A friendly battle of the genders
The following is just the first part of a lively discussion on another forum, in another time.
MENS RULES
Note that they are all numbered "1" on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat and stop complaining. If men can learn to put it up then women can learn to put it down. It's not hi-tech. It was our mothers, women, who taught us to put it up. Consider the alternative if we hadn't learned.
1. Sunday is sports day. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work; strong hints do not work; obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Crying is blackmail. Use it only if you can afford the consequences.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want it solved. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. No, we really don't remember what we said last August 14 at 7:13 AM. Such comments have a half life of 7 days, MAX.
1. Whenever possible, say what you have to say during commercials.
1. If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls then don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Don't ask us if that dress makes you look fat.
1. If something we say can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know how to do it, do it yourself.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun pattern, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but I really don't mind; it's like camping.
*********************************
Followed quickly by my WOMEN'S EDICTS/RULES
[Oddly enough no one was offended, male or female.]
KDN suggested ****It's time for you to write up Women's Rules, if there are any.***
Yes, dear KDN, there are plenty of Women's rules.[KDN = Knuckle Dragging Neanderthal]
It's just that they constantly shift and change, appear and disappear, like Brigadoon, depending on just which man or KDN is involved.
The good thing about that--- is we never have to adhere to the same ole, same ole Rules, like KDN's do because they are limited in scope and ability.
Let the Games Begin
Dear KDN, Esq.
In keeping with the Global War Between the Sexes these "Rules" shall henceforth be designated as "Women's Edicts"; thereby establishing our might and superiority at the onset.This is a Zero-Sum eventLive with it!Edict # 1This Edict and all future Edicts can be edited or amended or dismissed at any time depending on the time of month, a bad hair day or just for the joy, glee and bliss of it.Live with it!
Edict # 2Do not try to discern a reason for any of these Edicts. They are here for a reason, but can change willy-nilly at a Woman's discretion.
Edict # 3Do not look for Victory. That is unattainable for Men OR KDNsIf Men THINK they have attained Victory, it is a figment of their imagination. Testosterone has been proven, in many double-blinded studies, to be responsible for Mens false perception of their superiority.
Something to do with the amygdala, I think, or some organ.
Edict # 4Women may, in their all-knowing way, seem to defer to Men. That is part of the battle plan, rather like a flanking maneuver and guarantees that Men will not score "anything".
Edict # 5Tomorrow's Edict # 5 may become Edict # 3.Live with it!
Now that the basic, but still unfinished, ground rules are uttered, I shall go on to publish some more specific Edicts.
Edict # 6“NO” is NOT a word, when uttered alone. Many years of observing KDNs have shown that they use the word “no” didactically, hoping to preclude any intelligent and bilateral discussion about a subject.
Interestingly, it is most often used when they are wrong about a subject. Perhaps a polarity between their brain and another organ?
Edict # 7KDNs shall never EVER come up behind a Woman who is standing at the stove, putting the final touches on a Sauce Béarnaise for a dinner party, hair perfectly in place, dressed to the nines and start “foolin’ around”.
If the KDN shall do that---he is not to be dismayed by a 6 inch stiletto heel jammed down on his toes.If he should have to go to the ER, then he shall ask a friend down at the local pool hall to drive him, NOT the Woman.
Edict # 7“YES” is also NOT a word, when uttered alone.
Men mistakenly believe that by seeming to agree with Women that said agreement will be forgotten in a day or so.
They’re basing that notion on faulty evidence; e.g. how short their (KDNs) attention span is, e.g. VERY short.
Men might do better by using more words after the word Yes.
1. Yes, you’re right dear. How silly of me to not realize that. 2. Yes, I’m glad you brought that up. I’ll try to remember it.3. Yes, I promise to always pick up after myself.
4. Yes, you may remind me if I forget that I agreed.
…..thereby reinforcing in their minds that they DID utter “Yes”.
Edict # 65
This Edict is issued at this point in order for Men to have sufficient time to study it since it’s an advanced topic. There will be a test later.
Acknowledging that Men have a problem with communication, this Edict will start with teaching Communication via Email and progress to Communication in Vivo.
First---Emails
1. Communication is not to be considered the same as a soliloquy or monologue. That applies to Email communication as well as In Vivo.
2. In the Cyber-World if a question is posed in Email #1 then it’s expected that the Reply Email will answer or at least acknowledge the question and “communicate” (hence the name of this course).
In the interest of KISS those two sub-sections will suffice for now.
In the Remedial Class (for KDNs) more time will be allowed. Even though Communication via Email involves just two numbers (Zero and One) this concept seems to prove difficult for KDNs.
MENS RULES
Note that they are all numbered "1" on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat and stop complaining. If men can learn to put it up then women can learn to put it down. It's not hi-tech. It was our mothers, women, who taught us to put it up. Consider the alternative if we hadn't learned.
1. Sunday is sports day. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work; strong hints do not work; obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Crying is blackmail. Use it only if you can afford the consequences.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want it solved. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. No, we really don't remember what we said last August 14 at 7:13 AM. Such comments have a half life of 7 days, MAX.
1. Whenever possible, say what you have to say during commercials.
1. If you won't dress like Victoria's Secret girls then don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Don't ask us if that dress makes you look fat.
1. If something we say can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know how to do it, do it yourself.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun pattern, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but I really don't mind; it's like camping.
*********************************
Followed quickly by my WOMEN'S EDICTS/RULES
[Oddly enough no one was offended, male or female.]
KDN suggested ****It's time for you to write up Women's Rules, if there are any.***
Yes, dear KDN, there are plenty of Women's rules.[KDN = Knuckle Dragging Neanderthal]
It's just that they constantly shift and change, appear and disappear, like Brigadoon, depending on just which man or KDN is involved.
The good thing about that--- is we never have to adhere to the same ole, same ole Rules, like KDN's do because they are limited in scope and ability.
Let the Games Begin
Dear KDN, Esq.
In keeping with the Global War Between the Sexes these "Rules" shall henceforth be designated as "Women's Edicts"; thereby establishing our might and superiority at the onset.This is a Zero-Sum eventLive with it!Edict # 1This Edict and all future Edicts can be edited or amended or dismissed at any time depending on the time of month, a bad hair day or just for the joy, glee and bliss of it.Live with it!
Edict # 2Do not try to discern a reason for any of these Edicts. They are here for a reason, but can change willy-nilly at a Woman's discretion.
Edict # 3Do not look for Victory. That is unattainable for Men OR KDNsIf Men THINK they have attained Victory, it is a figment of their imagination. Testosterone has been proven, in many double-blinded studies, to be responsible for Mens false perception of their superiority.
Something to do with the amygdala, I think, or some organ.
Edict # 4Women may, in their all-knowing way, seem to defer to Men. That is part of the battle plan, rather like a flanking maneuver and guarantees that Men will not score "anything".
Edict # 5Tomorrow's Edict # 5 may become Edict # 3.Live with it!
Now that the basic, but still unfinished, ground rules are uttered, I shall go on to publish some more specific Edicts.
Edict # 6“NO” is NOT a word, when uttered alone. Many years of observing KDNs have shown that they use the word “no” didactically, hoping to preclude any intelligent and bilateral discussion about a subject.
Interestingly, it is most often used when they are wrong about a subject. Perhaps a polarity between their brain and another organ?
Edict # 7KDNs shall never EVER come up behind a Woman who is standing at the stove, putting the final touches on a Sauce Béarnaise for a dinner party, hair perfectly in place, dressed to the nines and start “foolin’ around”.
If the KDN shall do that---he is not to be dismayed by a 6 inch stiletto heel jammed down on his toes.If he should have to go to the ER, then he shall ask a friend down at the local pool hall to drive him, NOT the Woman.
Edict # 7“YES” is also NOT a word, when uttered alone.
Men mistakenly believe that by seeming to agree with Women that said agreement will be forgotten in a day or so.
They’re basing that notion on faulty evidence; e.g. how short their (KDNs) attention span is, e.g. VERY short.
Men might do better by using more words after the word Yes.
1. Yes, you’re right dear. How silly of me to not realize that. 2. Yes, I’m glad you brought that up. I’ll try to remember it.3. Yes, I promise to always pick up after myself.
4. Yes, you may remind me if I forget that I agreed.
…..thereby reinforcing in their minds that they DID utter “Yes”.
Edict # 65
This Edict is issued at this point in order for Men to have sufficient time to study it since it’s an advanced topic. There will be a test later.
Acknowledging that Men have a problem with communication, this Edict will start with teaching Communication via Email and progress to Communication in Vivo.
First---Emails
1. Communication is not to be considered the same as a soliloquy or monologue. That applies to Email communication as well as In Vivo.
2. In the Cyber-World if a question is posed in Email #1 then it’s expected that the Reply Email will answer or at least acknowledge the question and “communicate” (hence the name of this course).
In the interest of KISS those two sub-sections will suffice for now.
In the Remedial Class (for KDNs) more time will be allowed. Even though Communication via Email involves just two numbers (Zero and One) this concept seems to prove difficult for KDNs.
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