A Bad Counciling Session With My Brother!

Tuesday, April 15, 2009 – 3:25 P.M. I had another family counseling session yesterday morning with my brother (Lee), along with my mental health therapist (Dale), and psychologist (Dr. Martin). It turned out to be what was once known as a "barnburner."   About 10 minutes before the meeting started, Dale came into the waiting room and said that he would start by seeing me alone until the others got there. He was concerned about my state of health, saying that he was aware of some, but not all, of the medical problems I have had, and been dealing with during the past year. He suggested that if there was too much of a drain on me that we could stop the counseling sessions for the time being. I did not see any reason for that, and told him so.   After Lee and Dr. Martin came into the room, Dale asked me to give them a brief rundown on my medical situation. He said that he wanted to make sure they both knew what I have been going through in addition to the mental health issues. Dale said that physical problems could sometimes cause mental ones and vice versa. I am sure that he was addressing Lee more than he was Dr. Martin.   Dale then said that we needed to start the meeting by talking about the "pink elephant" that was standing in the middle of the room. He asked me to tell Lee what I heard him say close to the end of our last meeting. I told him that I heard him say that he was "ashamed to be seen with me in public."   Lee started to deny it, but I interrupted and told them that at the time I asked if I heard him right, and had repeated what I heard word for word. He said that he had mainly been talking about how he felt during our childhood, but he finally admitted that he was also partially talking about the present. Up until then, he had spent the past month denying what he had said.   Dale then told him that after the last meeting; I had seen Dr. Martin and told her what I had heard, and that she had then called Dale to tell him about my being angry over it. He asked me how I felt about it yesterday, and I said that I was still angry but not as much.   My brother became extremely upset and said that he had not known I had been so angry, and he did not know why I would wait a month to bring it to his attention. I said that I had mentioned it in some of my e-mails to him. He then brought out copies of my e-mail and tried quoting from them. (I am not sure why, but he does this at every meeting.)   He also said that we had talked on the phone and I had not said anything about this. I asked what was the use of doing that since he had been denying what he said anyway. He accused me of being secretive, non-communicative, and that I seemed “afraid of offending, so afraid that you evade whatever the truth is, or so it seems to me.”   I told him that I usually like to think about what I am going to say before saying something because I did not want to hurt anyone as our mother used to do. He said he did not understand why I could not just be real, and I countered by saying that it was just the way "I am."   Lee said that he thought our phone conversations were very superficial and did not have much meaning to them. I agreed, but said I felt it was as much his fault as it was mine. I also told him to get used to it because I was not going to change my ways just for him.   Dale wanted to know how we got along when we talked on the phone. I said that for the most part I thought it was rather artificial. I told him that Lee asked about my health and me almost every time we talked, and that I usually asked about his wife and children. Dale asked if I inquired about how Lee was doing with his alcoholism. I said that I never asked because I did not think it was any of my business. Lee said he thought that I was rejecting him by not asking anything regarding that.   I said that it was not a matter of rejection, but that when I used to use drugs, Lee used to yell and scream at me whenever he found out about it. I said it hurt my feelings, and that I did not want to inflict the same kind of pain upon him.   Lee tried to convince everyone that this was different because when he yelled at me, I was actually using drugs, and that in his case, he had not been an alcoholic. What I did not say, because I did not want to hurt him yesterday, was that some 20 or more years ago, he had said that he was an alcoholic. If he was one then, what made him think he was not one during the intervening years?   Lee said that I would never answer all the questions he asked me. He said he felt that he was being rejected in that way. I said it was not worth answering some of his questions. He seemed very offended by that. During this part of the conversation, somehow he brought up the fact that his wife is going to be having some surgery in the coming month. He refused to say exactly what type of surgery was involved. Dr. Martin asked him if we talked on the phone some time and I asked him what kind of surgery his wife was having, would he tell me. He said no. I believe she then said something about why he should expect me to answer all of his questions when he would not do the same for me. I do not remember hearing an answer to that.   She also asked if he remembered my saying, at a previous session, that I loved him. He said yes. Then he had to add, of course, that I was asked what I knew about him, and although I answered the question, I was "only fifty percent right." (Maybe if he had not stayed away from me so often, I would have known more.)   Dale wanted to know if we ever got together. I said that now and then (usually once or twice at Christmas) we would see one another. I also told him that we used to go to the park together, but after I moved to my present location there were no large trees under which we could sit, so that ended that. Lee told him that now and then we got together and went out to dinner with our sister, who he said would treat me like a mother hen and "flitter" around me too much. (Is he jealous?)   Lee was asked by Dale if he and I went out to a restaurant together would he know what type of help I would need. Lee said other than to have helped cutting my meat, that he did not know anything else. I was asked by Dale if I needed help with "a glass of milk" would I ask Lee. I said no, because I felt that was a weakness.   Before the meeting ended, all of us talked about my planning on moving to another program rather than a home health care agency. I did not have any idea that subject would be brought up, and when it was, I should have seen some red flags hanging before me.   I tried explaining my reasons for wanting to go to that type of program. I said that I would be able to choose the people I wanted to work for me, set their hours of work, establish the amount of pay they would get, and that I intended to include in the contract that I have to write up, that I would be getting a dog and would need help in the mornings and evenings taking it outside for a brief time.   Dale expressed some concerns he had for me. He said he thought that I was already under enough pressure and stress, and having to do all that work might have a detrimental effect upon my health. Dr. Martin seemed to be in agreement with him.   I was asked if I had talked with Lee about it. I said that I had not. I was then asked if I would like to hear his opinion. I said sure, even though that was not the truth. Lee said he did not think I could handle all of that, and I should give up the idea of entering the program. That comment alone was almost enough to make me go in and sign all of the papers needed today! He rarely gives me any credit for doing, or being able to do, anything.   After giving the matter a brief thought, and hearing Dale say that he was worried about the liability involved if I had an accident and broke a bone of some type, I could see the logic of his thinking. He said he wanted to call my case manager and arrange a meeting with just the three of us. I agreed to that, and said that I would hold off making any firm commitment right now.   Dale said that he thought this was the best meeting we have ever had. He also said that he wanted us to meet again as soon as possible, and we all agreed to meet next Monday.