A Bereaved Parents Wish List
A friend shared with us recently something a friend had shared with her... I felt like so many things on that list came from my heart and yet not exactly... anyway the friend who shared the list has indicated that she didn't want us to copy and share her friends list... so I decided to share only a few things in my own words that are from my wish list... The lady who wrote the original list called it A Bereaved Parent's Wish List and I think that name covers it very well so I didn't change it... I wish my child hadn’t died. I wish I could have her back. I wish this so often... I have to be honest and say that although I can't help but wish this every day... I don't believe Cara wants to come back... She told me she loved me but she couldn't say she was sad or that she missed me... She said it was wonderful where she is... It hurts in a way that she said she wasn't sad and that she doesn't miss me... but Cara understands things I don't... I think maybe she's not sad and she doesn't miss us because her spirit is forever alive and here all the time if she wants to be... some times I think she might even go off to do other things... because she knows she can return she is free to live on the other side of the veil... I'm glad she's doing good... more than anything I'm so glad for that... I wish people would speak my child’s name and not act like they are nervous when I speak her name. My child lived and was/is very important to me. When people avoid speaking about Cara or shy away from me speaking about her its almost like she dies again and again... You can't do that you know... She's going to live for me every day I'm alive... every breath I take... and I'm not apologizing for that... I am so glad Cara is my daughter.... Once again I feel her here... reading over my shoulder... and I'm so glad to be able to tell you and my baby girl how much I love her.... I wish you wouldn't think you hurt me when you speak of my child. You give my child back to me. I can see her... I can almost hear and touch her.... smell her fragrance.... Speaking of her isn't what hurts me. The death of my child's earthly being makes me sad. Its hard to learn to accept that she's as much or more present in my life than before... I want to touch her, to hold her, to hear her voice... If I cry and you simply say its ok I'm here for you... its what I need most... a bit of understanding... someone who cares enough to share for just a bit my beautiful child... Don't avoid me like you think losing a child is contagious. There is no data to support such a superstion. Actually I don't think people do avoid us because they think its contagious... but its almost as if they think we choose to be sad and they want to "punish' us.... Actually if you can't get over that I think I would rather you avoid me because I don't have much patience with stupidity or meanness.... I wish people would understand I am different... and its permanent... When Cara died, a big part of me died. I have even gained some compassion and understanding I would otherwise never have known... I would give it all up in a heartbeat to have her back again... Yes I am selfish... I want her back... but since its not to be... I'm grateful that I believe she is doing well. I wish you could understand... but then again... I pray you never understand.
Replies
Amen, may they never understand, for to understand would mean that another child has died and another parent suffers this horror. Yet at the same time might there not be some empathy in an attempt to support and comfort? It has seemed to me that so many others are more concerned with their own \"discomfort\" when with me now than they are with offering comfort...so they don\'t mention his name, or talk about \"it\"...or even worse they broach the subject and tell me to \"get over it\" with worn out old platitudes. But I continue to talk about \"it\" and Adam, always will for he is always a part of me and my life, my history. So, if they don\'t want to hear about me, my life and my son then it is best that they keep their distance. Thinking of you and Cara...love you.
amen .. yes I also feel Cara is always around you .. Its just their and she is real. I would never be afraid to say anything. its always and forever your daughter. hugs gail
I would never allow anyone to pretend Timmy did not exist no matter how uncomfortable it made them.
I think because we all spoke of Timmy in the present (as we still do) the people around us at the time knew Timmy and had stories of their own to share. Timmy was quite precocious.
Sometimes now if I talk about Timmy to people who did not know us then...who never knew my kids or Timmy in particular...they would like to be uncomfortable but most times they are not because the one only sad part of Timmy\'s life was his death.
I think one of the best aspects of this site is that we have gotten to know each other\'s children. Yes there is the shock and horror and sadness of their deaths but it is so much more....we have gotten to know the children through each other\'s eyes...the real child not just the child in death. We have through shared grief that few know been able to flesh out each other\'s kids so that we know them...we can feel the loss of not being able to know them and the accomplishments of their future. We can share that grief with each other because our kids are real to us and to each other. Does that make sense?
I hear a lot of people say...I hope you never understand....well, I really don\'t feel that way. No, I don\'t want anyone else\'s child to die so that their parents feel the same pain....what I mean is I want as many people as possible to know my child as he was in life and as I see him now. I don\'t want them to feel that grief I want them to know that joy in hopes that they can find a way to put aside the dirty bedroom, the rotten grades, the unacceptable girl/boy friend, the smart mouth or dirty look. I want them to see that none of that matters very much in the grand scheme of things. What matters is that once in a while...I love you Mom or the Thanks Mom or the hug or smile or the little thoughtful gift or the hey Mom do you have a minute? These are the things that count....these are the things we remember most. I want everyone to know that. So yes, I will always talk about Cara and Adam and Timmy. I will share everything I know about them. I will talk about \"P\" and Molly. I will talk about Mama and Jan and Pat. They were much more than their deaths.... they were vital, loving, real.... they had space and made space for us and for themselves....they loved and were loved and are loved. If sharing their stories can make you look at your kid and just hug them once or ruffle their hair or feel that swelling of pride and love then they are seeing a little of what we know....the things that count.
Love ya, Kathy
I share that, as soon as i mention Suzette\'s name old and dear friends find excuses to exit conversation, I know it is because they don\'t really understand and i thank god for that, and also for this place where we can take off our masks and be our new selves. luv and hugs
people are uncomfortable when I talk about my son But I will never stop . I was happy to be here because I thought people understood some do But I find its the friends I have here that hasnt loss their child, that read my journals and check on me, But I still write and talk about Reggie
I wish you all the best
love U