A Christmas message from my son
I have been feeling very sad lately because it's holiday time and because my dearest friend just passed away very suddenly from painful bone cancer. Sandi was my "listening" friend to whom I could say anything and she would just listen. She would NOT let me stay in my pity party for too long always "loving me" back to the world of the living. I will miss her terribly. Today began like many others...I was reading the newspaper while having my coffee. My dogs were surrounding me and I was trying to focus on my blessings as opposed to the opposite. My horoscope in the paper said I'd get a communication from far away... I was upstairs gathering materials (photos, cards, t-shirts) for making Max's memory quilt and I went into the bottom drawer of a little-used dresser. There, I found a letter to me with no date on it from Max. Here is what the letter says:"Dear Mom,Merry Christmas! Nothing for me is getter than the three days between our party and Christmas day. Just being with the family and our friends is something that I now recognize as special. I feel like a lot has happened these last two years, lots of highs and of course lots of lows. Things have changed for everybody, the move, new shcools, new friends, but in my mind, for the most part things have been going OK. I mean we all have our health, you and Dad both have your jobs, I'm still in school and out of any legal probles, and Alex i(Max's sister) is, well Alex! What I mean by this Mom is that I really feel like things are going to work out for me in life. I feel like I know myself well enough now that I can see when I'm getting in trouble and for the most part I've been able to pull out of it. I get angry and I say many things but you should know I love all of your very much like I know you will always love me. It's also clear that we disagree on lots of things and I just hope that that will never come between the love we all share. Well, can't wait for the party. Merry, merry and a happy New Year! Lots of Love, Max" Well, I burst into hysterics and was shaking like a leaf. I remember when I received the letter several years ago but had not thought of it since. What strikes me is that my husband and I have been really struggling with the thought of Christmas. Our family, like many, used to love this holiday and its many traditions. It was all about family. Which is probably why we are not up to celebrating it yet. This will be our second Christmas since Max died. Our daughter Alex returns home from college next week and she does not understand how we can feel the way we do - especially since Max loved Christmas so much. And then I find this letter from Max just at this time when the holiday is approaching and I wonder what I am supposed to do? Should I ignore my feelings of wanting to avoid the holiday? Should I pretend to feel what I am not feeling? WHY in God's name would I come upon this letter NOW? Is it a reminder from Max to get on with my life? I am so lost. So sad. I don't know what to do.
Replies
You have to do what feels right for you. In our house like yours Christmas was such a festive time. I felt I needed to continue the legacy of joy, for my other three children {2 in college and one in HS} I think the triggers are more and in our faces. It hurts are hearts and re-opens the scabbed wounds in our hearts. What your son said was that he loved being with his family at Christmas and that he realized how special that was, he loved your traditions and celebration. Do you think Alex misses it? I had to find some Joy, something I could make , since I can not change my reality and bring back Chris. I can try and do the things he enjoyed. For him and for us. I am sending you a hug and a gentle kiss for finding that special gift from your son ... when you needed it most. I am also so sorry for the lost of your dear friend. I know how important that is. Wendy
I am sorry to hear that your friend passed, so many souls leave us behind.
It is amazing that you wrote this journal. I came across a card Chris had written to me a while back, and I have wanted to post something about it, and now I feel like I can.
All we can do is move toward accepting our loss. Along the path there is such pain, such profound sadness. But, we are here for now and there is life to live and love to give. Soon enough, we too will leave this body. This we know to be a truth we cannot escape. I am hugging you with my heart and hoping that family and the spirit of the season can bring you some peace.
love and light, Rebecca
First let me say how very sorry I am about your dear friend. Such a tragic loss. What a dear and special person she was on this earth. I\'m sure you will be sensing her presence often.
I\'m blown away by your journal! I\'d say you certainly got a message from far away. (Though they aren\'t really that far away I think.) I don\'t think you should force yourself to do anything, or to deny what you\'re feeling. But I do think you should carefully consider the possibility that Max wants a celebration, and he\'s telling you that it\'s OK to celebrate. This is my 3rd Christmas, and I was not able to put up the traditional tree again this year. But I did make progress and I am pleased with what I did. You will find your way through the holiday and whatever you are capable of will be pleasing to Max. Hugs and love, Teri.
You are in my heart and thoughts.. love to you my dear friend..
It is so hard to know what to do. I always say do what feels right to you at the moment. Everybody has opinions on what we should do and I say...just do what feels right to you.
I love the fact that Max is reaching out to you. Hugs, Inga
I am so very sorry you lost your dear friend. Such sadness you must feel.
I think it\'s a sign that you found that long lost letter. I think Max is giving you a message. He wouldn\'t want your Christmas traditions to fade away. I know it\'s hard to find the \"joy\", but I will not allow my son and daughter here with me to have sad Christmas\'s for the rest of their lives. They deserve happy times too. I hate that our lives have changed and that we don\'t have Nic with us, but I won\'t allow the sadness to overtake us, and Nic would be really mad at me if I did. So, with that, you have to do what feels right. I know part of it is that we feel guilty for going on without one of our children. Somehow we have to get past that. It\'s hard, but I hope you can try this year, for Alex. She deserves to have her mom too. Sending you hugs, and praying you find peace today. Love, Julia