a drop in the bucket

So... ...I have now done everything I'm going to be able to do for them this week.  I've just had a nap, back at my friend's house where I've been staying.  Didn't get to everything on Mom's wish list, but was able to make a little difference. Today one of my cousins was in town for a family reunion (on the side of his family that I'm not related to) - he brought his wife and 5-month-old baby daughter to visit.  My Mom is such a Mom - babies never fail to make her face light up.  This one, was of course, absolutely adorable.  And has the adults totally wrapped around her little finger! My sister Janie lives in a supervised apartment in a town 35 miles to the west of the folks.  Because the area is rather rural my parents and Janie have various doctors in both towns, so there is some back and forth between the two.  As it worked out, Janie had an appointment with the family doctor in my parents' town, so I agreed to be her ride (instead of the transportation company that usually ferries her back and forth). We left early so she would have time to see the baby - which thrilled her no end - Janie's already planning the colors for an afghan to crochet for her! Dr. W also treats my parents, has known them for years.  When Janie signed in I asked the receptionist if I could speak with the doc about Dad.  For those of you who are not regular readers of this space, Dad fell three times the week before I came here, two of those times he was too weak to get back up.  Mom is so disabled that all she could do was throw him a pillow while she called 911. I asked Dr. W if there was any particular reason for Dad's weakness.  I've also noticed on this visit that he is MUCH more passive than I have ever seen him before, and he seems deafer.  Dr. W. says that there is nothing specific that he could find - what it all seems to boil down to Dad is 88.  He pretty much has no reflexes left, so he can't catch himself when he falls.  The doc thinks he sees early signs of senility and says that he has serious concerns about Dad's safety.  "His next fall could very well be his last." Or not - so much depends on chance.  The risk is that he could fall and bang his head on something that would do him damage. Mom has been fragile all her life, but she has a bit more vigor to her right now.  The risk for her is that her next fall, if it doesn't kill her, could render her quadriplegic because of a bone spur she has in her neck.  I asked Dr. W. if he thought Mom's judgment was sound.  "In the sense that she is aware her choices come with consequences, yes, although I don't agree with all of her decisions." In other words, their current living situation is not the safest one for them to be in without assistance.  "Even if they were to move to a one-level home and had assistance," continues Dr. W., "I can't repeal the laws of gravity."  By which he meant, I think, that putting them in a safer environment can only reduce, not remove, the risk they are in. So...    ...I dont' have children of my own, so I'll never know firsthand, but I wonder if this is a little bit what it is like for them to watch us grow up.  They want us to be happy, to be safe, to have fulfilling and productive lives. I want them to be safe, and I want them to be happy.  I don't know how to help them have both.  They are going to make their own choices about how they are going to get by, and I worry they are going to make dangerous and unsafe choices.  I worry about the use of their car (which has already been in at least three accidents that I know about) and whether someone else will be hurt.  And yet I don't know what I can do, other than to help as I can, and watch.  As painful as that is.  + Moving: with what energy? + Getting help in the home: they refuse to fill out any form that requires financial disclosure.  Consequently the agencies that use the info to determine their eligibility cannot assist. + Getting help in the home 2: Mom refuses to let anyone (but me) to see or know about the mess.   She's embarrased by it, fears she'll be judged.  Also fears that her values about the stuff won't be respected.  Won't even allow my aunt (Dad's sister) to come into the house any farther than the living room. I can't help but wonder if this is the last time I see them both alive.  I wish I knew what to do about the 550-mile distance.  (oh lordy, when I was 18 I couldn't get away fast enough.  Now... except that I know for a fact I would just about lose my mind if I had to move back to their part of the country). That's pretty much what's on my mind today.