A few more days have passed...

A few more days have gone by and going back to work today was a nightmare...I had to fight back tears and try to be emotionally present for the volunteers I manage...Is it ok to feel anger at everyone who appears to be happy? Part of me thinks, "How dare you?" and "Why can't I be happy?" Twenty years is a long time to know someone, to love someone and to think you truly understand someone for it all to just blow up in what feels like seconds...I imagine the pain I'm feeling to be just one, small step below the death of a loved one. It's breathtaking in the worst way imaginable. I don't sleep and I can hardly eat... I pray for the phone to ring or to see a text message...but then I'm terrified of what I might see or hear. And when the day comes to see him - I know it will be tense, awkward and soggy with deep sadness. Twice, in the span of just five weeks, I have been to this horrible low...How does the human spirit survive? In my mind are a thousand thoughts and a million "what ifs" - and I realize that there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the past...It's gut-wrenching. I pray for courage and for God to allow him to believe in second chances...