Why

I felt like I had made so much progress then today it hit me so hard.  It came out of nowhere and it is here to stay.  I don't know what trigger this feel but it hurts so much.  I want to scream but I am afraid of scaring my kids.  I am afraid they will call 911 thinking that I am losing it.  Hey it might be the truth.  I have developed a headache from all of this pain that is inside of me.  I don't know if I am coming to the realization that Carlos is gone and he will never be back.  I wonder if the denial phase is going away and now I am coming to terms with the fact that my husband is gone and will never be back with me.  i am coming to terms that I am here alone with Carlos and I will never have the love that I once had.  I will never love again or be loved like Carlos loved me.  I am alone in this world without my soulmate.  I hate this feeling of lonliness and emptiness that has taken me over.  I understand that God did what was in the best interest of Carlos but what about me?  I know this sounds selfish but that is the way I feel right now.  I feel cheated, robbed of my dreams and hapiness.  Will I ever see life like I used to before?  Will I be able to be happy again?  How do I find the will to continue living?  Where do I get the energy that I once had?  Life is not the same without Carlos.  I am really having a hard day.