A Cheater's Memoire

Hello wonderful Daily-Strength family!
 
I write to you today as someone who constantly deals with the pressures of infidelity. The pressure that comes from within oneself after they become addicted. Ashamedly, I am a serial cheater. I have repeated this destructive and hurtful behavior over and over again. As you would expect, I keep this as secretive as possible... There is not much love in the world for a self-proclaimed cheater.
 
I wasn't always this way... There was a time when I dreamt of monogamy and a loyal relationship. But then I was broken. Yes, a lovely cheater broke me and aided me into turning into what they had become.
 
I had my first "real" boyfriend my sophomore year of high school. "Real" in the sense that I fell for him completely. He was extremely attractive, a gifted athlete, intelligent and passionate about his beliefs, and one of my very close friends. Of course, he was older, which fastened the wool well beneath my eyes.
I should have known by the way our relationship began that it was headed for disaster. He had a girlfriend, and our close friendship started to develop into something more during that time. I began to fall in love with him, knowing he was unavailable.
He finally "broke it off" with said girlfriend. I learned later that he was unfaithful in his relationship to her. We began seeing each other and it was, by far, the best time of my young life.
He was incredibly romantic for someone so young. He came over to make me breakfast before school, respected all my young boundaries, pampered me, it was wonderful. I was completely infatuated and so very happy.
Until the day I found out he had cheated on me. I learned the he had physically cheated on me with my friend's girlfriend. The friend found out and told me and we commiserated together. I then informed my boyfriend that I was well aware of his "secret" betrayal, and ended our relationship immediately.
 
Fast forward to my next relationship, a year later. I was dating someone that I had been friends with for a long time, but did not have any deep feelings for. He was kind of cute, I guess. Very superficial "I need a boyfriend" high-school type stuff. Before this time period, I kept in contact with my ex. We had a few "flings" but never anything physical other than kissing. Anytime I got to spend with him was still the highlight of my month. I started dating my new boyfriend, "J", and avoided hanging out with the ex.
I ended up losing my virginity to J, and became stuck in a relationship I knew from the beginning was a dead end. We had different goals in life, different beliefs of the world. I had never had to "break up" with anyone before. My ex basically did that for me when he cheated. I felt trapped in a relationship that I had no desire to be in. I couldn't leave, it was too hard. I didn't want to "break J's heart."
During my relationship with J, I became acquainted with "G." G was a fun-loving boy from another school. He was a very "good boy" and carefree. He had the best personality and we hit it off immediately. He become my very best friend. I would do anything for him.
As it goes, after a few months of emotional intimacy with G, I started to develop actual feelings for him. Not the feelings I was currently faking with J. Being around G was difficult. Everything was challenging as the attraction I had for him consumed me. If we accidentally touched, a shock went through my body. The feeling I had was incredible. This, coupled with the hurt that I had experienced from my cheating ex, led my into my first cheating experience.
 
What an epic fail. I cheated with G, my absolute best friend, and told J. He was devastated, naturally. He wanted to work it out, I pretended I did because leaving would be "too mean" (what kind of logic was this?). So we continued to date and I continued to sneak behind his back with G. At this same time, my cheating ex decided to rear his ugly head. I ended up sleeping with him all while this mess between G & J was going on. The students at my school had some choice nicknames for me.
Needless to say, things between J and I ended (FINALLY), and I went on to get back with my cheating ex, completely crushing my best friend G. When you fall for someone that hard, that fast, the pull is incredible. To this day, if he called, I know I would go. My ex had me wrapped around his finger, completely addicted. He ended it between us after a short time, when the thrill of the rekindled flame died out.
 
G went onto date someone else by the time I realized that I wanted to be with him. My actions had destroyed our friendship. We texted occasionally. I was heartbroken and miserable. I missed G more than anything.
 
Time passed and I had several other experiences in which my loyalty faltered. One very memorable experience happened the night of my senior homecoming. I went with a friend whom I had been "talking to" for a couple months. We had a good time, and he drove me to a party that night. I had plans to stay at his house after we were done at the party, but I never made it there. I got completely drunk and made out with another guy. As if that wasn't bad enough, I ended up screwing around with another, different (yeah, this happened), guy in the bathroom of the party later that night. Homecoming date thoughtfully dropped my bag at the door of the house before he left me at the party. The walk of shame is a real thing, my friends.
 
After I got some more wild out of my system, G and I reunited. I was elated. I finally had my best friend back and I got to experience him as a lover as well. We continued to date for the rest of high school and into college. During college we conceived a child, our daughter "M". G started making poor choices and choosing bad paths during this time. He dropped out of college, lost his job, picked up a gambling addiction, it was rough. We stayed together through most of the pregnancy and 7 months after our daughter was born. I came to a point where I could no longer take the poor behavior and I did what I could never do before, I ended the relationship.
 
A few months later I began dating someone "C". I had committed myself to practicing chastity during my pregnancy, so it had been awhile. C and I fell for one another hard and fast. He was successful, smart, achieving his goals. He was succeeding at everything G was failing at. I was incredibly attracted to him for this reason. We ended up sleeping together, which completely ruined everything. It was not a good experience.
We only dated 3 months before this happened. I went out with my girlfriends and ended up cheating on him with a man I met that night. By this time, I knew exactly what to say to express my "regret" and "guilt" (didn't have either of those) to manipulate C to stay in a relationship. He rolled over and completely accepted my lame apology, hardly even phased that I had cheated. That turned me off even more, and I ended up sleeping with G before breaking it off with C with a cliché text message.
 
Currently, I am back with G. We have had our ups and downs through our self-inflicted nightmares, but we are making it work. We are happy and have plans of getting engaged soon. I have always been loyal to G.
With that said, I am a habitual cheater. A repeat offender. There is something about the thrill of fooling around with someone you shouldn't be with. The temptation of the forbidden is a struggle for me. Every day I deal with these desires and emotions. I do truly love my G. I want to be faithful to him. He deserves the world. But the thoughts I have consume me. With each attractive man I get to know, I envision myself cheating with them. That is why I am here.
I want this feeling to go away. This goal seems unachievable some days. This is a part of my nature, it is who I am, it is inside me. I desperately wish it to be conquered. I am worried that this is the cross that God has determined I will bare in this life. I hope this is not the case.
I need support on this journey. Some reassuring words that it does get better, and that I can conquer these demons that have become a part of who I am and how I function. I am here to pull myself out of the fog.
 
I wish you all the best on whatever demons plague you. Thank you for reading my ramblings.