A Glimmer of Hope

The feeling of relief, when I came back to my mother's, who I am staying with this Christmas, knowing that the Christmas revelries were over, was incredible.  This is my third Christmas without Darryl and the first time I have shared Christmas dinner with my brother and his family since the final terrible Christmas that we spent alone and his death on January 19 2007. For whatever reasons, family were not able to be there for me then and I grieved that as much as anything. This year I weakened because of my mother's declining health and the feeling that she might not be here for another Christmas. I decided to seize the opportunity, cast aside any remanants of ill feeling, think about more than myself and go. It was all very pleasant. A niece actually shared a memory of 'Uncle Darryl'. Everyone laughed about our notorious, irreverent humour. It felt like he was by my side.  By four oclock I took Mum home for a brief rest and we drove into the city to meet up with my children at my daughter's house. The five of us went to dinner at a Korean Restaurant we have gone to each year since Darryl's death. We all said it would be totally weird to go there on any other day of the year.  We had a lovely night together and everyone was happy. My daughter, who has battled depression since her father's death was radiant and sounded just like her father.  Is it possible that I might really be on the cusp and on the way out of the vortex of grief that has so systematically stripped joy from my life? Is it possible that in 2010 I will fulfill many of my goals and actually enjoy the holiday season? Is it okay that I have survived to see all of this? Hope seems to have returned.