A different person
I feel like I am a different person. Well I guess in a huge way I am. Im a mommy now but only a mommy to an angel. Before my son Max I had my entire life planned out. Well as much of it as a i can. If its not on the calender Its not happening. My son was not planned. Nor was he an accident. No baby is "an accident" He was my miricle. I had planned over the summer to work thru the winter and save up to move back to Oklahoma this next fall. I planned on going back to school and further my education and make something of myself. I had vacations planned. Work planned. Everything you can think of right down to that weeks dinners planned. When I found out I was pregnant I was in shock. This was not planned for me. What was I going to do. So to make my brain understand I did the only thing I know how..I planned. I planned on when each appoint would be. Funny but every appoint happened to fall on a wednesday now that I think of it... Wow Im definitly a diff breed now that I look back on it. I planned what month I would have the baby shower and what month plans would begin for it. I planned on moving to st loius to be near my mother to help with the baby. I still planned on goin back to school just had to adjust the timing around my babys birth. I planned on being a single mother and raising my child the best that I can. I planned on being a mother. Xmas of 2010 I went to my aunts. I had asked her about babysiting during work hours and what days she would be available. She started to laugh at me. she said"your son is not due for 4 more months and your all ready planning out his daily schedule"Well I told her that its best to take care of this now rather than the last minute. She laughed again and said" I know he wasnt planned and I have no idea how you adjusted to finding out you were pregnant without a mental breakdown"I just smiled. Sometimes ya gota do what ya gota do. Not only am I a planner I am a bit of a germ freak. Dont like um at all. Not as bad a a useto be but to some Im still pretty bad about germs. Hand sanitizer is my BFF. Id freak out at the thought of someone touching my pillow or at hotels would take my own blankets and pillows cause ya just never know. If I hadnt showered yet that day I wouldnt even open my front door to visiter ashamed that I mite smell or something. lol..wow I really am weird. That was a glimps of me before my son Max.
Now..... Its like a peice of who I was died with him. Its like I dont care anymore.Maybe I do but I dont wanna let myself know that I do. Its like I have to force myself thru each day and what others think of me isnt as important as I thought it once was. A few days after my sons death a friend came over with a bottle of wine and asked if I would have a drink with her and just visit. She was concerened cause I hadnt really left my house in a few days. Without even thinking I opened the door to her and welcomed her in. SHe knows that Im a clean freak and just stood there at my door a min before walking in. first thing out of her mouth was "wow". I asked why she said that. She looked around and said" this actualy looks like a home now.its nice to see a few dishes in ur sink and a few crumbs on the floor"I wasnt even embarrassed. for the first time I just didnt care. My hair was a mess, I was in PJs, hadnt vacuumed, dishes in the sink, Tp off the roll cause i just wasnt motivated to change it, unfolded laundry in the basket just sitting there. I dont know why I am thinking of all of this now rather than at the time. I guess it didnt seem so important to me anymore. Last nite I found myself having to force myself to shower. I always loved my showers. I loved the feeling of being clean. I would always talk to Max in the shower and rub my belly telling him i loved my nice clean baby. Now its like showing is a burden but needs to be done. I dont care if I stink but Im sure those who come around me do so I force myself to shower now. MY house is still a mess, Im still a mess. Germs are the least of my worries now.I was on the phone with my mom last nite and she asked me what my plans were for the future now?.. For the first time I didnt have a answer. I told her I didnt have any rite now. She said that I need to move on and its life and get my life back in order. My first thought" what a fucking bitch"...how dare she just tell me to "move on its life get over it" she is not the one that just over a week ago held her dead son in her arms. she is not the one who carried him inside of her all of those months. How dare she tell me not to mourn my son and just move on with my life...who the hell did she think she was? my reponse to her was "I dont have to move on. He was my SON and I lost everything when I lost him. Im done planning out every part of my life. I had planned the next two yrs of my life before I found out I was pregnant. Then I changed all of those plans and planned on being a mother. And now he is gone and I cant get him back. Im done planing out my life cause guess what..plans change and there is nothing we can do about it. Im sick and tired of planning on something just to have it change in a instant. Im taking things day by day from now on and I dont give a shit if thats not you want. Its what I NEED. "..well needless to say she wasnt very happy with me but she is the type that feels the need to get in the last word. "well I guess I cant tell you anything cause you never listen and are just goin to do what you want but you have to move on"..I said goodbye and hung up on her.I plan on writing her an email so I can get out what I need to say without her interupting, but Im goin to tell her that all she does is make things worse for me rite now and I think its best we dont talk for awhile if this is how she is goin to be. I know its goin to make her mad but frankly I dont care anymore. Im sorry that I cant just flip off a switch and make it all go way like she can. Im sorry that I miss my son so much that I cant make it thru a day without holding his picture and cry for my baby. Im sorry that Im not the person I was before him. Actualy Im a better person to me me now. Im in a living hell and all if the things I always thought were the most important things in life now seem so small compared to what Im goin thru now. I miss my Max more than words can express. He was my everything and im sorry for her but I will never just "move on and forget about it" and I will never be the same person again.
Now..... Its like a peice of who I was died with him. Its like I dont care anymore.Maybe I do but I dont wanna let myself know that I do. Its like I have to force myself thru each day and what others think of me isnt as important as I thought it once was. A few days after my sons death a friend came over with a bottle of wine and asked if I would have a drink with her and just visit. She was concerened cause I hadnt really left my house in a few days. Without even thinking I opened the door to her and welcomed her in. SHe knows that Im a clean freak and just stood there at my door a min before walking in. first thing out of her mouth was "wow". I asked why she said that. She looked around and said" this actualy looks like a home now.its nice to see a few dishes in ur sink and a few crumbs on the floor"I wasnt even embarrassed. for the first time I just didnt care. My hair was a mess, I was in PJs, hadnt vacuumed, dishes in the sink, Tp off the roll cause i just wasnt motivated to change it, unfolded laundry in the basket just sitting there. I dont know why I am thinking of all of this now rather than at the time. I guess it didnt seem so important to me anymore. Last nite I found myself having to force myself to shower. I always loved my showers. I loved the feeling of being clean. I would always talk to Max in the shower and rub my belly telling him i loved my nice clean baby. Now its like showing is a burden but needs to be done. I dont care if I stink but Im sure those who come around me do so I force myself to shower now. MY house is still a mess, Im still a mess. Germs are the least of my worries now.I was on the phone with my mom last nite and she asked me what my plans were for the future now?.. For the first time I didnt have a answer. I told her I didnt have any rite now. She said that I need to move on and its life and get my life back in order. My first thought" what a fucking bitch"...how dare she just tell me to "move on its life get over it" she is not the one that just over a week ago held her dead son in her arms. she is not the one who carried him inside of her all of those months. How dare she tell me not to mourn my son and just move on with my life...who the hell did she think she was? my reponse to her was "I dont have to move on. He was my SON and I lost everything when I lost him. Im done planning out every part of my life. I had planned the next two yrs of my life before I found out I was pregnant. Then I changed all of those plans and planned on being a mother. And now he is gone and I cant get him back. Im done planing out my life cause guess what..plans change and there is nothing we can do about it. Im sick and tired of planning on something just to have it change in a instant. Im taking things day by day from now on and I dont give a shit if thats not you want. Its what I NEED. "..well needless to say she wasnt very happy with me but she is the type that feels the need to get in the last word. "well I guess I cant tell you anything cause you never listen and are just goin to do what you want but you have to move on"..I said goodbye and hung up on her.I plan on writing her an email so I can get out what I need to say without her interupting, but Im goin to tell her that all she does is make things worse for me rite now and I think its best we dont talk for awhile if this is how she is goin to be. I know its goin to make her mad but frankly I dont care anymore. Im sorry that I cant just flip off a switch and make it all go way like she can. Im sorry that I miss my son so much that I cant make it thru a day without holding his picture and cry for my baby. Im sorry that Im not the person I was before him. Actualy Im a better person to me me now. Im in a living hell and all if the things I always thought were the most important things in life now seem so small compared to what Im goin thru now. I miss my Max more than words can express. He was my everything and im sorry for her but I will never just "move on and forget about it" and I will never be the same person again.
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