A bigger ramble than the last 10!
My breaths are slow, my thoughts are fast. I over-analyze, I criticize. I'm so sure, so unsure. My heart is so big, my hopes are strong. My beliefs exist in what I can see. I know my beliefs should exist in what I cannot see. I'm in a battle with myself, in a battle with the world. The world is so big, yet so small. Every thought, every move.. will change everything. I find strength when I'm weak, without explination or reason. I continue knowing I shouldn't question my strength but I do. I can't figure out how a person can feel so blessed, yet so cheated. I'm tired, I'm awake. I'm strong and I'm weak.
There are a million things running through my mind. And everytime I try to calm my thoughts, they only grow stronger. I'm hungry for knowledge. Yet my stomach refuses food. I'm tired of feeling tired.
I've been sitting here trying to think about what I should write. But then I realized, I never think about it. Whatever is written on this journal, is exactly the way I think. And though this journal mostly gets the negative side of the pain, I don't ever give pain credit. Now pain is something that no one should ever have to come in contact with. I wish that no one would have to be reading this right now. But I do believe things happen to people for a reason. Whatever it may be. It may not make sense, it may not be fair.. well it's never fair. But I have to believe that I'm going through this for a reason. I've become more understanding in the past four years than I ever have been. I'm sincere. I value everything ten times more. The little things make me happy. I can find a smile in any situation. Hugs mean the world. My family ...is everything to me. So even though I have to deal with a burden, all the good things I have, outweigh my pain anyday of the week. And it keeps me sane. It makes me a better person. A happier person. And on nights like tonight while everyone is sleeping... I can open my eyes and see what's infront of me. Pain also makes you blind. Most of the time, it feels like you can't see anything. And when you do, you see pain. You see pain all around you. Pain fills the room. And breathing, means breathing pain. That's one of the hardest parts for me.... seeing past the pain that keeps me locked inside a box of suffering. But I want more, so much more than to be locked in my own misery. Life is so much more. Pain takes over... because it can. But there's more strength in everyone... than anyone knows. And strength is what I need more of everyday. Because strength is going to give me my life back. I need to stop looking for the day where pain doesn't exist in my every move and start looking for the other good that also exists. I need to be all that I claim and less of what I fear. When I wake up in the morning, I need to tell myself, this is going to be a great day, find one reason it will be. Instead of saying, I can't do this. This isn't fair. Of course it's not fair. But is it fair that people are starving and we're able to eat a full meal and still have left-overs in a doggy bag? Of course not. And those whom are starving, are so much stronger than I'll ever be. Not because they want to be strong but because they have to. Survival means wanting to. And I want to live and not let pain become my world. I used to say love is just a word. But now I know it's more than a word. It's stronger than strength. It'll carry you through anything. It'll get you through the worst pain possible. It'll be there when you're at your lowest. So if it means I have to find my strength through the love I have for other people, I will. Grab onto them. And when you think, "I don't want their pity, I don't want them feeling helpless"... you shouldn't. And I shouldn't. They're there for a reason. Not to pity you, because they know you better than that. Let them love you. and love them back just as much. For a long time, I let my pain push everything away. Everything that I loved and everything that loved me. And for what. So in the end I can be alone in pain? So they can be in pain from the pain I've caused? No. The number one rule of dealing with pain is Don't push away love because I promise you, it's the one thing that will win if you let it. I told myself this year was going to be different. As far as the way I deal with my pain, the bitterness, the anger... my only goal is to not allow it to happen without a fight. Don't let pain steal your life.
"I said maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me.. and afterall, you're my wonderwall" - Oasis
Replies
amazing. moving. inspiring. your words are like a song, really.....You are so insightful. It\'s true, about the pain making you see and appreciate and find happiness in the little things in life that may have gone unnoticed before. A kind gesture, a smile and a hug from someone who knows that\'s ALL they can do to help and so it\'s enough. You are right, grab on to them. And realizing the strength that you now know you have, that you never had to call on before. Before the pain made you find it. Grab on to that to.
Wise and deeply personal words. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much. I can\'t tell you how many times I\'ve wanted to forget every word I\'ve just written and continue being bitter and angry for the burden I have to deal with. But.... I know I\'m better than that. I know there\'s better and so much more in this world than living as a bitter person. Being bitter and angry is worthless. Being weak is a moment you\'re forced to take in order to be strong. But as long as you continue being insightful, loving, and someone who still believes in the miracle of life.. then I think you still have a chance at the life you deserve. I believe you\'re lucky if you can see all of that when a lot of people can\'t. I\'m lucky and I know it. I just want to acknowledge it. The other day I was out to dinner with my family and I saw an old couple whom I assumed were regulars walking toward the door, so I waited. The older woman was a lot faster than her husband and made it inside a minute or two before her husband. It was raining and this man pushed himself to walk all the way to the door. So I stood there, as long as it took to hold the door open for him. And he looked at me with the same feeling I had. I knew he was in pain and he pushed himself. He thanked me and his wife put her hand on my shoulder and said Thank you. You\'re going to be fine. It was as though she knew what I was going through without knowing me. But I assume she knew that for someone to wait that long just to hold the door open for someone else, must be going through something that humbles them or has gone through something terrible that has given me an insight to the importance of life. For some reason, that old couple made me smile for the rest of the day. And those are the things I want out of life. I want it to mean something..... other than my pain.
it will. it does. maybe that\'s why we find ourselves here, to keep reminding each other? it works for me. right now I feel like crying and screaming, and well, your story about the old couple just made me stop. and smile. thanks. again. :)