Scared
Hi,
I am scared. I don't know what to do. I have been feeling ok in the past couple of days. Ok I have been feeling down but it was better than the thoughts I had a few weeks ago and more recently about suicide. I have been taking Seroquel as an additional medication and maybe it has contributed to my better mood but also I have been talking to mom about a couple of stuff and she has been responding well with me. I have been jumping from one hopeful event to another but I am not sure what to make of my recent feeling of mood imporvement.
It is important to mention that I had a pretty bad confrontation with my dad. It is funny it is a confrotation but there was no contact what so ever between me and him and there is no talking about the incident since it happened. I ran out of the house because my dad wanted me to go to my uncle's and I didn't want to go. So the confrontation was, this is how you want to play it then I will run out of the house without you knowing about it. He is not talking to me since then, 2 days ago, and I feel strongly about it and it is making me feel sad. The thing is that I conveyed the message that I do not want to go to my uncle's. If he doesn't want to accept it then I go out of the house. It is a good statement to make. I am worried of the aftermath of the situation. He supports me and has me under his roof and he pays for my food, drink, etc. and my medical expenses. The thing is that I cannot have someone force me to do something. A conversation with him about why I do not want to go would be because I am feeling down and I didn't want to socialize. That would have been followed up by him saying that it is better to pull myself together and go entertain the guests, ignoring completely that I have a mental situation that needs taking care of. Of course I was strong enough to tell him that by running away.
Anyhow, so I am feeling not too well now because I had a fleeing thought in my mind that I am not going to stay strong and feeling a high strong mood and that I see inside of me the suicidal emptiness and the suicidal thoughts that were there before. I feel that it might be the same situation as before when I was put on a similar anti-psychotic and I had this high from them until things went sour again after that.
Maybe things are different this time around. Maybe I will not be feeling very sour and my hope will still be alive. I am relying on the fact that my mom loves me a lot and if she does why would I want to commit suicide. The devil's advocate response to this is that if she loves me so much wouldn't she want me not to suffer and accept my death wishes. It is a very difficult thing to keep in mind but it feels like there is hope when my mom shows her love to me. I am thirsty for love. I get non from my father, other than that once in a blue moon show of affection. But it is quite rare to see. Let me see when he really praised me and liked what I've said. I remember around 12 years ago when I said something good in front of people and he praised me for saying that thing. It was very instantaneous what I did. It was good. It is not about me. I have been treated unfairly. I don't know if I can say this to myself. I need a huge hug but how long will the hug last. Things won't be very peachy. The lack of confidence in me has gone down. I don't know what will restore that if anything. I don't want to bet on it. Rather forget it is all there. Forget that part of my life.
I am scared. I don't know what to do. I have been feeling ok in the past couple of days. Ok I have been feeling down but it was better than the thoughts I had a few weeks ago and more recently about suicide. I have been taking Seroquel as an additional medication and maybe it has contributed to my better mood but also I have been talking to mom about a couple of stuff and she has been responding well with me. I have been jumping from one hopeful event to another but I am not sure what to make of my recent feeling of mood imporvement.
It is important to mention that I had a pretty bad confrontation with my dad. It is funny it is a confrotation but there was no contact what so ever between me and him and there is no talking about the incident since it happened. I ran out of the house because my dad wanted me to go to my uncle's and I didn't want to go. So the confrontation was, this is how you want to play it then I will run out of the house without you knowing about it. He is not talking to me since then, 2 days ago, and I feel strongly about it and it is making me feel sad. The thing is that I conveyed the message that I do not want to go to my uncle's. If he doesn't want to accept it then I go out of the house. It is a good statement to make. I am worried of the aftermath of the situation. He supports me and has me under his roof and he pays for my food, drink, etc. and my medical expenses. The thing is that I cannot have someone force me to do something. A conversation with him about why I do not want to go would be because I am feeling down and I didn't want to socialize. That would have been followed up by him saying that it is better to pull myself together and go entertain the guests, ignoring completely that I have a mental situation that needs taking care of. Of course I was strong enough to tell him that by running away.
Anyhow, so I am feeling not too well now because I had a fleeing thought in my mind that I am not going to stay strong and feeling a high strong mood and that I see inside of me the suicidal emptiness and the suicidal thoughts that were there before. I feel that it might be the same situation as before when I was put on a similar anti-psychotic and I had this high from them until things went sour again after that.
Maybe things are different this time around. Maybe I will not be feeling very sour and my hope will still be alive. I am relying on the fact that my mom loves me a lot and if she does why would I want to commit suicide. The devil's advocate response to this is that if she loves me so much wouldn't she want me not to suffer and accept my death wishes. It is a very difficult thing to keep in mind but it feels like there is hope when my mom shows her love to me. I am thirsty for love. I get non from my father, other than that once in a blue moon show of affection. But it is quite rare to see. Let me see when he really praised me and liked what I've said. I remember around 12 years ago when I said something good in front of people and he praised me for saying that thing. It was very instantaneous what I did. It was good. It is not about me. I have been treated unfairly. I don't know if I can say this to myself. I need a huge hug but how long will the hug last. Things won't be very peachy. The lack of confidence in me has gone down. I don't know what will restore that if anything. I don't want to bet on it. Rather forget it is all there. Forget that part of my life.
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