A different look

9 months 3 days ago yesterday my life was forever changed by an unfortunate event that no one should ever have to face. I awoke to the one of the loves of my life had passed away in his sleep. I believe we were blessed for the time we had with him. I am angered that my sons life was gone to soon and to this day we still don't know what happened to him. I'm starting to believe the quote unquote professionals don't know either. I am saddened to think there aren't answers to my sons death. It s unfair that his life was so very short. On the other side of things Even tho my world had crashed that day, I am continuing to pick up the pieces and slowly not forget but move forward with my different life. I don't take a single day for granted with my oldest son who will turn 3 this coming month and this unborn baby and my husband. I had a doctors apps yesterday. We did an ultrasound there my new baby boy was. I am scared of losing him to. Yet, he is measuring wonderfully and has gained about a pound in the last 2 weeks, now weighing in around 3 pds.  So gorgeous and i took a step back and wondered in amazement that this was happening again almost everything just how it was a year ago, had a brief moment of calm. Just as it was exactly a yr ago. No worries just for a moment, that desperate need to be able to breathe. Then I get scared that this will end badly as it did before. Will I ever be able not be on edge so much. Some days I am able to smile and take a deep breath. Try to enjoy the moments that expectant parents have (those that have never lost a child) Like with my first baby. But a lot of other days I stress and grieve the loss of my baby boy all the moments I have lost with him and never be able to have again and the inevitable possibility that something could go horribly wrong again this time. Then oh god I don't want to think that way. But how can I not think other with all that has happened. Everything was so wonderful before with my last pregnancies and the worry just wasn't there. One ended in tragedy my son was born, lived, died, and buried all before We even reached his due date, even before he was a week old. He was not considered premature for being born at 38 weeks an 8 pd 4 oz almost 22 in long baby, we even had a few days at home plus a checkup visit. We all thought he was healthy. I will not ever stop missing him or stop looking for answers to his death. Others tell me how beautiful he was and that is true without  a doubt. We may not ever know all the answers but I am grateful that I had him in my life however. short it was. I will always miss him.  I cant explain how different this is or really how I truly feel about this pregnancy, I just want a healthy live beautiful baby in the end. Know my little Wyatt is somehow with us all. My living children to grow, just be happy and healthy. I have so much to be thankful for, yet there is still a big hole in my heart.