Bad day

On my way to work today it hit me like a ton of brick.  I will never see my husband in this life time again, he will not hug me or tell me how much he loved me.  I starting reliving that awful day.  Oh how I hate that feel.  A song was playing that said I will love you till the day I die and how true is that.  I recall that day how terrible it was and that sick feeling came all over.  I started to cry like a baby.  I was driving but the tears just kept falling.  I wonder if Carlos heard all the things that I told him when he was in a coma.  I told him every minute how much I loved him and how lucky I was to have him and what I will do when he wakes us.  He never woke up and it hurts never to have been able to hear his voice during those two months that he was in a coma.  Maybe listening to the news about congresswoman Giffords has brought all the memories back.  I remember Carlos opening his eyes when he heard his name yet the doctor said is was just reflex but yet when the congresswoman did it was progress.  Maybe I got a lousy doctor who only wanted me to pull the plugs and I just refused because I had hope my husband the love of my life would wake up. I don't know I am just rambling because I am having a really bad day.  I am missing him so much and don't know what to do.  I am sitting at my desk right now with tears streaming down think about him and how much I want him here with me.  I want to see him one last time to hold and hug him and tell him how much I love him.  I don't know if it is the fact that I am about to become a grandmother and I want him to be part of this experience and he is not here to share it with me.  I know he looked forward to one day become a grandfather and he never got a chance.  He was taken away to young.  Does anyone know why these feeling take over unexpected?  How do we cope with this loss?  God, this is so much pain and please give me the strenght to keep going.  It is just a really bad day.  I love you Carlos so much and want you to know that you were the best thing that happen to me.  You help me to grow and become a better person.  You taught me to be a fighter and gave me strenght that I don't have anymore because you are not here with me.  Please come into my dreams and tell me that you love me and you will always be by my side.  I love you honey.  I need you more than ever.  I miss hearing your voice singing and your warm hugs.  I miss hearing you in the kitchen.  The house feels so empty without you.  I sit on the sofa when I get home and then go to bed.  Nothing seems to interest me anymore.  i don't talk to people or visit friends unless it is necessary.  I find myself wanting you more than ever.  Come visit me.  I love you so much.