A Good Day (so far)...

Last night I dreamed of my husband.. Or ex.. Whatever he is.. I'll just call him my BD (babydaddy).. I have been dreaming of him everynight for the past week.  Sometimes its good, sometimes its bad.. sometimes the OW is there.  Last night I started to have a panic attack about 3am..  I was able to calm down enough and go back to sleep thanks to the strategies my therapist taught me.  Truthfully I miss him, but the old him.  We have such a great time together.  When things are good they're great.. but they always turn out bad and when it's bad, its very bad.  I read something in the Bhuddist religion that said something like "Existence is suffering, the cause of suffering is desire, to end suffering change the desire".. something like that.  This is true.  Sometimes I'm so angry or hurt that I never want to see him again.  I dont desire him, and I feel much better.  I desire to find a man who will treat me right.  Someone who will respect me and not tell me I'm stupid or call me a bitch.  Someone who will love me unconditionally and not play head games.  He makes me feel like I'll never be good enough.  No matter how hard I try to make him happy..  I'm beautiful, smart, work hard, a full time student, great mother.. What more could he want?  I think he just likes to hurt me.  He must get some satisfaction out of it. 
Today has been ok so far.. My kids and I went to church.  It was nice to be around positive people.  Afterwards I went by my mom's for lunch.  Went home and took a nap.  I'm going to spend the rest of the day catching up on homework I guess.  Hopefully I can manage to keep my mind off of him.  I keep picturing him with her and with the others he had in the past.  Instead I should be picturing me with an amazing man. Yes that is what I need to picture. 
One day at a time.. Today is a good day.

Replies

Teresabhopes
Teresabhopes

I know what you mean about the dreams. It\'s been two years since I moved out and he still shows up while I sleep. I think it is the subconscious trying to make sense of the situation, or trying to get rid of him! BTW, you are right to want a man who will respect and love you. I found mine and it\'s like night and day. There are good men out there - just take care of yourself and wait; don\'t compromise. You will love to be loved by the right person for you.
KourtneyHart
KourtneyHart

Thank you for your kind words.. I know you are right. I hope to find a good man someday soon.