I felt like I had made so much progress then today it hit me so hard. It came out of nowhere and it is here to stay. I don't know what trigger this feel but it hurts so much. I want to scream but I am afraid of scaring my kids. I am afraid they will call 911 thinking that I am losing it. Hey it might be the truth. I have developed a headache from all of this pain that is inside of me. I don't know if I am coming to the realization that Carlos is gone and he will never be back. I wonder if the denial phase is going away and now I am coming to terms with the fact that my husband is gone and will never be back with me. i am coming to terms that I am here alone with Carlos and I will never have the love that I once had. I will never love again or be loved like Carlos loved me. I am alone in this world without my soulmate. I hate this feeling of lonliness and emptiness that has taken me over. I understand that God did what was in the best interest of Carlos but what about me? I know this sounds selfish but that is the way I feel right now. I feel cheated, robbed of my dreams and hapiness. Will I ever see life like I used to before? Will I be able to be happy again? How do I find the will to continue living? Where do I get the energy that I once had? Life is not the same without Carlos. I am really having a hard day.