A difficult time :((((((
I am having a very difficult time living here. I can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with this secret anymore. I can't keep it to myself anymore. I dont know what to do. I wanna scream at my sister for what she did to me so bad. But i know thats not going to solve anything. She acts like shes not effected by it at all. Maybe she doesnt even remember it. But i DO. And i cant deal with it anymore. I am so scared that its going to slip out because it almost did tonight.
I cant concentrate when i hear her voice. My mouth goes dry, I cant swallow, i get dizzy and kind of nauseous and its terrible. I dont know what to do anymore. I cant live with this anymore. Its to much for me to handle. I really hate her. I hate that she got all the attention from my mom and still does. I hate how she got away with everything when we were kids and i never did. I hate how she ALWAYS gets her own way about every little thing and i never did. I hate her. I she was never nice to me when we were going up and she is not nice to me now. I still remember about a month ago when she told me to KILL MYSELF!!! She said to me, " why dont you just go kill yourself.." and i was actually having suicidal thoughts at that time too when she said that to me. And she KNEW i was. She KNEW i was suicidal and said that she said it out of anger which i dont believe is true. I dont believe that for a minuet that it was said out of anger. She has always been jealous of me and hated me ever sense the day i was BORN. My mom told me she slapped me when i was a day old. So i really think she meant it went she said why dont you just go kill yourself.
I cant stand it anymore. I hear that in my head when i get really anxious when she comes out of her room. As soon as she does my heart speeds up, my mouth goes dry and i get really angry. Its horrible, and i dont know what to do when i get like that. And then she talks...and i tell her to please not talk. When she talks she triggers me, and its not fun.
I had a panic attack before because she was talking really loudly and now i feel extremely dizzy. it feels like the room is moving when i move and its terrible and my ears are very sensitive to loud noises right now. It sucks. And she talks REALLY loud and goes on and on and on. I hate it so much because she wont shut up, and i just keep getting triggered and triggered and triggered, and i dont know how to deal with it. Because if i tell her to be quiet she yells and it scares me. She scares me. She's come at me before lately and its absolutely terrifying. I hate it when it happens.
Im not sure what to do right now, because there is nothing i can do at this moment but sit here extremely dizzy, sensitive to sounds, and with a dry mouth. It sucks. IM hurting a lot. I dont know how i am ever going to heal from this PTSD if i have to live with her any longer. Im only going to be stuck in my past. She's one of the biggest reasons why i have this PTSD. Its sad but true. And nobody even has a clue what she put me through.
I cant concentrate when i hear her voice. My mouth goes dry, I cant swallow, i get dizzy and kind of nauseous and its terrible. I dont know what to do anymore. I cant live with this anymore. Its to much for me to handle. I really hate her. I hate that she got all the attention from my mom and still does. I hate how she got away with everything when we were kids and i never did. I hate how she ALWAYS gets her own way about every little thing and i never did. I hate her. I she was never nice to me when we were going up and she is not nice to me now. I still remember about a month ago when she told me to KILL MYSELF!!! She said to me, " why dont you just go kill yourself.." and i was actually having suicidal thoughts at that time too when she said that to me. And she KNEW i was. She KNEW i was suicidal and said that she said it out of anger which i dont believe is true. I dont believe that for a minuet that it was said out of anger. She has always been jealous of me and hated me ever sense the day i was BORN. My mom told me she slapped me when i was a day old. So i really think she meant it went she said why dont you just go kill yourself.
I cant stand it anymore. I hear that in my head when i get really anxious when she comes out of her room. As soon as she does my heart speeds up, my mouth goes dry and i get really angry. Its horrible, and i dont know what to do when i get like that. And then she talks...and i tell her to please not talk. When she talks she triggers me, and its not fun.
I had a panic attack before because she was talking really loudly and now i feel extremely dizzy. it feels like the room is moving when i move and its terrible and my ears are very sensitive to loud noises right now. It sucks. And she talks REALLY loud and goes on and on and on. I hate it so much because she wont shut up, and i just keep getting triggered and triggered and triggered, and i dont know how to deal with it. Because if i tell her to be quiet she yells and it scares me. She scares me. She's come at me before lately and its absolutely terrifying. I hate it when it happens.
Im not sure what to do right now, because there is nothing i can do at this moment but sit here extremely dizzy, sensitive to sounds, and with a dry mouth. It sucks. IM hurting a lot. I dont know how i am ever going to heal from this PTSD if i have to live with her any longer. Im only going to be stuck in my past. She's one of the biggest reasons why i have this PTSD. Its sad but true. And nobody even has a clue what she put me through.
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