a bit sad this morning

Saturday, May 03, 2008 11:40 AM  I woke up around 7am this morning a bit sad. Mornings have been hard so I guess it’s not unusual. I was worrying about that place again. I just had it in my head that it was going to fulfill my dream of living in a warm sunny place…but instead its managed to become my biggest stress to date. It feels like a jail sentence right now. I have to pay and pay every month for that stupid thing. We are afraid to rent it out because of how people treat rentals so it just sits there. Even if it had worked out I would still probably be freaking out about the payments…but at least I would like the place!   I learned some valuable lessons I guess. I’m not comfortable at all having any kind of debt and I hate not having control. If that place were closer I may feel better….at least I could check on it and use it more often. At this point I wish to never see it again but unfortunately there is no way to sell it now other then to basically give it away. Our wonderful economy and housing market will be in the hole for at least the next 1-2 years…and I have fallen into the same hole because of it.   I fear making the payments every month and myself or my girlfriend losing our jobs. I hate that I feel trapped right now. I’m convinced that it will never sell because of the stupid train track next door…the train didn’t bother me until people started freaking out because it comes though 1-2 times a week @ 2am. Now I’m convinced that no one will ever buy this stupid thing. It only runs like once a day but in my mind I see it coming through like every 5 minutes 24/7 and nobody will ever want it! I know I’m being dramatic but I’m convinced I’m stuck with this thing forever!   Even my positive thoughts are negative. I think that maybe one day in the next 5-10 years it will actually sell….and we’ll lose a boatload of money! Once again I am speculating but the “what ifs” are enough to drive me mad! Of course in the mean time bad things will happen like broken pipes, hurricanes, fire….you name it….I’m worried about it!  I’m afraid to spend a dime now because I’m convinced this place will somehow cost me everything……..I know…dramatic! One day it will be gone and I’ll look back at this as a hard lesson learned and hopefully just another bump in the road. Until that day comes I need to find a way to justify this mess so I can stop being so sad/depressed all of the time! So one part of my life feels broken right now…other parts are working! I feel so selfish whining about this knowing others have real problems to deal with but it is what it is……..feelings of stupidity, guilt, trapped, hopeless….you name it…the bad feelings are there. If I could see this in a different light the depression would ease but I can’t seem to find a silver lining in this to hold on to.   I know that nothing stays the same and this too shall pass. God knows I have seen good times and bad times pass just the same. I hate that this bad time was of my own creation but I have to believe that there are positive things ahead…