condo has to go and the kids and I need to move into a $700 a month apartment or something.  He is carrying a big chip on his shoulder about this condo and has from the start.  I'm sure with everybody chirping in his ear about how I am "living large" in this condo, he's thinking we don't need it and can't afford it. Well I kept talking to him very calmly while he continued to get angry.  When he talks about a $700 apartment he's talking about our niece who moved into a very nice apartment complex not far from us.  But, she has a 1 bedroom and it's so small, it's ridiculous.  I explained to him that there is no way that me and the kids and the 2 cats and the dog can fit into a 400sq foot apartment.  I told him that it's like all his rationalization has just gone out the window.  He asked what I meant by that and I told him that he seems to be making all his decisions on emotional reaction instead of rationally thinking things through.  I told him we are NOT moving again, that I am not uprooting my kids again and that we'll just have to find a way.  I said I thought it was important for us to get together to see what money we will have coming in and what money we will need to dish out.  I was the voice of reason.  I told him he just sounds so angry and he said he was.  He's angry about getting laid off on top of everything else and I told him it's not my fault and not to take it out on me.  He finally agreed to get together, but I said I don't want to talk to him if he's going to be defensive and angry before we even begin.  So I said if you're coming, bring your nice side. At 7pm we met at a local restaurant and when he came I could see that his bad mood was still with him.  But I kept everything very light and throughout the time we spent I was able to defuse his mood. We talked about everything except our divorce.  We talked about an old friend calling him up, about his job and what he's going to do, a little about the kids - just talked.  I told him about my weekend with the girls and how much fun I had.  I told him I'm going white water rafting and he was like "really?"  I told him about getting another job and that we'll be ok we just need to make some adjustments.  I told him  his getting laid off is not the end of the world and maybe its a blessing in disguise.  I told him he's more marketable now with his new job skills and he might be surprised to find that he's needed elsewhere.  It kept it very positive and upbeat and he began to relax.  I gave him a gift - well a gag gift actually.  My stbx is a BIG hunter and I saw a camoflauge toothbrush in a checkout one day and picked it up.  I wrapped it with a note that said, "Now you can brush your teeth while you're hunting and no one can see you".  He laughed at that - it was pretty funny.  I told him I wanted to ask him something but that with the way he is so angry I didn't know if I wanted to still ask him.  He said just tell me.  And I said, "you know, you've changed.  You just seem so angry all the time".  I told him that I had 2 tickets to a Red Wing game and I wanted to see if he wanted to go with me.  The one thing we always had in common, no matter how we were getting along, is our mutual love for our Red Wings.  He just looked at me and said nothing.  I explained that they were really good seats and that I just thought it would be more fun to go with him than anyone else because we both love the team.  He looked at me still and then said, "ok, next subject".  I said, "what no comment?" and he said, "no comment right now".  I said, "look, either you want to go to the game or not" and he said, "well you know I want to go to the game, I'm just not sure it's a good idea".  I said, "it's not like a date or anything, it's just a game - think about it and just let me know if you want  to go or not" and I dropped it.  Another olive branch extended.   I know I said I was going to flat out ask him if he wanted to try marriage counseling, but the timing was not right for that question tonight.  I prayed that God would give me the right words for this talk and I felt these were not the right words for tonight - maybe another time, but not now.  We were talking so good and I didn't want to put the added pressure on the situation.  He knows that I'm open to it, so I'll leave it at that for now. I also mentioned that we might want to put this divorce on hold for now until his job situation is settled.  I asked if he would use some of his retention for his lawyer to pay a month's worth of condo payment.  He doesn't know if he can do that, but he said he'd look into it.  Remember I said God works in mysterious ways - maybe this is God's way of giving us more time before the final papers are signed.  I don't know but it's possible. Anyway, it was a really good talk and I felt happy about it.  Not that there's any more of a chance at reconciliation, but whenever we can talk without getting angry or defensive, especially about money, it's a good thing.  Oh, and not once did he bring up the idea of the kids and I moving out of this condo.  Guess he had time to think about it RATIONALLY.  :) At one point when we were done talking about the finances, I told him if he wants to go he can, I had just warmed up my coffee, and he said "no", he's ok with staying for a little while so I thought that was good.  He wasn't in a rush to get away from me. I'm still OK with everything - even if it's still about divorcing.  I'm still ready for it if it comes, but everyday that it's not finalized, is a good day and a day longer that we're not divorced.  I hope that makes sense to you.  Almost like a senior citizen stating that everyday above ground is a good day.   I'm glad this talk tonight is over with and I'm glad it went well and we can still sit and talk with each other.  It was good for both of us I think. On to the next hurdle.  I'm ready for it what ever it is.