a breath of relief, in a sense.
I'm new to this place, so hello! I sought this place out after finally reaching a breaking point of sorts with a lot of aspects in my life and decided to turn to search for some sort of haven.
I suffer with depression, anxiety, and hypothyroidism. I feel like they've all poisoned every single aspect of my life. Nothing is more frustrating to me than being 22 years old and waking up every morning, having an internal battle in my head about if I even want to be alive. Not trying to worry anyone, I am not suicidal, I've been down that road before. In my heart I want to live, in my mind I want to die, it's just more or less apparent depending on the day.
After I finally fight with myself to get out of bed, I find that most days even doing the most basic tasks are exhausting. I know I need to shower, I know I need to do some laundry and clean, and I know I should go out and about because it's good for me. Yet I have something in my mind that just makes me shut down. To say I am a homebody is a gross understatement. I just find it so hard to try and put on a fake face everyday and try to go about life like I'm completely fine and a normal person, I never was a good liar.
I have dreams about just waking up one day, not feeling that deep ache all over my body and tension pains, to not have to have that internal battle with myself, to not have the feeling of someone is trying to blow a balloon in my chest and I anxiously wait to see if it's gonna pop and be a shaky, dizzy heap of emotions. Just hop out of bed in a pleasant demeanor, to efficiently get things done, to just an enjoy being alive. I'd love to walk outside and not feel the fluttery beginnings of anxiousness trying to creep into my chest, to be able to small talk with a passing stranger, to get behind the wheel of a car and not feel like I'm going to die.I want to be able to go into a job and not feel like I'm going to fall apart, so I could feel like a responsible, functioning adult. I want to drive back home from that job and not walk into an empty home, because I wouldn't stress out and scare off the love of my life, and have no reasons to argue because I wouldn't have to defend myself over something that exists despite not being able to see it.
I have all of these big dreams, which is most people's normal, everyday life. I want to live that. I'm so frustrated feeling like I'm dealing with all of these things mostly on my own. I want to finally feel like I am enough for someone, to not just be that rainy-day friend you only see once in awhile because social interaction is exhausting, to just be a normal, affectionate girlfriend and feel like a partner, not a burden. I just want to feel okay for once in my life, not self-conscious and hopeless.
My late night rambling for today. I feel a little better getting some of that out now.
I suffer with depression, anxiety, and hypothyroidism. I feel like they've all poisoned every single aspect of my life. Nothing is more frustrating to me than being 22 years old and waking up every morning, having an internal battle in my head about if I even want to be alive. Not trying to worry anyone, I am not suicidal, I've been down that road before. In my heart I want to live, in my mind I want to die, it's just more or less apparent depending on the day.
After I finally fight with myself to get out of bed, I find that most days even doing the most basic tasks are exhausting. I know I need to shower, I know I need to do some laundry and clean, and I know I should go out and about because it's good for me. Yet I have something in my mind that just makes me shut down. To say I am a homebody is a gross understatement. I just find it so hard to try and put on a fake face everyday and try to go about life like I'm completely fine and a normal person, I never was a good liar.
I have dreams about just waking up one day, not feeling that deep ache all over my body and tension pains, to not have to have that internal battle with myself, to not have the feeling of someone is trying to blow a balloon in my chest and I anxiously wait to see if it's gonna pop and be a shaky, dizzy heap of emotions. Just hop out of bed in a pleasant demeanor, to efficiently get things done, to just an enjoy being alive. I'd love to walk outside and not feel the fluttery beginnings of anxiousness trying to creep into my chest, to be able to small talk with a passing stranger, to get behind the wheel of a car and not feel like I'm going to die.I want to be able to go into a job and not feel like I'm going to fall apart, so I could feel like a responsible, functioning adult. I want to drive back home from that job and not walk into an empty home, because I wouldn't stress out and scare off the love of my life, and have no reasons to argue because I wouldn't have to defend myself over something that exists despite not being able to see it.
I have all of these big dreams, which is most people's normal, everyday life. I want to live that. I'm so frustrated feeling like I'm dealing with all of these things mostly on my own. I want to finally feel like I am enough for someone, to not just be that rainy-day friend you only see once in awhile because social interaction is exhausting, to just be a normal, affectionate girlfriend and feel like a partner, not a burden. I just want to feel okay for once in my life, not self-conscious and hopeless.
My late night rambling for today. I feel a little better getting some of that out now.
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