10/27/07  Tony and I talked last night and he can be a very good listener if what I am talking about seems important. I think I have OCD and that is even why I can't clean my house. If it isn't perfect and the way I like it I don't want to do anything. If I even look at everyhthing too long I become overwhelmed and depressed and want to drink. I get often, like right now get, racing thoughts like where do I start, I have to call so and so, I need to write something down or right now for instance. I am sauteeing onions but got extremely compelled to write this down so I had to put the timer on and do this. Then I get confused as to what I should do first. I had to write this instead of just cooking and waiting till later. Tone is always saying finish that first before you do that and I never understood why I absolutely have to do that one thing first. This might make sense to some people.If I get oil or God forbid anything sweet on my hands I have a problem until I find a place to wash my hands. I have even used ice cubes from my water at restaraunts and rain water on the ground! Making meatballs or meatloafis a nightmare! If anything is too tight around my waist it's all I can think about until I get home and get it off. Even my large comfy clothes feel too tight and all I can think about is my waist is too big and I'm fat. I even did this when I weighed 115 lbs. I am 5'4". If I wear a necklace, earrings and rings anywhere I can't wait to get them off once I am home. Sleeping with jewelry on is unheard of. If I don't have something covering my bottom I can't sleep. Even if the night gown is ankle length I will be uncomfortable until I put something over by butt. And I am not a prude by no means! :DThe list goes on and on. Could it be? Next step is to visit a therapist and talk about the things that make me drink instead of how much or when. That is all my GP talks about. After I've been to him I need a drink because he has nagged me so much. My mother was such a nag that if anyone even tries to get me up in the morning (even sweetly) I become a bear! Wow! I should just print this out and bring it to a therapist. I am so excited that maybe I have found the answer to my drinking. It may be I am taking the wrong meds. After all, my GP is giving them to me because I was agoraphobic and suicidal. It was hard to get to him much less a therapist twice a week.I feel a little better but also crazed cuz so much is going on in my brain! The excitment is making me crazy. Have to stop to cook and take Stan for a walk. That's all for today.  If anyone reads this, and has similar experiences and knows what it is please helpme.