a big week

is going to be a big week, tuesday is the courts interview with my son, she is coming to the house. I have been having the same nightmares of my stbx  suicide and very cruel confrontations. One of the biggest things I miss, is love.      To feel like I matter to my other half, I know what I had at the end was not much at all, but I do miss love, caring,affection kisses, hugs. I am asking for too much too soon, but going through this roller coaster with out it .   I do thank all of you guys for your support through out this, it has been very very helpful. Woke up down and just wanted to sleep in, but need to get my son off to school and me off to work. 17 days or so until I am in court for the divorce ,so this time will be loaded with stress and uneasiness.



I\'m so sorry for what you\'re going through. The suicide nightmare came to me the night before I was supposed to go to a friend\'s wedding, so I understand how terrible they are. I had to keep reminding myself of the reality that entire next day... that the X\'s behavior is out of my control, no longer my responsibility to deal with. Because only THEY can get the help they need... they choose to buy the alcohol/drugs... they choose to consume it... and by us walking away, THEY have to face that, but it\'s also THEIR choice to decided what to do about it. If it was your choice, you would have already \"fixed\" it, right? I know I would have - I tried to for 30 years. I did go to that wedding, you know, despite my pain - Strange thing was, that I met a LIFE COACH at that wedding who specializes in suicide prevention and she helped me see that.... odd coincidence, right?

And as for dealing with the rest, I had to look at this process as the death of a marriage. Because the person you loved is gone.... so by grieving for THAT person, mourning for THAT person, healing begins. Because in actuality with regards to emotions, they are two completely different people - the one that was so special is now gone - as if they HAD died and can\'t ever come back.... and the one that remains... well, whenever I head back to that sadness, I remind myself with questions.... if I met the X for the first time as the X is right now, would I go on a date with him? No way. So by treating the past as if I still love him but he passed away and is never coming back, it allows me to continue to remember the GOOD times (why I\'m able to still keep the photos out) and move forward and become happy again... And the other side is just someone I occasionally meet on the street, and just keep walking by.... and it doesn\'t hurt to see him anymore.

Hope this helps! {{HUGS}}