A continuous struggle...

My inspiration to continue on everyday is very fluid.  There are some moments I have it and some I don't.  For that reason I've kept my 'red' face on (Horrible)...I feel that I struggle to at least ride the fence of neutrality - even numbness would be better.  Depression is a very powerful magnet and I am made of metal fragments.  Everytime I get to this imaginary fence  to escape, I am pulled back by this powerful magnetic force...
My spouse says that if I truly wanted to off myself, I would've done so by now; she sees me trying but she also sees me 'sabotaging' my efforts by drinking, rambling suicidally, and lashing out my anger/frustration/bitterness.  Her comment is viewed by me as a challenge; a dare.  I think the next 'low' I face I may use those words as incentive to follow thru - as if to delibrately prove her wrong...