Bad day
On my way to work today it hit me like a ton of brick. I will never see my husband in this life time again, he will not hug me or tell me how much he loved me. I starting reliving that awful day. Oh how I hate that feel. A song was playing that said I will love you till the day I die and how true is that. I recall that day how terrible it was and that sick feeling came all over. I started to cry like a baby. I was driving but the tears just kept falling. I wonder if Carlos heard all the things that I told him when he was in a coma. I told him every minute how much I loved him and how lucky I was to have him and what I will do when he wakes us. He never woke up and it hurts never to have been able to hear his voice during those two months that he was in a coma. Maybe listening to the news about congresswoman Giffords has brought all the memories back. I remember Carlos opening his eyes when he heard his name yet the doctor said is was just reflex but yet when the congresswoman did it was progress. Maybe I got a lousy doctor who only wanted me to pull the plugs and I just refused because I had hope my husband the love of my life would wake up. I don't know I am just rambling because I am having a really bad day. I am missing him so much and don't know what to do. I am sitting at my desk right now with tears streaming down think about him and how much I want him here with me. I want to see him one last time to hold and hug him and tell him how much I love him. I don't know if it is the fact that I am about to become a grandmother and I want him to be part of this experience and he is not here to share it with me. I know he looked forward to one day become a grandfather and he never got a chance. He was taken away to young. Does anyone know why these feeling take over unexpected? How do we cope with this loss? God, this is so much pain and please give me the strenght to keep going. It is just a really bad day. I love you Carlos so much and want you to know that you were the best thing that happen to me. You help me to grow and become a better person. You taught me to be a fighter and gave me strenght that I don't have anymore because you are not here with me. Please come into my dreams and tell me that you love me and you will always be by my side. I love you honey. I need you more than ever. I miss hearing your voice singing and your warm hugs. I miss hearing you in the kitchen. The house feels so empty without you. I sit on the sofa when I get home and then go to bed. Nothing seems to interest me anymore. i don't talk to people or visit friends unless it is necessary. I find myself wanting you more than ever. Come visit me. I love you so much.
Replies
I think that sometimes as time rolls by, we get hit with the thoughts that they won\'t return or come breezing through that front door again. It does sometimes bring us to our knees. Hang in there, my long time DS friend. Hugs, Kip.
My worst times seem to be when I am driving home from work and I am tired. I drive an hour to get home at night and for some reason I wind up in tears by the time I get home. I guess I have too much time to do nothing but think. You would think after 2+years that it wouldn\'t affect me like it still does. Especially since I have someone new in my life that I love very much but it still doesn\'t take the place of my husband and the fact that I loved him desperately. Hang in there!!
I am so sorry that you are having such a bad day. I too can\'t understand why it hits us out of nowhere and makes us feel so terrible. The reality is sad, but true we will never feel their touch, hear their voice or see their face in this life time. I cry because I think I am forgetting his voice. My two year anniversary is approaching fast - seems like yesterday I was holding his hand, yet an eternity since I last talked to him. I know Carlos knew how much you loved him. Please try and find some comfort in your new Grandchild - it is a part of Carlos and I hope you can find some peace. Wishing you the strength to get through another day. Many Hugs to you - Rhonda
Thank you for your comments. We just have to keep going with this pain.
I was told the second year is harder than the first, as cold hard reality sets in and it is not uncommon to hit the wall around 18 months. Those facts helped me to normalise the intense emotions, sadness and longings I was feeling, even though I still feel them and work to survive with them.
The strength Carlos gave you did not all leave with him. He built you up and built it into you. All the things he taught you, showed you and believed about you are still there, don\'t let them all go because he is not here to remind you. Remember them, write them down if you have to, remember all the things he believed about you and know that they are still true.
Our husbands believed we gave them strength too.
It is important for us to do as our loved ones would have wanted, to do well and it helps to create some balance in our lives. Counselling, learning new skills [dancing] and making new friends through that , were by far the three best things I did last year, and I am still being careful to eat well, take vitamins, drink water and get enough sleep.
This is a long hard journey and we need as much help through as we can get. Before my husband died all he was worried about was me, he told everyone he could, to be there for me and that most of all he wanted me to get on with my life and find happiness because he loved me so much.
He asked everyone , to be there for me, and several have done that because of loyalty and to honour him because they loved him too, saw how important it was to him and believe it is the last and best thing they can do for him .It was what he wanted so badly.
I am sure that is exactly what Carlos would want for you too, for you to build a new life for yourself. You know him, think about what he would say to you if he could, what he would want for you now.
I know life can\'t be the same but I believe if we let it, it can still have some good in it! Ask God to help you find it, and I pray He blesses you heaps xx
Annihilated: Thank you for your comments and you are right Carlos called me his rock and said he did not know what he would do without me. He did not know that he was my rock and now I feel lost without him. I know he expects me to keep going and he always admired my strenght and determinationand. Thank you for making me remember what my husband admired about me.
I AM SORRY to hear that you are in so much pain. These days seem to hit us, as one DS member called it, a griefburst, when we least expect. In your writings, you talk about all you had with your Carlos, and it seems as if he gave you many beautiful gifts. I hope you have a nice evening. LP
I understand, Linda. Joe and I were intertwined - but one thing that keeps me going is that he doesn\'t have to go through this soul sucking, horrific journey. Not to say that I\'m not pissed because I have to, but.. those of us here going through the 2 year/3 year thing - it\'s still a knife in the heart to me sometimes. Reality just plain sucks. And we go on...hugs, dear friend - Marsha
I suppose every change in our life, even the good ones, remind us that we are moving forward without our loves and we don\'t really want to do that. My eldest daughter has just graduated from primary school and I cried and cried because my husband and I could not be together to celebrate this.
Let us know when your grandchild is born so that we can celebrate together!
Hugs from Sil
I was doing okay for days and then when I found out that our youngest son is going to have his first child, something that my husband wanted to be here for SO BAD, I cried all night. At first it was happy tears for my son, which led to the heartache again because my husband cannot be here for it. My husband too died way too young. So many of us are too young to be a widow. I realize now that I will always miss Denny. It isn\'t fair, it never will be that he died so young.
It is comforting to me to know that \"I am\" the woman that my husband loved. He was no fool, therefore I am special. You are the woman that Carlos loved. He too knew what he was doing. You are someone very special too!
Thank you for being here for me for so long and for so many others. By sharing we help each other keep putting one foot in front of the other.
hugs to you...
-Diana
I am finding that at 3 years plus there are still those things that bring it back. You can be doing just fine and out of no where, something will just bring it back. Your first grandchild is a big one, I haven\'t experienced that yet, I can only imagine how hard that has to be. Take it a day at a time like everything else we have had to do.
I think of the college graduations and weddings that Lance will miss out on too, those things break my heart, he too was way to young to be taken away from us.
Hang in there, Sending hugs,
Denise
Linda, I understand, it is so hard to realize the one that we spent our lives with and loved so much will not be seen on this side of heaven again. But we WILL
see them again along with Jesus. I still get that awful deep down sick feeling of missing the touch of Sonny. They usally come when I am driving and thinking. God always comes to the rescue and reminds me that Sonny is so happy without pain and suffering. After all he is with the Lord. When I get these feelings, I cry and then I think of the wonderful memories and how thankful I am for having Sonny for the time God allowed. I remember the song Sonny sang about the things that we hold dear to our heart, they are not mine at all God only let me borrow them.
Remember
Phil 4:13
Hugs
Christine