A breath of Fresh Air.... Finally

today i finally felt like I got a break... i began to feel better physcially for one thing. the weather is finally looking nice w/ some sunshine and no terrible winds. we've had enough of that wind blowing.... that's for sure. 

the weather was very nice. i got to the doctor for a shot and a Zpack, and i got to the insurance place and talked to them about our insurance. i am NOT coping w/ not working. 

i have had 2 breakdowns. really really bad ones. ONE, i actually threw two plates into the floor and smashed them to tiny tiny pieces. no one was in the room, but i'm pretty sure MH heard it bc he was in the garage. it was terrible. i have not done anything like that in years and years. that was 2 weeks ago. i had all of it to clean up... but i have been so extremely angry. very very angry. 

i then broke down again yesterday.... bawling... upset... crying... feeling like a victim bc i am not working. i have just had enough of feeling useless. and MH just goes to work and does HIS thing.... while i'm feeling lonely, isolate, angry, frustrated, unfulfilled, and must i go on.... ? and i think that's why i've had 2 flares and then a horrible head cold... i just internalize it all.. until i smash plates. that was horrible. but in a weird way, i felt relief afterwards.... i don't want to do it again though.... 

Mh told me to just work.... we could pay for insurance. so i went to talk to them about insurance today and it will work out. he then kind of whined about how he was getting the bad end of the deal.... but i told him something had to change. i couldn't do it. 

we might have to get legally separated. i don't mind that. it would just meant that our legal stuff would be separate... but that wld be find with me... but there will be legalities involved. but i do have a few more questions before we make that move. i just know i canNOT sit around this house while HE goes to work and does HIS thing... comes home too exhausted to do anything and won't anyways... 

it is time for me to take complete control of my happiness.... it's just all been a big road block for too long. and he isn't going to travel anyway. he resents spending the money. And we are not very happy too far from our own beds anyways. .... lol. not too long anyways. 

i also made an appt to get my hair cut tomorrow... 

i found a very cute pixie cut i like. i'm going to take that to her. i found a website called "laddytopia" w/ clothes that are darling. BUT i want to sew them. i know that i can... they are big, baggy... go w/ my straw hats and are made of all cotton or linen. i need some sewing projects... so i found a jumper, shorts and some pants and a dress that are so cute. i had patterns that fit those things and i will see if i still have them. if not, they will be easy to find. 

i want to wear laddytopia / boho hippie clothes, wear my straw hats and carry big floppy bags and straw purses this summer w/ my crocs and some fun Tshoes ... and leather Jesus sandals... long funky necklaces, scarves, Buddhist prayer beads.... fun earrings... all of that is my thang... w/ a sassy pixie cut.... makes me feel sunshineyyy and smileyyyy inside.... makes me look forward to something. 

i haven't looked forward to anything in a long long lonnnnnnnng time. 

MH doesn't allow that... he craps on a lot of my happiness bc it costs money. so. we will see..... i'm detaching. 

needing to revisit detaching in my program. just need to really do that w/ MH. i love him. but while i married an earth sign, this water chick is just so stagnant... and stinkin unhappy. i'm ready for a legal separation in more ways than one. legally and emotionally. i'm just not thriving and i haven't for a long long time. 

but happiness comes from within... and i've got to keep meditating, praying, believing, buring my sage ... lol... whatever it takes ... to pull in some fresh air. 

namaste 

g.