Time

Carlos:   I miss you so much and wish you were here with me right now.  Time keeps going by and yet I have not been able to figure out what to do and how to keep moving.  Everyday that goes by it seems like life gets harder.  I need you here to help me and ecourage me like you used to do before and most of all your love gave me strenght to keep going.  I feel that all this time that you have been gone has served to let me know how important you are to me how hard it is to keep going on without you by my side.  I am having a hard time trying to figure out my next move.  I keep thinking about all our plans that we had and now what do I do with all those dreams and plans.  The house needs to be cleaned and yet i cannot seem to find the time or energy to keep doing.  Yes, I do have time because alll I do is sit home and stare at your pictures but yet I cannot seem to get the energy or will to do it.  I feel ashame of how my house is compared to when you were here and used to say that I kept everything in order.  Our house was your pride because it was well kept, sorry honey but I am not the same without you.  Rosela is back home with me and she tried to keep me going encouraging me to do things.  Said is settling in okey but complained about the cold.  I purchased a really thick blanket for him and sent it via UPS.  He called yesterday to say he received it.   I also got a call from him on Friday saying that he misses you so much and all that he ever wants is to see you one last time.  Carlos, please come in his dreams and let him know how much you love him and will always be by his side.  I told him to close his eyes and think about you and he will feel you beside him.  I also told him that you will live within our hearts forever.  His friend David called to say that Said was really sad and missing you a lot.  I have not spoke to his girlfriend but will try to call her today.  I am starting to visit my mom and sisters because Rosela thinks that I need to get out more often.  I went to the Bakery/Cafe near home and Rosela and I had lunch there yesterday and she got sad and started crying remembering how you loved their bread.   Everywhere we go there is a constant reminder of you and the tears keep coming.  Work is very slow and I don't know what to do.  I need your help and advice.  Please if you are watching me please help me.  I am lost in this world and need you here to guide me.  Time is moving ahead but the pain is not going anywhere.  Time is moving but I am stuck here without you.  I cannot sleep and just keep turning in the bed and this has been going on since you got sick.  I have not gotten a good night sleep.  I go to bed thinking about you and wake up longing to have you near me.  I want to wake up from this nightmare because that is what I think this life is without you.   Today, I am glad that the sun is out so that I can go and spend some time with you at the gravesite.  I still go to visit you everyday.  I spoke to your sister Kiki yesterday and she is very sick.  She has been in and out of the hospital.  Yesterday we talked about you and she said she wished she would have known you longer.   She said she remembers that you always had a smile on your face and always giving those big hugs.  Kiki needs your help, please ask God for to make her get better.  If you see your mom there ask her to help her daughter.  I wish you could have been around Kiki when she was growing up because I think her life would have been different.  You would have been a positive influence in here life.  You would have protected her when she was molested and would have been that loving and wonderful brother to her.  Carlos, I love you and cannot accept that you are not here.  Sometimes I even think that you are somewhere getting better and will be coming home soon.  Am I getting crazy?  George is going to be celebrating his 50th birthday and has invited me.  I don't think I can make it because I know there will be a slide show that will have your pictures and he will talk about you guys growing up.  I will become to emotional.  Can you please beg God to let you come to visit me and the kids.  I promise not to tell anyone, it will be our secret.   Carlos why does this hurt so much?  Does time help? I feel like I make two steps forward and then 4 backwards.  I love you honey.   Come in my dreams.   Please don't forget me and come see me.  I promise I will not be scared.    Love   Linda