why?
why am i so drawn to writing about my EDNOS?
just this year, i have written an article, started 2 short stories, and written more poetry about it than i care to stop and count. why are we all so drawn to write about it so much? all of us... is it because we find comfort in the global community created at DS? is it because writing is the only way we can begin to figure it out? is it because writing is the on;y way we can wrap our brains around the EDcraziness that has consumed us?
seriously, if you were to look at my journal, you'd think that's all i think about. it's not. i think about school, my maria kitty, saving for an apartment, what god has done in my life. but i write about it a lot.
i suppose it's because this hurts the most. i suppose it is because i have come to the knowledge that i have become my own abuser. before, i was bullied. before, my mother hurt me. now, i am hurting myself. because i have fooled myself into thinking that the temporary comfort of my behaviors is somehow worth the price i pay for giving into them. the horrid post-binge cramps, the urge to starve that comes only after the binge has made me almost too sick to move. the lie that whispers "if you're thin, you'll look better in stage." if you're thin, you'll be more attractive." "if you're thin, the world will notice you and not your chair."
i know these are all lies from the pit of hell. lies satan whispers at me and sometimes screams at me through my ED Proxy-Connection: keep-alive
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get me to choose EDNOS instead of jesus. and i won't lie. there have been times i have chosen the temporary comfort of ED over jesus. those times, i feel like the biggest sinner the world has ever known. because i know the truth! I KNOW BETTER AND STILL CHOOSE EDNOS!
but jesus has taught me that these things are what forgiveness is for. i'm not sure why, but i used to think that god was angry at the whole world-especially me. and why wouldn't he be? i mean, we have denounced him over and over. we have kicked him out of school, the workplace, the public eye. it is no longer politically correct to shout the gospel from the rooftops and preach the messege of the bible in public. people get offended and angry. people back off and make excuses. people say "if god was real, then i wouldn't be in X situation."
but god has taught me that he is first and foremost my FATHER. much like my earthly father, he is not always pleased with my ACTIONS. but my bad or good actions have no affect on whether or not he loves me. HE ALWAYS LOVES ME! more later.-fallon
just this year, i have written an article, started 2 short stories, and written more poetry about it than i care to stop and count. why are we all so drawn to write about it so much? all of us... is it because we find comfort in the global community created at DS? is it because writing is the only way we can begin to figure it out? is it because writing is the on;y way we can wrap our brains around the EDcraziness that has consumed us?
seriously, if you were to look at my journal, you'd think that's all i think about. it's not. i think about school, my maria kitty, saving for an apartment, what god has done in my life. but i write about it a lot.
i suppose it's because this hurts the most. i suppose it is because i have come to the knowledge that i have become my own abuser. before, i was bullied. before, my mother hurt me. now, i am hurting myself. because i have fooled myself into thinking that the temporary comfort of my behaviors is somehow worth the price i pay for giving into them. the horrid post-binge cramps, the urge to starve that comes only after the binge has made me almost too sick to move. the lie that whispers "if you're thin, you'll look better in stage." if you're thin, you'll be more attractive." "if you're thin, the world will notice you and not your chair."
i know these are all lies from the pit of hell. lies satan whispers at me and sometimes screams at me through my ED Proxy-Connection: keep-alive
Cache-Control: max-age=0
get me to choose EDNOS instead of jesus. and i won't lie. there have been times i have chosen the temporary comfort of ED over jesus. those times, i feel like the biggest sinner the world has ever known. because i know the truth! I KNOW BETTER AND STILL CHOOSE EDNOS!
but jesus has taught me that these things are what forgiveness is for. i'm not sure why, but i used to think that god was angry at the whole world-especially me. and why wouldn't he be? i mean, we have denounced him over and over. we have kicked him out of school, the workplace, the public eye. it is no longer politically correct to shout the gospel from the rooftops and preach the messege of the bible in public. people get offended and angry. people back off and make excuses. people say "if god was real, then i wouldn't be in X situation."
but god has taught me that he is first and foremost my FATHER. much like my earthly father, he is not always pleased with my ACTIONS. but my bad or good actions have no affect on whether or not he loves me. HE ALWAYS LOVES ME! more later.-fallon
Replies
eating disorders are such strong demons - we don\'t chose them, we don\'t decide where they feature or how intensly. it\'s good to let out your feelings however, so don\'t feel bad if your journals revolve around ednos. part of the purpose of having a journal is to be able to express yourself and something so \'huge\' as an ed, something so dominating and fearce, well, it\'s bound to have a presense.
i\'m glad you have found some comfort and reassurace in god.
take care xxx