A fear of God?
Ok, before I begin, I have to explain that God to me is like a favorite Grandfather, loving, kind, guiding...
I truly believe that God wants me to see my future in a whole different light. Why? Because I can "see" His plan for me as it takes shape.... it's the reason I ended up divorced after 30 years of being with my "soulmate", why I didn't have to watch him die - because I would have been so devastated from it myself if I had, that I KNOW I would not be heading in the direction I am today. What I can "see" is that I would have thought it was all my fault, would have thought MY life was over as well, and in the ending of my marriage the year before, I was not only able to move through the grief more smoothly, but was also able to find myself in the process. And then there's CHURCH, where the sermons are as if they are PERFECTLY sent for me ("Broken" series at Countryside Church, Spearfish, South Dakota and it's online if you want to see it for yourself)....
And that being said.... I'm scared SH*TLESS, lol. I'm struggling to get past the feeling of doom... the feeling that failure is right around the corner. Why? Because the plan is getting BIGGER! And I'm SO NOT READY!
Here's what's been going on... I've been listening to Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, Master Class, and Lifeclass shows. I got Pastor Warren's book "A Purpose Driven Life" as a gift from a friend and found out what I wanted to do, what my purpose is... and after listening to Pastor Joel Osteen talking about his book "I Declare.." on Oprah's Lifeclass, I went out and got it the other day, and OMG.... I am SO struggling...
Why I'm struggling... because my whole life (except for the first 5 years of my marriage), has been filled with people who considered me or at least treated me as if I was unworthy. And because of that being said over and over and over since I was a child, it's inside DEEP. And I KNOW that's not true... I KNOW that the moments those things were said or behaviors were done were all because of issues THOSE people were going through and not because of me.... and yet, it's also the reason I became a pessimistic optimist? Or is it an optimistic pessimist. Whatever - I always hope for the best while preparing for the worst so that I'm never disappointed....
Pastor Osteen says in his book that you have to change that. Make a "shift" as it were, where instead of thinking along those lines, you instead think that you are blessed (which I do believe in, in that I'm SO grateful for all the gifts I've received in and for my life), and you think that you are worthy....
Oh yeah, definitely having trouble with that one.... so much so, in fact, that the stress and anxiety has been building because of it. I've been doubting (which he says not to do) and I've been so afraid to TRUST (yep, there's that word again) and I struggle to get beyond that though I can't pinpoint WHY I can't seem to get beyond that because my whole life has been FILLED with MIRACLES...
AND THEN, Yesterday....
I was reading Pastor Osteen's book again (trying to drill those hopes into my head)... and I got to the part where it mentions how God wants to make us prosper, "exceed our income"... and BAM, a miracle instantly happened... My business (where I'm still working) suddenly had a HUGE influx of people coming in for loans which means I'll be getting a bigger bonus next month. Business has been down for THREE years, and in ONE day, it went HUGE....
AND THEN.... I got word that a building that would be PERFECT to start my business in is not only for sale (too high priced), but is now available FOR RENT at HALF of what I was thinking I'd have to pay to do this AND it's already developed in EXACTLY the way I would need it so getting ready would have little cost....
INSERT PANIC ATTACK HERE! OMG, OMG, OMG!!!
I NEEDED a hike. In the Forest, to the Waterfalls.... Last night, I confirmed with my daughter-in-law the times I was needed to babysit today, then I drove up into Spearfish Canyon just as the sun began to rise this morning (we got up at 4:45 am to do it), and the dogs and I snowshoed up to the falls. I hiked it the fastest I ever have before, lol... but I needed that. Because, as I hiked up to them, I thought about my planning, calmed myself in that by preparing for everything like I always do, I'll be doing my best, and if God truly wants me in that building, it will be there waiting for me when I'm ready and I'm getting down-n-dirty with the details of that planning tomorrow...
And as I hiked back, I thought about what Pastor Osteen said about ASKING OUT LOUD for your purpose, the things you'll need... and so I did. Not for the building, not for the money, but for strength, courage, and prosperity that I'm going to need to see this begin... I'll ask for everything else later as I get more used to that "shift" and on that "TRUSTING"....
Moving forward.... LATER!
I truly believe that God wants me to see my future in a whole different light. Why? Because I can "see" His plan for me as it takes shape.... it's the reason I ended up divorced after 30 years of being with my "soulmate", why I didn't have to watch him die - because I would have been so devastated from it myself if I had, that I KNOW I would not be heading in the direction I am today. What I can "see" is that I would have thought it was all my fault, would have thought MY life was over as well, and in the ending of my marriage the year before, I was not only able to move through the grief more smoothly, but was also able to find myself in the process. And then there's CHURCH, where the sermons are as if they are PERFECTLY sent for me ("Broken" series at Countryside Church, Spearfish, South Dakota and it's online if you want to see it for yourself)....
And that being said.... I'm scared SH*TLESS, lol. I'm struggling to get past the feeling of doom... the feeling that failure is right around the corner. Why? Because the plan is getting BIGGER! And I'm SO NOT READY!
Here's what's been going on... I've been listening to Oprah's Super Soul Sunday, Master Class, and Lifeclass shows. I got Pastor Warren's book "A Purpose Driven Life" as a gift from a friend and found out what I wanted to do, what my purpose is... and after listening to Pastor Joel Osteen talking about his book "I Declare.." on Oprah's Lifeclass, I went out and got it the other day, and OMG.... I am SO struggling...
Why I'm struggling... because my whole life (except for the first 5 years of my marriage), has been filled with people who considered me or at least treated me as if I was unworthy. And because of that being said over and over and over since I was a child, it's inside DEEP. And I KNOW that's not true... I KNOW that the moments those things were said or behaviors were done were all because of issues THOSE people were going through and not because of me.... and yet, it's also the reason I became a pessimistic optimist? Or is it an optimistic pessimist. Whatever - I always hope for the best while preparing for the worst so that I'm never disappointed....
Pastor Osteen says in his book that you have to change that. Make a "shift" as it were, where instead of thinking along those lines, you instead think that you are blessed (which I do believe in, in that I'm SO grateful for all the gifts I've received in and for my life), and you think that you are worthy....
Oh yeah, definitely having trouble with that one.... so much so, in fact, that the stress and anxiety has been building because of it. I've been doubting (which he says not to do) and I've been so afraid to TRUST (yep, there's that word again) and I struggle to get beyond that though I can't pinpoint WHY I can't seem to get beyond that because my whole life has been FILLED with MIRACLES...
AND THEN, Yesterday....
I was reading Pastor Osteen's book again (trying to drill those hopes into my head)... and I got to the part where it mentions how God wants to make us prosper, "exceed our income"... and BAM, a miracle instantly happened... My business (where I'm still working) suddenly had a HUGE influx of people coming in for loans which means I'll be getting a bigger bonus next month. Business has been down for THREE years, and in ONE day, it went HUGE....
AND THEN.... I got word that a building that would be PERFECT to start my business in is not only for sale (too high priced), but is now available FOR RENT at HALF of what I was thinking I'd have to pay to do this AND it's already developed in EXACTLY the way I would need it so getting ready would have little cost....
INSERT PANIC ATTACK HERE! OMG, OMG, OMG!!!
I NEEDED a hike. In the Forest, to the Waterfalls.... Last night, I confirmed with my daughter-in-law the times I was needed to babysit today, then I drove up into Spearfish Canyon just as the sun began to rise this morning (we got up at 4:45 am to do it), and the dogs and I snowshoed up to the falls. I hiked it the fastest I ever have before, lol... but I needed that. Because, as I hiked up to them, I thought about my planning, calmed myself in that by preparing for everything like I always do, I'll be doing my best, and if God truly wants me in that building, it will be there waiting for me when I'm ready and I'm getting down-n-dirty with the details of that planning tomorrow...
And as I hiked back, I thought about what Pastor Osteen said about ASKING OUT LOUD for your purpose, the things you'll need... and so I did. Not for the building, not for the money, but for strength, courage, and prosperity that I'm going to need to see this begin... I'll ask for everything else later as I get more used to that "shift" and on that "TRUSTING"....
Moving forward.... LATER!
Replies
And God speaks...
Post on Joel Osteen Ministries site as I typed the above:
\"If the things we fear can come upon us, how much more can the things we have faith for come upon us? Gods power is so much greater than the enemys power.\"
And from 8 hours ago...\"Your life is worth fighting for. Dig your heels in and say, I am in it to win. I know God didnt bring me this far to leave me here.
I don\'t think that \"TRUST ME\" can get any louder than that, do you?
WOW...that is an amazing journal entry!!! You really have been doing some personal work and I am happy for you. Not to say that it isnt hard or it isnt scary...it is. But you are doing it anyway. This is what life is all about. It seems to me that when we are on the right path, that things just start to happen...thats what seems to be happening for you. The building is truly a miracle and I beleive a sign from God to move forward with your plans. This is what you were made for! Go for it!
On a side note...I just want to apolgize for being so unavailible latley. Its not that I want to be, its just that things got pretty bad for awhile and Ive had to start packing up my home to move. Not that this is an excuse but I am crazy busy. I just want you to know how important it is to me that you write on my journal and always seem to be there for me. I really appreciate it and love you for sticking with me even when I am not doing well.
Best of wishes to you, with love, Sandy