A bit of everything - worth a read?
So I thought I should write this now...
I am currently bloated alot..my stomach is hard and tender and if you saw me in the shops you'd assume I was pregnant.
Im also tried, fatigued, yes.
I went to the OBGYN on the 23rd...explained my pains, talked about everything thats happened since we last saw each other. I was in agony in there, my ovaries causing me so much pain he could see it. He shook his head told me I was a complexing case and that it's not fair I should live this way (NO IT'S NOT!). He said he wants to go back in, thats right operation #3 all in 1 year...on January 5th, first cab off the rank. Im not so much looking forward to it as interested to know whats going on...is it back again with avengence? What's it taking control of this time? yes- I am scared.
I try so hard to not let it have me but telling myself I have it! Like hell I do, if I had it, I wouldn't be in this position. But you know what, I have strength and determination and while I am mentally straining to cope I am determined to not admitt defeat. I really do Agree with MommyM8 - acceptance is key. But this will take time, and evidently, I have a lot of that ;P
I just can't comprehend, at 9 years old all the pain and suffering, the heavy flows and agony, that this would be why. More then anything, I can't comprehend HOW in less then a year I am here. In January I didn't have a proper diagnosis, now I'm worse off then ever, knowing nothing is going to help and my body rejecting literally everything. In January 2011 a whole year since I started my journey in this new state with doctors who knew what they were doing and my supportive partner by my side, I will go in for operation #3, oh the contrast...the irony. Do you know that I even have a dress now named "my surgery dress" - it's the most comfterble and easy dress to put on, it also is floral very much 'me' - it now has a new name, even Jase said when I was off to my colonoscopy "wearing your surgery dress I see". Accpetance is going to take some time. But I can be thankful for one thing, I am lucky enough at this young and tender age to have a partner who supports me, I am also lucky enough for family by my side. The rest of the outside world (excluding you lovely people on here) don't need to be given reasons or explanations, I've stopped caring what they think (ok secretly sometimes I DO care). If I need my heat pack it travels with me, to functions, to dinners, anywhere. If I need medication I have no hesitation in stopping and taking it. If I'm not well and have to sit out and vege the world has to deal with that. The fact is I do not have a disease with an expiary date, or should I say I do not have a disease that gives me an expiary date. I have spent more money on doctors and surgeries I could fund an around the world trip, but this is who I am, this is not me but I have learnt it is a huge part of me, and if I have to accept this it's only fair the world does too, right ladies?
Looking back, and looking forward the road has been and will be longer, but I praise the person who invented the internet, to give us all connections to one another. I know I am loved and I know others care, I am not going to be a model, or cure cancer, I am not going to walk the kokoda trail, but I am going to me a part of something just a great, I am going to be 1 of millions of women who help those brilliant and amazing doctors find us a cure, and that IS important, my friends that will be a miracle.
Much love and hugs
xxx
I am currently bloated alot..my stomach is hard and tender and if you saw me in the shops you'd assume I was pregnant.
Im also tried, fatigued, yes.
I went to the OBGYN on the 23rd...explained my pains, talked about everything thats happened since we last saw each other. I was in agony in there, my ovaries causing me so much pain he could see it. He shook his head told me I was a complexing case and that it's not fair I should live this way (NO IT'S NOT!). He said he wants to go back in, thats right operation #3 all in 1 year...on January 5th, first cab off the rank. Im not so much looking forward to it as interested to know whats going on...is it back again with avengence? What's it taking control of this time? yes- I am scared.
I try so hard to not let it have me but telling myself I have it! Like hell I do, if I had it, I wouldn't be in this position. But you know what, I have strength and determination and while I am mentally straining to cope I am determined to not admitt defeat. I really do Agree with MommyM8 - acceptance is key. But this will take time, and evidently, I have a lot of that ;P
I just can't comprehend, at 9 years old all the pain and suffering, the heavy flows and agony, that this would be why. More then anything, I can't comprehend HOW in less then a year I am here. In January I didn't have a proper diagnosis, now I'm worse off then ever, knowing nothing is going to help and my body rejecting literally everything. In January 2011 a whole year since I started my journey in this new state with doctors who knew what they were doing and my supportive partner by my side, I will go in for operation #3, oh the contrast...the irony. Do you know that I even have a dress now named "my surgery dress" - it's the most comfterble and easy dress to put on, it also is floral very much 'me' - it now has a new name, even Jase said when I was off to my colonoscopy "wearing your surgery dress I see". Accpetance is going to take some time. But I can be thankful for one thing, I am lucky enough at this young and tender age to have a partner who supports me, I am also lucky enough for family by my side. The rest of the outside world (excluding you lovely people on here) don't need to be given reasons or explanations, I've stopped caring what they think (ok secretly sometimes I DO care). If I need my heat pack it travels with me, to functions, to dinners, anywhere. If I need medication I have no hesitation in stopping and taking it. If I'm not well and have to sit out and vege the world has to deal with that. The fact is I do not have a disease with an expiary date, or should I say I do not have a disease that gives me an expiary date. I have spent more money on doctors and surgeries I could fund an around the world trip, but this is who I am, this is not me but I have learnt it is a huge part of me, and if I have to accept this it's only fair the world does too, right ladies?
Looking back, and looking forward the road has been and will be longer, but I praise the person who invented the internet, to give us all connections to one another. I know I am loved and I know others care, I am not going to be a model, or cure cancer, I am not going to walk the kokoda trail, but I am going to me a part of something just a great, I am going to be 1 of millions of women who help those brilliant and amazing doctors find us a cure, and that IS important, my friends that will be a miracle.
Much love and hugs
xxx
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