A continuous struggle...
My inspiration to continue on everyday is very fluid. There are some moments I have it and some I don't. For that reason I've kept my 'red' face on (Horrible)...I feel that I struggle to at least ride the fence of neutrality - even numbness would be better. Depression is a very powerful magnet and I am made of metal fragments. Everytime I get to this imaginary fence to escape, I am pulled back by this powerful magnetic force...
My spouse says that if I truly wanted to off myself, I would've done so by now; she sees me trying but she also sees me 'sabotaging' my efforts by drinking, rambling suicidally, and lashing out my anger/frustration/bitterness. Her comment is viewed by me as a challenge; a dare. I think the next 'low' I face I may use those words as incentive to follow thru - as if to delibrately prove her wrong...
My spouse says that if I truly wanted to off myself, I would've done so by now; she sees me trying but she also sees me 'sabotaging' my efforts by drinking, rambling suicidally, and lashing out my anger/frustration/bitterness. Her comment is viewed by me as a challenge; a dare. I think the next 'low' I face I may use those words as incentive to follow thru - as if to delibrately prove her wrong...
Replies
Your spouse is sadly not a support system for you right and I am truly sorry for that Mal. I am...it must be very hard. With that said, who exactly is going to \"win\" this dare? I think you know the answer to this one. I am on your side...always will be and surely others here are as well. No doubt so is your son. We find strength where we can and in doing so try not to let others in our life who don\'t really get what we are going through minimize our feelings by buying into their uneducated comments and theories.
Keep pushing forward. Keep reaching out. Many of us get it.
*right now...
I had to actually think about your question - \'who would \'win\'...we\'ve both hurt each other. I look at it as inflicting the final hurt; sort of like getting \'the last word in\', so to speak. That\'s very irrational, I know but this disease is such a monster for me right now it doesn\'t seem to even matter...
Irrational is a good way of looking at it and at least you see it. Having the \"last word has led to many a fools demise.\" Weaving through the depression and finding what matters is so hard. I keep going back to your son. How could you not as well? His heart is a tender, open, loving piece of your life. How are you going to contribute to that, or not? I believe in you Mal. I do. I have seen the dark days that you are experiencing now. I get the sense of hopelessness, especially if you are drinking along with the underlying depression.
Drinking fucks everything up. It can make it so much more horrible. I have been in my own self induced alchoholic psychosis more than once. Not sure if it\'s got that bad for you - but I will say - there is no reasoning there. You can\'t think straight. You can be reasonable. At all.
Until you get a grip...try to abstain from drinking. It\'s not going to help. I am proud of you for thinking through your thoughts...it\'s hard at times. Keep doing it. Life is funny...it reveals itself to us when we least expect it.